A curious thing about getting older is the way our relationship with time changes. Perspectives shift from “are we there yet?” after sitting in a car for 10 minutes to “time flies” and “there’s never enough time in a day” to “I don’t have much time left.” Relatedly, the timelines that dominate our thinking and planning also shift. The overarching timeline of our lives is dotted with microlines. The timeline of child development, circadian rhythms, the timeline for education, love, the biological clock, the labor force timeline, and the timeline for aging are some of the timelines that guide us. It’s probably more accurate to say they frequently rule rather than guide us. Each presents with a range so we can perpetuate a myth of anti-rigidity but when any particular timeline seems off, panic often sets in.
Milestones Are Not Timelines Etched in Stone
Pediatrician appointments during a child’s first few years of life are focused on growth and developmental milestones. If a child isn’t rolling over, standing, walking or talking at a certain age, parents get nervous. Pediatricians are quick to tell them children develop at their own pace. Milestones that are meant to give information can also give agita. From the earliest age, we’re following or trying to follow or meant to be following timelines. And from the earliest age, those timelines aren’t meant for many of us.
It doesn’t end at childhood. As we grow up, there are still timelines most of us believe we’re meant to follow. We think we’re meant to finish school at a certain age, transform into mature adults at a certain age, get married by a certain age, bear children and do it by a certain age, climb the ranks at work by a certain age, earn “enough” money by a certain age, retire at a certain age, and die by a certain age. Though the microlines are aching to be placed neatly on a graph, life does not exist on that kind of timeline. Our timelines are not straight lines. Each person’s messy lifetime finds a path all its own.
Timelines Guidelines Lifelines Deadlines
There is no real life timeline but that doesn’t make our relationship with time any more comfortable, does it? In fact, for a lot of people, there’s comfort in using timelines as guidelines. At least there is until it becomes uncomfortable. In other words, timelines give you a sense of comfort based on expectation but that sense of comfort gets tossed on its head when expectations are not met. Timelines can be lifelines if they’re guidelines, but not so much when they’re perceived as deadlines. That’s the thing about time – change can happen in an instant.
The timelines we set to support ourselves are so much more productive than the timelines that hold us back, suggest we’re not good enough, or pressure us relentlessly. Timelines can be useful when we use them on our terms rather than succumb to their pressure. We can use them to tell our stories, connect with others, connect with ourselves, and remember what we’ve forgotten. Our relationship with time does not have to be stuck in the past or pining for the future. It can be a great relationship. Time is precious and we’re lucky to have it. It’s up to us to make the most of it. If we focus on where we’re at right now (which you know from a recent post is where we’re doing the best we can), the path forward will present itself. No timeline required.
Let the Good Times Roll!
A few days ago, my oldest daughter became engaged. Amid the delight in seeing her so happy, engaged to a really wonderful guy, I’ve been thinking how exciting it is to know they have their whole lives and a life together ahead of them. Their lifelines are looking bright to me and they’re looking endless.
My own timeline does not seem anywhere near as endless but it certainly feels full of possibility. The chapter I’ve only recently started writing for myself is not stuck in time. I’m no longer as interested in why I am the way I am and where I’ve been. Because where I am now and where I’m going are captivating and thrilling for me. And age is just a number on the timeline of life, a timeline that has never really been a straight line for any of us.
Time is on My Side
It’s worth remembering that Julia Child published her first cookbook when she was 49 and Charles Darwin published On The Origin of the Species when he was 50. Laura Ingalls Wilder began writing Little House on the Prairie when she was 65. Harland Sanders, the Colonel, established Kentucky Fried Chicken at 65. Earlier this week, I had the good fortune to hear Margaret Atwood speak at Symphony Space in New York City. Ms. Atwood, the great Canadian author of The Handmaid’s Tale (when she was 46) and so very much more, just published a book of poetry. She’s 84. And so much more quick-witted than almost anyone I know. Her relationship with time is solid.
My very first post on this blog, entitled, “The Waiting is Over,” was about the fact that if we wait for the perfect time to make a change, it will never happen. Time doesn’t work like that. Whatever it is you’ve been putting off and however you’ve been holding yourself back doesn’t matter anymore. Go for it now. There’s no time like the present!
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Time is On My Side by The Rolling Stones; Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is? by Chicago; Seasons of Love from the musical Rent; No Time for Toxic People by Imagine Dragons; About Damn Time by Lizzo; Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce; Too Much Time Time on My Hands by Styx
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M Schulz
Something to try: Gain Control Over Your Time
- Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, relevant, achievable, time-conscious) for what you hope to achieve, including clear deadlines for the tasks.
- Prioritize the tasks based on urgency:
- Priority 1: What’s most urgent and essential? Deal with this immediately.
- Priority 2: What’s urgent but necessary? This can be scheduled.
- Priority 3: What’s critical and unimportant? This can be delegated or outsourced.
- Priority 4: What’s not urgent or important? This should be eliminated.
- By laying out what’s most urgent and important, you can start to remove the unimportant things from your life that are zapping your time, energy, and health.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to work on your time management skills or develop a mindfulness practice so you can focus more on the present, you might benefit from working with a coach. I’d be happy to hop on a free 15-minute Zoom discovery call with you and tell you a little more about the coaching process. Schedule an appointment here.
This is a profound column–we really do wish that time would pass more quickly when we were younger (I couldn’t wait to turn 18, and then 21, etc.). I’m not sure at what point my thinking changed, but it was probably in my late 20s. Now, and to your point, I would give a lot to see my kids as being little again, even for just one day. That said, I am excited for the future that is in front of them, too. As for me, every day is a gift. That’s a perspective that only age–and time–can give a person.
Age and time give us so much perspective, right?