Not too long ago, I was listening to a podcast and heard Brené Brown say, “We all want transformation but we don’t want to change.” Hmmmmmm, I thought to myself, another gem from Brené. Undeniably, many of us want to transform at some point in our lives but how do we reconcile that with not wanting to change? Aren’t change and transformation really the same thing? And why don’t we want to change? Or do we? Often, we write off change because we feel it’s too challenging or we don’t have time to do the work required or we’re afraid. You may not be thrilled with your current state of being but at least it’s familiar. The devil you know… We may want, even need, to make changes and realize there are no guarantees that the outcome will be what we’re envisioning or expecting so we talk ourselves out of taking a chance. Change can be terrifying but you can rarely transform without it.
What If?
The prospect of change is a breeding ground for “what if’s.” What if you make the change you’re contemplating and still don’t feel any better? And what if you fail at making the change? Or what if you start changing and can’t sustain it? Worse yet, what if you can’t handle whatever’s coming next?
And what about the pressure to accept ourselves as we are? Isn’t self-acceptance the goal of so much of the work so many of us are doing in the name of wellness? Doesn’t wanting to change necessarily mean we are not accepting what is? Dialectical Behavior Therapy tells us emphatically that we can accept ourselves as we are AND want and strive for change. Both can be true at the same time. That’s the dialectic. In a healthy person, both are meant to co-exist and each plays an important role.
Is Resistance Futile?
It often isn’t the case that we don’t want to change, just that we don’t know how or can’t seem to do it. We can tell ourselves to get out of our heads and just get started and it would behoove us to listen. Our minds, hardwired to keep us safe, are partially to blame here. When we want to make transformational changes, our minds jump into protection mode, referring back to what has been safe in the past. Change means leaving our comfort zones, which can be scary, particularly in light of the aforementioned “what if’s.” Our minds react to the fear that comes from discomfort and the unknown by doing what they can to resist change and maintain the status quo. As a result, we feel stuck. Mind-mission accomplished. When you’re feeling stuck and having trouble making changes you really want to make, it isn’t because you’re undisciplined, lazy, incapable or pathetic. It’s because your mind is fantastic. It’s working overtime, drawing on everything it knows to keep you as safe as possible. Safety equates to resisting change. Resistance can look like fear, self-doubt, and distraction or procrastination.
So we don’t want to change and yet we do. Wanting isn’t always enough. Nor is knowing change is good for us. When we’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, we need more than just a desire for something new to effect real change. A wise therapist friend of mine likes to say change doesn’t happen because you see the light. It happens when you feel the fire. It’s not always enough to know a change would be good for you. Many of us need a sense of urgency or deep emotional drive. Change usually happens not when you simply recognize that it’s right, but when you’re so motivated that doing nothing is no longer an option.
Flip the Script on “What If”
Change takes commitment. Sometimes we’re more committed to the romantic idea of change, particularly the kind that can transform us, than the change itself. But what if the change leads to the transformation you seek? What if you learn that you really can do it after all? And what if your self confidence grows just because you tried? Don’t fear flipping the script on “what ifs.” They’re all about future possibilities and you don’t know how they’ll turn out. If your mind tries to keep you safe by loading you up with possible negative outcomes, consider countering with positive possibilities. You each have a 50% chance of being right. But you have a 100% track record of surviving all possibilities and outcomes in your life so far so I’d say you have the edge.
The Power of Transformation
No way around it, change takes work, hard work. And we’re tired. We work hard enough. We crave easy. Transformation sounds mystical, more comfortable, and maybe even a little relaxing. It may happen owing to circumstances rather than effort. For butterflies, transformation is just part of a natural cycle. We mimic butterflies in the sense that we grow and develop naturally in many ways but the changes we typically seek to make as adults rarely just happen. Adult transformation is unlikely to happen is we just sit around waiting and hoping.
Sometimes a transformation owing to circumstances can be the catalyst for change. I have had the good fortune to experience significant travel with amazing women this year and it has indeed been transformational. I have learned so much about myself and what I want in this stage of my life from the trips I’ve taken and the women with whom I’ve connected that change became possible. A transformative experience ignited the fire within.
From Small Change to Great Transformation
If you want to make a change but you’re feeling stuck, remember you’re worthy of the change you seek. Worthy, wonderful you wants a life that can only come about with change. Identify the life you want, how you’d most like to spend it. Future you is depending on it. Then break down your change into easy, bite-size bits. Once the bits become habits, you can grow them. The real prize is the first small change. The smallest of changes can lead to the greatest of transformations.
Related Blog Posts
The Best Way to Transform is to Be Consistent
Taking Small Steps for Good and Lasting Change
Confessions of an Emotional Eater: It’s Not About Willpower or Dieting
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell, Waiting on the World to Change by John Mayer, Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson, A Change Would Do You Good by Sheryl Crow, A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke, Changes by David Bowie, Landslide by The Chicks
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “We can’t become what we need to be by remaining what we are.” – Oprah Winfrey
Something to try: The most important activity for self-transformation is getting to know yourself. To that end, consider taking Psychology Today’s Emotional Intelligence Test. If test-taking is not your thing but you want to try something to enhance your self-awareness and/or your emotional intelligence, consider working with a coach.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
Change is hard but you can do hard things and if transformation is what you’re looking for, it’s time to get started. If you’re feeling motivated and also feeling stuck, consider working with a coach.. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
I always used to view the terms as being more or less synonymous, but I can see now how that isn’t always the case…….or maybe it rarely is. I guess that the way I see it presently–and to your point–is that change is the process, transformation is the end result.