Two of the biggest hurdles to connecting lovingly and meaningfully are failure to listen and its evil twin, mind-reading. We so often have a tendency to think we know what someone else feels or will say that we don’t wait to hear it but rather save time and say it for them. As Julia Roberts iconically expressed in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Big. Huge.” Mind-reading reflects an assumption that others think and feel as we do. Spoiler alert: they don’t. We don’t all share a preferred language of connection.
We all like to be seen and heard for who we are and still often forget to extend that consideration to others, especially those we care about most and know best. Many of us unconsciously or subconsciously see and hear others as reflections of ourselves or we imagine their words will reflect ours if we gave them the chance to utter them. Life is busy so why not skip that step? Imagine the missteps that might be avoided if people let one another know the behavior that registered most effectively for them. I’m not suggesting everything we say to and do for one another should be prescribed or scripted. Not at all. But I am suggesting that we take the time and fully listen when someone tells us what works for them and, conversely, what doesn’t.
In 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman, the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina published The 5 Love Languages. He identified commonly preferred ways of expressing and receiving love. There’s no science to the love languages theory and there are some issues with the research and the way the theory was conveyed but more than 30 years later, people are still talking about it and using it to strengthen connection. The essence of the love language theory is arguably extendable beyond romantic relationships. But romance is a good place to start.
Chapman’s language choices comprise gift giving and receiving, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. You may like all those options but chances are one or two are most meaningful to you. If you and your partner reveal your preferred language to one another, you’ll have provided a potentially valuable guideline to maximizing meaningful connection.
Paying attention to the way a person gives love or comfortably and meaningfully connects with others will give you a glimpse into their preferred way of receiving love, even if they don’t articulate it directly. If you know your partner’s love language and think it’s wrong or just generally ignore what you know, you might want to look into why that is. Similarly, if you’re not even interested in hearing their choice, maybe ask yourself why.
Identifying your love language and sharing it with your loved one is really a gift for both of you. And for the sake of clarity, remember that just because your partner may have a preferred love language or two, that’s no reason to exclude the other behaviors and gestures. It just means extra care and priority should attach to the winners.
To use the love languages framework in a nonromantic relationship, try to pay attention to how someone shows that they care for you. With no additional information, this may tell you their love language and what forms of affection will resonate most. Absent certainty of someone else’s preferred language of connection, we’re likely to focus on the language that works for us. If your friend usually selects the restaurant where you meet for lunch monthly, you might reciprocate with an act of service, like suggesting seeing a show or a movie and taking care of the arrangements. Never underestimate how good a small gesture can make someone feel.
The love languages framework can also be applied to self-love. It’s important to engage in self-care practices that are specific to our needs. Lauren Bedosky, writing for Everyday Health, suggests that to reap the benefits of the five love languages, we can start by considering how each might translate to expressions of self-love:
Gifts
- Treat yourself to your favorite coffee drink from your local coffee shop instead of your usual home-brewed cup.
- Reward yourself with a professional massage or facial after a long week at work.
- Make room in your budget for a special treat or experience you’ve been wanting for a long time.
Acts of Service
- Organize your work or living space.
- Create a to-do list to help yourself stay on top of your responsibilities.
- Cook yourself a nice meal.
Words of Affirmation
- Write yourself a love letter.
- Make a list of positive affirmations to tell yourself daily.
- Spend time journaling about positive experiences and things you’re looking forward to.
Quality Time
- Take yourself on a date to a museum, a movie, or a park.
- Start a meditation practice you enjoy.
- Find and practice a new hobby.
Physical Touch
- Give yourself a facial or foot massage.
- Put on your softest, coziest PJs and curl up under a blanket when you need to relax.
- Take a bubble bath.
At the end of the day, the way we speak to and behave with one another determines the nature and depth of our relationships, including our relationships with ourselves. It starts with paying attention and being honest about our wants and needs. The better we understand what makes us and our loved ones tick and the more effectively we put that information to work, the happier we’ll all be.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Love Language by SZA, Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding, Mi Persona Favorita by Alejandro Sanz and Camila Cabello, Love Song by Sara Bareilles, Speaking My Language by Common Kings, Language by Tori Kelly
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Listen with ears of tolerance! See through the eyes of compassion! Speak with the language of love!” – Rumi
Something to try: Take the love language quiz, of course! Let me know if the results surprised you.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.
Coaching Can Help
Identifying your love language is just one step toward stronger relationships. If you want to get into the dating game, expand your social circle or isolate less but you’re feeling stuck, consider working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
To me, unspoken acts of kindness show love. For example, in the winter, when that annoying frost forms on car windows/windshields overnight, I always scrape my wife’s car in the morning so that she doesn’t have to do so. Is it much? No, I guess not, but it’s still something!