Worry is Not a Strategy: Aspiring to be Worry Free

We worry about what’s coming, what may be, how things might turn out. This kind of worry stems from not knowing what the future, even the immediate future, holds. Worrying doesn’t change any outcome and probably doesn’t soften the blow of a negative outcome, even if we’re convinced it does. Research suggests that worry is essentially a useless emotion. It doesn’t serve any real purpose. If we can fix the situation causing us to worry, then there’s nothing to worry about. If we can’t fix it, then worrying won’t help. Shouldn’t it, then, be possible, even easy, to live a worry free existence?

Well, it doesn’t seem so. Most of us worry at least some of the time. Many of us are genetically predisposed to worry. Some scientists distinguish between moments of happiness and moments of worry, the latter emanating from our survival instincts. Evolution prioritizes survival over happiness and that’s where worry comes into play. Our brains and bodies work hard to keep us safe in order to survive and worrying is part of our armor. But it turns out we can live life being vigilant and mindful of danger and disappointment without worrying so much.

Too Much Worry

There’s no objective measure of too much worry but we likely know it when we feel it. In addition to possible heart palpitations and sweatiness, chronic worryers tend to experience:

• restlessness
• fatigue
• sleeplessness
• muscle tension and pain

Worry is Useless

Author Eckhart Tolle says, “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” Worry doesn’t prepare us for the future. The practice of worrying won’t ultimately keep something bad from happening. Rather, it diminishes our ability to enjoy the present. It may well mar the otherwise potentially happy moments when nothing bad is happening. It’s hard to imagine being entirely worry free but minimizing the stress caused by worry seems like something we can work on. A little self awareness and mindfulness can go a long way.

Psychotherapist , author, and teacher Andrea Wachter distinguishes between spinning and solving when it comes to worrying. Spinning is going down the rabbit hole of “what if.” Solving, as you might guess, is the process of bringing “conscious awareness” to the content of the worries and determining if there’s anything that can be done. Thoughtful planning can potentially mitigate worry and fix the outcome in one fell swoop. A related distinction can be made between worrying and vigilance. It’s a nuanced distinction. It’s good to be vigilant and note where there is danger to be avoided. At the same time, it’s important to not obsess over vigilance and not worry about worrying.

Worry Less

Some of us manage anxiety and worry by playing the worst case scenario game. The rules are simple. If you start worrying about a future possibility, consider the absolute worst case scenario. If it’s not that bad, the game is over. Nothing to see here. Smile and wave. If it is indeed catastrophic and there’s nothing you can do to change course, the game is over. No point in fretting over “what if” when “what if” becomes “for sure.” Problem-solving mode will serve you better. If there’s something you can do to change the worst outcome, do it. Maybe you’ll be tempted to worry about how you’ll fare in the circumstances you now know to be certainly bad but, given that your survival rate in life so far is 100%, I’d say the odds are in your favor. The worst case scenario game illustrates the uselessness of worry. It adds no value.

Another strategy for reducing the time and energy spent worrying is to schedule it. Giving yourself permission to worry at a scheduled time and for a limited duration offers the opportunity to think through the issue at hand without obsessing over it. It may also mean postponing worry until the scheduled time and the postponement alone may diminish the power of the worry.

Since worry is future-oriented, one of the most effective strategies to curb it is mindfulness. Training yourself to observe your worries and then let them go as you allow yourself to be fully present in as many moments as you can also reduces the power of the worry. When you’re feeling yourself become overwhelmed with concern about what may happen, try sitting upright in a comfortable chair, gently closing your eyes, taking a few deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, and focusing on the sensation of breathing and the way your stomach expands and contracts. As worries or thoughts enter your consciousness, just keep breathing and let them go. You might just feel a little more worry free within a few minutes.

Reframing Worry

It isn’t helpful to tell someone else or yourself to stop worrying. We don’t really work that way. Reframing worry may work better. Like most things we feel, worrying is actually a message. Sometimes the messaging might be a call to action. It’s worth asking what worry, in any given situation, is really looking to tell us, rather than drown in the “what if” of it all. If you’re worried you’re sick, even dying, your worry might be telling you to see a doctor. If you’re worried about a relationship, the message may be try focusing more and communicating better. A work related worry may be messaging that you have a lot to learn, you made a mistake, and you’re human. Worry about another person’s health or safety might be messaging empathy, caring and compassion.

Worry can be a helpful part of our self awareness toolkits rather than a wrench in the works.

Related Posts

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

Subconscious Anxiety: Treating the Anxiety You Didn’t Know You Had

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin, Don’t You Worry ‘bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder, You Don’t Have to Worry by Mary J. Blige, You Don’t Have to Worry by New Edition, Don’t Worry I’ll Make You Worry by Sabrina Carpenter, The Remedy (I Won’t Worry) by Jason Mraz, Worry About Me by Ellie Goulding featuring blackbear

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Something to try (from Andrea Wachter):

1. Thank Worry It can seem counterintuitive to thank worry, but the truth is that our worries are only attempting to help. They’re trying to prepare, plan, or prevent. The system glitch, however, is that in most cases, worry doesn’t actually help. It just makes our nervous systems feel like whatever we’re worrying about is already happening. Thanking worry for trying to help, as opposed to letting it take over or berating yourself for worrying, can help soften and shift out of a chronic worry loop.
2. Reassure Worry When we’re feeling unsafe or in danger, we don’t generally have time to worry. We take action or we deal with the situation as best we can. Worry usually occurs when we’re thinking that we (or someone or something) won’t be safe or okay in the future. Try reassuring yourself that in this moment, you are safe. You can even repeat that to yourself: “In this moment, I am safe.” Then notice if, how, or where in your body or your environment this feels true.

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I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.

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If you are hoping to develop a sustainable mindfulness practice but don’t know how or where to start, you might consider working with a coach. The creation of a new good habit can be challenging and you don’t have to do it alone. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.