Accepting Compliments Properly is More Important Than You Might Realize

Have you ever told someone they look great, they spoke well, you love their outfit, or you think they’re awesome and they respond with anything other than gratitude for or acceptance of the compliment you’ve offered? Have you ever been that someone? I have. Compliments frazzle me. As much as I love hearing them, I’m not always as good or gracious at accepting them as I’d like to be. I’m not alone. Accepting compliments seems to be challenging for a lot of us. 

Deflect, Downplay, Reciprocate

Many of us respond to compliments by deflecting them, downplaying them or quickly complimenting the complimenter in return. If someone likes your coat, maybe you respond by noting its cheap price or by questioning, “this old thing?” Perhaps you respond with “it was okay” when someone else tells you “it” was “outstanding.”  When someone takes the time to appreciate something you’ve done or said, maybe you feel the need to let them know what they’ve said or done was great too, maybe even better.  Why is it so hard to just say “thank you” or “that’s so nice of you to say” and end it there?

Compliment Discomfort

Dismissing compliments may seem ungrateful but the dismissers rarely, if ever, see or intend it that way. It’s more likely that the person receiving the compliment is responding awkwardly out of discomfort. Maybe the discomfort lies in not wanting to appear arrogant. When modesty and humility are valued, conflating compliments with conceit does not seem like such a stretch. It’s incorrect but not unimaginable.

Then there’s the reality that a compliment means someone has noticed something about you. It turns out women are complimented more frequently than men. It may not surprise you to learn that men are complimented more on their abilities. Women are complimented more on their appearance. “Appearance compliments lead to appearance focus and body monitoring,” says Rotem Kahalon, an assistant professor of social psychology at Bar-Ilan University in Ramat-Gan, Israel. That kind of focus can be uncomfortable and complicated.

Maybe the focus that brings about any type of compliment triggers anxiety for a person who convinces themselves that anyone paying attention to them will discover their imperfections, even beyond their appearance. Maybe the person receiving the compliment feels undeserving. Or maybe they simply don’t like feeling evaluated. Regardless of the explanation, those of us who dismiss compliments may want to rethink and retrain.

Give and Take

Many of us who have trouble accepting compliments have no such discomfort bestowing them on others. We’re quick to compliment. In addition to an appreciation of whatever it is we’re complimenting, there’s often an implicit recognition that a genuine compliment will boost a person and that’s a kind thing to do for someone else. On some level, we’ve deemed that person to be worthy. We are all worthy, including you and me. Let’s try to remember that.

It’s also worth noting that lavish praise does not have the same positive impact as a genuine compliment. Many parents heap praise upon their young children to help build their self esteem. Studies have shown, however, that inflated praise from parents sets unattainable standards for children and tends to lower rather than bolster self esteem. As we get older, inflated praise smacks of insincerity and may make us question the honesty of the praiser. So in addition to accepting compliments properly, it’s important to offer them properly and sincerely.

The Importance of Getting it Right

Dismissing, deflecting, and downplaying compliments suggest we don’t believe what we’re hearing, that it isn’t sincere or that it’s simply untrue. This becomes or adds to our script of negative self talk. No one benefits by adding to that script. Immediate reciprocal compliments suggest we feel someone is more worthy or deserving of a compliment than we are. They tend to devalue or negate the original compliment, which is dismissive and judgy. More than praising the other person, immediate reciprocal compliments make it seem like you didn’t even hear the other person and that can be insulting. It’s okay to take in the praise you’ve received. It’s a good thing.

By graciously accepting compliments we’re giving ourselves a better chance to take in those moments when someone sees the best in us. Taking in those moments can help quiet our inner critics and make us feel good. It has been said that shutting down compliments is the kryptonite to self-confidence. By contrast, accepting them must be a way to build it up.

Accepting compliments also makes it possible to connect or deepen a connection with another person. Compliment delivery necessarily involves an interaction between two people that presents an opportunity for connection. In a healthy relationship, compliments show that two people can recognize and enjoy one another’s uniqueness.

Accept, Amplify, Advance

Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, and James Pawelski, Ph.D., authors of Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts, developed a model for accepting compliments in a healthy and productive way. The three steps they identify are accept, amplify, and advance. Accept means you simply accept a compliment and say thank you. Amplify means you savor the praise. Advance means you engage by asking questions and using the opportunity to connect. If you can stop yourself from deflecting, downplaying and immediately reciprocating, your connection with those who praise you might become a little more genuine and meaningful.

I didn’t realize I was a culprit with respect to accepting compliments until I saw the look on a good friend’s face a few years ago after she paid me a compliment. My downplaying and deflection was met with a look of annoyance. Upon reflection, I got it. Until I started looking into this topic for a blog post, I didn’t realize there was a problem with immediately reciprocating compliments or the extent to which I routinely do this. I get it now. Each compliment should have its moment. You don’t have to agree with a compliment you receive to thank the person who gives it and you don’t have to overthink it either. “Thank you” is the first step. It’s a complete sentence. It gives you a chance to fully enjoy the praise you receive and to connect with the person praising you.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction, What I Like About You by The Romantics, I Like The Way by BodyRockers, Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars, Compliment by Collective Soul, Compliments by Hard Life, Gorgeous by Taylor Swift

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “When I was heavy, people would say to me – and it was such a backhanded compliment – they would say, ‘You’ve got such a beautiful face,’ in the way of, like, ‘Oh, isn’t it a shame that from the neck down you’re questionable.’ – Kate Winslet

Something to try: Take a pause next time someone compliments you. Notice if you have an urge to say anything that resembles something other than an expression of gratitude. Don’t say it. Rather, say “thank you” or some equivalent. Notice how the compliment makes you feel. If it makes you feel good, enjoy it. Then connect with the person who extended the compliment to you if that’s something you wish to do.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. New episodes are added on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

If you’re challenged when it comes to accepting compliments, know that this inability has likely been conditioned by society. It’s not your fault and you can change course, which will be better for you and your relationships. Working with a coach can help you make a change for the better. Contact me here and let’s talk about what coaching can do for you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.