Conversation is the key to connecting with others. I suspect more conversations would feel meaningful (or enjoyable) if we approached them more intentionally than we do. Do you approach most conversations as an opportunity to learn more about the person you’re speaking with or are they opportunities to share more about yourself? Maybe you’ve never really thought about it before. But maybe it’s worth thinking about. Connection is important. The key to meaningful connection through conversation is to be intentional and to be curious.
Ask Questions
Intentionally approaching conversations as an opportunity to connect means asking questions, yielding the floor so the other person has the chance to speak. Open ended questions work well and make clear to your conversation partner that you’re interested in what they have to say. It’s okay to relate to what you hear with a comment or story of your own but it’s important to make sure you don’t hijack the conversation. To be clear, when you are focused on being curious, the questions you ask are not the kind designed to bring the conversation around to a story you’re wanting to tell. Being curious in conversation works best when you are being present and other-focused.
So many of us shudder at the prospect of talking about ourselves yet we do it more frequently than we might realize. If you consider a conversation an opportunity to show how interesting or cool you are or conversation triggers insecurity for you and you respond by sharing information that makes you seem more secure than you’re feeling, meaningful connection is not your priority. If you want to make it a priority, setting intentions helps.
Listen Up
In an earlier post, I wrote about the way people often listen to respond rather than hear. If you prepare a response while someone else is speaking, you aren’t really listening to all they have to say. In another post I wrote about mind reading, something we tend to default to when we’re not fully listening. My theory here is related. Sacrificing good conversation for the sake of speaking, filling space, sounding smart or interesting or even because we’re anxious is such a missed opportunity for connection. Engaging your curiosity in a conversation causes you to listen actively and ask questions about what you’re hearing. You never know what you might hear or learn.
If you’re a Ted Lasso fan, you already know that being curious or not can determine who wins a game of darts. Actually, if you’re a Ted Lasso fan, you know that to be curious is about so much more than darts. Curiosity is good for both your physical and mental health. It encourages the brain to produce new neurons and create new neural pathways, reducing the risk of cognitive decline. And that’s not all. Curiosity benefits us by strengthening relationships, improving coping skills, relieving boredom, increasing positivity, improving problem solving skills, reducing aggression, increasing empathy, increasing knowledge, improving work performance, reducing anxiety and leading to greater self awareness. Curiosity is like a powerful multivitamin!
Be curious with intentionality in as many conversations as you can. It makes for effective communication. A good conversation can change us if we’re open, connecting, and paying attention.
Musical Playlist as You Ponder This Post
Getting to Know You by Bing Crosby; Nice to Meet You by Imagine Dragons; Nice to Meet Ya by Niall Horan; Tell Me All About Yourself by Nat King Cole; Underdog by Alicia Keys
Trying and Thinking
Something to think about: “Be curious, not judgmental” – Walt Whitman and Ted Lasso
Something to try: Challenge yourself by setting an intention to be curious during at least one conversation you have in the coming week. Engage in the conversation with no premeditation, be present, ask questions and when you have a moment, write down everything you remember from the conversation. Maybe you learned something new. Consider if you felt any different having such a clear intention guiding your conversation.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to improve your communication skills or approach your conversations more mindfully with a view to connecting, coaching can help. I’d be happy to jump on a free 15-minute discovery Zoom with you to explore the possibility of our working together. Sign up for a session here.
I love this blog. My late father-in-law was absolutely masterful at making you feel like you were the only person in the room when he was engaged in a conversation. When he passed, my greatest memories of him are all wrapped up in the way he probed, with curiosity to understand as much about you as he could. It is an intimacy between two people that is hard to match. I appreciate this post and the reminder to be fully present when we’re in a conversarion.
It’s a very special thing to be in the presence of someone that makes you feel that way. And empowering to know that we all have it within us to make someone else feel like they’re the only person in the room.
Be curious, not judgmental. Ted Lasso offered many life lessons; this was but one of them.
Listening is more important than speaking, in my view. You learn far more that way.
Couldn’t agree with you more! Your comment reminds of the quote by Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, who said, “We have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionally.”
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