I Hope Everything is Fine For You, For Real

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the general distaste for the word “nice.” This week, let’s consider its cousin, “fine.”  Are you an “I feel fine,” “Everything is fine,” “No, no, it’s fine” type? We all say it sometimes, even if it doesn’t match our true state of being. There are many possible reasons for wearing a “fine” mask. Maybe we know we don’t have the time to get into it, maybe we want to avoid overwhelming ourselves or the person who is asking, or maybe we don’t deem the space safe enough or don’t want to take up space. While “no” is a complete and perfect sentence, “fine” is, at best, an incomplete response and, at worst, a lie. As long as we’re not lying to ourselves, though, is the worst case scenario here necessarily bad? The answer may depend a little on who is asking the question.

Only You Need to Know How Fine You Really Feel

Being honest with ourselves is the key. We don’t owe anyone else the details of our story but if we try to convince ourselves we’re fine when we’re not, we risk prolonging the unfineness. Sometimes a really good cry or looking in the mirror and telling ourselves we’re okay is all we need to move on from fine. Sometimes it takes a lot more. “Fine” is sometimes code for “stuck,” whether or not we realize it in the moment. Nobody really feels good about feeling stuck but what to share and with whom is a choice we get to make. As for getting unstuck in the hope of genuinely feeling fine, there’s help out there and there’s never shame in seeking help.

Reactions to “Fine”

There are two camps of people when it comes to reacting to “fine.” One camp is less than satisfied, possibly annoyed, maybe even a little outraged. Some representatives from that camp may press you further with, “No, really, how are you?” If you feel the warmth of safe space emanating from those people, you just may give a meaningful reply. Others from that group may respect your privacy and back off, leaving the decision to share honestly up to you entirely. The other camp feels relief. Not everyone wants to know how we’re actually doing and that’s okay. Not everyone matters to us equally, nor we to them.

A Fine Self-Assessment

When I started thinking about this topic and how dreadful it can be to hear “I’m fine,” I realized a few things about myself. First, I’m frequently that person and I’m in no position to judge anyone else. In addition to having learned how to politely greet people by asking how they are and responding “fine” when asked, I also grew up working hard to project a sense of having it all together and always being fine. Second, members of my inner circle have pressed me on the point enough that I say “I’m okay” instead, convincing myself it’s a more meaningful answer. The beauty of writing your own blog is that sometimes, as you type the words, reality smacks you in the face. I’m no longer convinced “okay” is more meaningful than “fine” but it conveys, to those who know me, that I’m better than “fine.” Third, “everything is fine” coming from some people sounds like a boundary that I’m happy to respect. It’s worth considering the source.

We were all taught to ask after people and respond politely when we’re asked after in Socialization 101. The exchange is typically focused on etiquette rather than care or compassion. It can be challenging to undo the communication patterns we’ve been using our entire lives but, like most things, it’s worth taking a pause to figure out what question we really want to ask and what response we’re comfortable providing. Sometimes, “everything is fine” is the exact message we want to send. Sometimes we’re happy to be pressed for more.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

I Feel Fine by The Beatles, Fine by Me by Andy Grammer, Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass, Fine By Noah Kahan, Fine Line by Harry Styles, I’m Feeling Fine by The Statler Brothers

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “You don’t need the world to understand you. It’s fine. Some people will never really understand things they haven’t experienced. Some will. Be grateful.” – Matt Haig

Something to try: Listen to Mel Robbins Tedx Talk, How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over, based on her book, Stop Saying You’re Fine.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women.

Coaching Can Help

If you say you’re fine when you’re feeling stuck, you don’t have to stay that way. And you don’t have to unstick yourself. Working with a coach can set you on a path to feeling so much better than fine. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.