It’s Hard and Healthy to Say You’re Sorry

From the time we’re quite young, we’re taught to apologize when we’ve done or said something that hurts someone else. We’re taught to apologize for mistakes we make. Consider how frequently a child in preschool or kindergarten is instructed to tell another child they’re sorry. If apologizing is one of the basic lessons learned when we’re young, why are so many adults so bad at it? Is it really so hard to say you’re sorry? And mean it?

Women are notorious for over-apologizing. We have a tendency to apologize for the acts of others or things that have nothing to do with us. Women apologize for taking up space. Sometimes, we apologize to convey empathy. But that’s a different animal, isn’t it? It’s an entirely separate blog post that I haven’t yet written. We apologize for ourselves easily but often not so much nor so well when we say or do something wrong.

Why Is It Hard to Say You’re Sorry?

The late Sharon Begley, longtime science editor at mindful.org suggested people don’t apologize due to the “magnitude gap” between how each side describes an offense. Prospective apologizers often default to insisting they did not intend to do or say anything wrong (“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded”) or minimize the resulting hurt (“You’re so sensitive”). Believing the offense was a one-off (and offering evidence of all the things they’ve done right), understandable (due to circumstances that have nothing to do with the injured party, making it all about the transgressor), or the victim’s fault reduces the emotional and cognitive impetus to apologize. 

In addition to lack of empathy or self awareness, it may be hard to say you’re sorry because apologizing for something means acknowledging that you could have done something that merits an apology. This realization may threaten a more comfortable self image as a decent, caring, sensitive and moral person. Making mistakes is, of course, human. Apologies signal awareness that we’ve made a mistake and intention to learn from it. So, in fact, saying you’re sorry should reinforce your self image as a decent, caring, sensitive and moral person rather than threaten it.

I’m Sorry is a Complete Sentence

When you say you’re sorry, you’re really only getting over the first hurdle. Do you frequently have an urge to issue a follow-up statement? The challenge for a lot of people is in remembering that the words “I’m sorry” generally capture the complete and appropriate apology. Why wouldn’t I be sorry if my words or actions hurt or offended someone else? But the lure of that follow-up explanation is sometimes too much to resist. And sometimes it’s appropriate. My own two cents is that a brief explanation can be worthwhile if and only if it is an explanation that might bring some respite to the offended. Explanations intended to cast the offender in a better light often negate the apology.

Apologies that are followed by the word “but” are hollow. And when an apology is followed by “I was just joking,” the offender has clearly missed the point that they’ve said something that actually hurt or offended the other person. These are faux apologies – fauxpologies, if you will. They do more harm to the offended than good. But they’re so tempting from the perspective of the offender who, quite simply, doesn’t want to feel bad and often truly did not intend to offend.

Apologize With Accountability

Sometimes an offender will apologize for the fact that the injured party has been injured without holding themselves accountable. It’s one thing to say, “I’m sorry my choice of words made you feel bad” and quite another to say, “I’m sorry you feel bad.” Accountability is important if the apology is to be perceived as genuine. And, if not, maybe consider standing your ground and not apologizing in the first place (unless, of course, you’re one of my children and I ask you to issue an apology to someone). Some apologies are meant to keep the peace rather than repair an injury. They’re fauxpologies with purpose.

Sorries are an area of great divide. Why is something important for an injured party to hear just as challenging for an injurer to express? We all make mistakes. Those mistakes sometimes hurt or offend another person. Why is it so hard for so many of us to human-up?

Back to Basics

Is it possible we’re messing up the instructions we received during childhood? Maybe we’re overthinking them. In childhood, lessons are kept very basic. We only tend to add complications and nuance as we get older. The issue makes me think of Robert Fulghum’s book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. First published in 1986, it is well worth a read or re-read. Included in Fulghum’s list of what he learned in Kindergarten is “Say you’re SORRY when you HURT someone.” It really ought to be just that basic. If you are aware you’ve hurt someone because you realized it on your own or because you were told, just say sorry.

And once we’re going back to basics and trying to play nicer in the sandbox, consider Fulghum’s full list of life lessons learned in Kindergarten:

1. Share everything.
2. Play fair.
3. Don’t hit people.
4. Put things back where you found them.
5. CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS.
6. Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
7. Say you’re SORRY when you HURT somebody.
8. Wash your hands before you eat.
9. Flush.
10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
11. Live a balanced life – learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
12. Take a nap every afternoon.
13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die. So do we.
16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned – the biggest word of all – LOOK.”

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John; Hard to Say I’m Sorry by Chicago; If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher; Apologize by OneRepublic; Sorry by Justin Bieber; Who’s Sorry Now by Connie Francis

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets. – Henry Kissinger

Something to try: Try to go one week avoiding 2 things: (1) Avoid apologizing in instances where you haven’t done anything wrong: (2) When you do apologize, don’t follow it up with an explanation or the word “but.”

Coaching Can Help

If you want to break the habit of over-apologizing or faux-apologizing (fauxlogizing?) and you’re finding it tough, coaching can help. Schedule your free 15 minute Zoom discovery call here and let’s see if we can get started breaking your sorry habits.