There’s a lot to be said for fierce, independent women. You know ‘em, you love ‘em, you may try to be ‘em, many of us try to raise ‘em. These are women who are exceptionally capable, know how to get things done, and know how to figure “it” out. Independent women can care for themselves and often make it all look easy or, at the very least, manageable. It’s no doubt good to be strong, self reliant, and all the positive attributes associated with being independent. But unbalanced independence is … unbalanced. And the reality is that as capable as one may be, there are times we all need other people. Being independent does not mean going it alone.
Mixed Messages
Women have received a lot of mixed messages over time. The monologue delivered by America Ferrera as Gloria in the Barbie movie powerfully resonated with so many. It covered a plethora of contradictory messages women receive. I would add the confusing instruction to be independent and also to need people to the list. And I don’t think this one is exclusive to women. I also don’t think it’s insidious like some of the messages covered in the Barbie monologue. It’s simply confusing to a lot of people.
Setting Boundaries and Seeking Balance
We tend to think of independent women as being strong and who doesn’t want to be strong, resilient, and capable? Those are good attributes as long as you set boundaries for yourself and don’t internalize an overly burdensome message. Strong is good and it’s equally good to not be strong all the time. Being independent is powerful. Knowing that you need other people is just as powerful. Leaning on others when you need help is by no means a sign of weakness. It’s the surest strength, the kind that comes from knowing yourself, respecting and loving yourself enough to recognize that sometimes you need help, and welcoming it. Being a good friend means being there for your friends and allowing them to be there for you. Failure to do that turns independence into loneliness and overwhelm.
It’s worth considering that many women who seem strong, fierce, and independent don’t actually feel that they are. Somehow, we keep moving forward though, don’t we? And isn’t that a sign of strength and ferocity?
People Who Need People
As you get older, healthcare builds in a need for others whether you like it or not. When you’ve been anesthetized for a test or procedure, most doctors offices and hospitals won’t release you unless someone is there is to collect you and bring you home safely. Sometimes you need people on a practical level. To be your best and strongest self, you also need people on an emotional level. This kind of need does not make you any less independent. It just makes you human.
Being independent is not meant to be an all or nothing proposition. I hope my daughters will grow into fierce, independent women in the best sense of the word. May they always know that being independent is not meant to mean going it alone and may they surround themselves with a strong, independent, and loving support system always.
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Even Powerful Superheroes Do Better with a Support Network
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Independence Day by Martina McBride, Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson, Miss Independent by Ne-Yo, Independent Women, Part 1 by Destiny’s Child, Independent Love Song by Scarlet, Independent by Webbie, Boosie Badazz & Lil Phat, Dependent by Keenan Te
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” — Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
Something to try: How about this simple exercise routine to help you stay strong and independent as you age:
- Seated marching – 2 minutes
- Chair stands – 10 repetitions
- Wall push-ups – 10 repetitions
- Heel-to-toe walk – 10 steps each way
- Shoulder and neck rolls – 1 minute
That’s under 10 minutes, and you’ll hit all the key areas: strength, balance, flexibility, and circulation.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
Are you struggling to build an exercise habit that will help you stay strong and independent as you age? Are you struggling to let people in, fearing it will jeopardize your independence? You might find it helpful to work with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
I remember when I saw Barbie in the theatre, and the Ferrara monologue got a (sitting) ovation from those in attendance. She hit a lot of nerves with what she said, and her delivery was flawless.
Such a memorable and meaningful scene!