Several years ago, I attended an outdoor event at my kids’ school. I was catching up with a few parents when one of the teachers walked over and let us know she needed a volunteer for something the following week. My memory is that she said this looking directly at me. That may or may not have been the case. The only parts of the story I vividly recall are my saying “yes, of course I’ll help” and then noticing that the other parents around me were all looking at the ground. No eyes other than mine were available for direct contact. These were not parents who never gave their time to the school. They were parents who were valuing their time and setting personal boundaries. I didn’t even know this was allowed. I’ve always been reasonably good at respecting boundaries and less than stellar at setting them.
If you’re a Broadway fan and you’ve seen Hamilton then you’ll understand that the school situation made me feel a little like King George after learning George Washington was stepping down. He sang “They say George Washington’s yielding his power and stepping away. Is that true? I wasn’t aware that was something a person could do. I’m perplexed.” But I digress. I wasn’t aware saying no or any form of boundary setting was something you could do. I know better now.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
There’s a lot of talk in the wellness world about boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is good for your mental and physical health. Respecting your own boundaries is a measure of acknowledging your value or worth. Respecting boundaries set by others is both good behavior and an integral element of overall respect. Like so many other wellness buzzwords, though, it’s not always entirely clear what we mean by boundaries.
Growing up, boundaries were physical. In sports, you’d lose points if you went beyond the perimeter to “out of bounds.” Fences and trees signaled the boundaries between properties. Only more recently did we start talking in terms of personal boundaries, the figurative lines we draw between what we find comfortable and what we don’t in our interactions with others. Personal boundaries can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. Personal boundaries are guidelines of how you want to be treated. Knowing your limits is a good place to start.
Personal boundaries are … well … personal. We all have our own limits. There are subjects I prefer to keep private, things I don’t want to do, words I find offensive. You don’t need to understand why any particular boundary is important to me but if a relationship with me is important to you, then please respect my boundaries. Similarly, while it is good practice to communicate the boundaries you set to people in your orbit, you don’t need to explain them to anyone. No is, after all, a complete sentence (gratitude and credit to Anne Lamott for that gem).
Reluctance to Set Boundaries
There are many reasons we may be reluctant to set personal boundaries. The first has to do with how we are perceived by others. We don’t want to come across as selfish, high-maintenance, difficult, or anti-social. I saw a post on Instagram earlier this week that said “Friendly reminder that you have zero control over how other people perceive you so you might as well just be the person you want to be anyway.” That!
A slightly different possibility is the fear that people will no longer wish to interact with us. Beyond perceiving us as high maintenance, they just might deem us not worth the effort. It would be dishonest to discount the possibility. It’s up to each one of us to decide what we care about most. Boundary setting is a moment-of-truth self awareness exercise. It’s an opportunity to consider who you are, how you’re most comfortable interacting with others, and what works for you. Nothing about that makes you selfish, contrarian, difficult, or anti-social. You may well be high maintenance. So what? It is true, though, that some people may choose not to engage with you because of the boundaries you set. As painful as that might feel, how does it compare to putting their comfort ahead of your own as your discomfort and resentment fester?
Comfort Over Resentment
Many of us grew up consciously or unconsciously putting a premium on the comfort and feelings of others. Frequently, that exposes the flipside where we don’t prioritize our own comfort. Maybe we think that would be selfish, not a trait of the person we aspire to be. This brings to mind the Mel Robbins quote I’ve cited before, “when you don’t put yourself first, you’re teaching everyone that you come second.” Consistently putting the comfort of others ahead of your own may well lead to resentment. Resentment over comfort is a choice. It’s probably safe to say that it’s not always the best one. Always putting your comfort second is not a sustainable practice if you want to optimize your health and happiness.
Some People May Not Like Your Boundaries
If you’re a habitual other-comforter, it can be challenging to start drawing a line. And it’s likely that not everyone will be thrilled when you do. Your people may want what’s best for you in theory and some may not be so eager to have their comfort knocked down a priority level in practice. Your boundaries may be challenged or simply disrespected. It’s up to you to communicate where your lines are drawn and up to you to decide the consequences when your lines are crossed.
When setting boundaries, the onus is on the boundary setter. It’s up to you to define for yourself what works for you in your interactions and relationships and what does not. Enter the fray knowing that just because you’ve set boundaries does not actually mean they’ll be respected. Exit the fray knowing you respect yourself enough to set boundaries in the first place.
Boundary Setting Starter Kit
If setting boundaries is unnatural for you but something you’re eager to start doing to maximize your comfort, minimize your resentment, and breathe a little better, take a look at this great list of 50 therapist-approved boundary phrases. Here’s a starter kit to get you going:
- No.
- It’s none of your business.
- I need alone time.
- I need time to process this.
- I’m not comfortable with that.
- That’s not going to work for me.
- I’m not available.
- Please respect my boundaries.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Break on through by The Doors, Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel, Borderline by Madonna, Fortress Around Your Heart by Sting, Love Song by Sara Bareilles
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “To me, self-care does not mean going to the spa. It’s learning to say no.” – Tracee Ellis Ross
Something to try: Get in touch with your limits. Identify three or four of your core values. In connection with each one, ask: What will I allow given this value? What will I tolerate given this value? What will I not allow given this value?
Coaching Can Help
Identifying core values and setting personal boundaries can be more challenging than you might think. A coach can help guide you through the process and support you in setting boundaries that matter to you. I’d be happy to hop on a free 15-minute discovery Zoom call with you and share how coaching can help. Schedule a session here.
Setting boundaries is VERY difficult for me. I’m slightly better about it now that I’m a crotchety old fart, but I’m still not great at it!
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