Midlife Burnout When Your Spirit Quits and Your Responsibilities Won’t

Do you sometimes feel as though you’re powered exclusively by coffee and existential dread? Are you over the drama of everyday life but can’t get a break from adulting? Do you sometimes or, these days always, feel as though your motivation has left the chat? If you sat nodding or groaning “YES” as you read those questions, you’ve entered your Burnout Era, my friend. You may feel all those things when you’re in your 20s, 30s, even early 40s and still you find the “je ne sais quoi” (French for “I don’t know what” and, seriously, I don’t know what it is that keeps us going) to keep going. But when the feeling combines with a lifetime of pretending to be fine and laughing so you don’t cry, you’ve hit Midlife Burnout. It streams continuously. Many feel the need to load up on the snacks as they wish they were watching a tragic show rather than starring in it.

It’s Not a Midlife Crisis

Midlife burnout is not a midlife crisis though both include exhaustion as a key ingredient. Burnout is the result of seemingly endless stress that’s generally tied to work, caregiving, or an overload of responsibilities. Symptoms include feeling physically and emotionally drained, unmotivated, and detached. When you burn out, you’re too tired to question anything, let alone make life-altering changes. By contrast, a midlife crisis is all about emotional and existential questioning.

Midlife burnout is a system crash. It may manifest as sobbing, flatness, numbness, irritated or rage-filled outbursts, or the proverbial hitting of the figurative wall, which may look like catatonia. We get all sorts of signs along the way and tend to trust the fact that we’ve always been able to power through in the past. At some point, though, many of us feel as though we’re no longer able to power through. Whatever’s worked for us in the past doesn’t seem to work anymore.

The Road to Recovery

While burnout is not inevitable and steps can be taken to protect your system, steps can also be taken to recover when it hits. They’re actually the same steps. Burnout does not have to mean quitting although for some of us, that’s the right answer. Quitting does not make you a failure. Still, not everyone has the luxury of quitting a job and quitting caregiving is generally not a viable option either so it’s crucial to see burnout as an urgent call to rest and recover. The team at Lily Counseling and Consulting writes about the 42% rule. The rule, backed by research, holds that high performers should spend at least 42% of their time resting or recovering. Rest and recovery time includes sleep, low-effort movement, breaks, play, and creative downtime. The Lily team suggests prioritizing sleep as non-negotiable, taking real lunch breaks without multitasking, planning downtime before your week starts, and letting go of guilt.

Some additional steps that may ward off burnout or help you on the road to recovery include:

1. Setting boundaries to reduce your workload and responsibilities.
2. Simplifying where possible and giving yourself permission to rest.
3. Engaging in simple activities that bring happiness without pressure.
4. Cultivating a supportive network or group.
5. Pausing before big decisions.
6. Considering therapy or coaching

We’re each responsible for our own health. When life gets out of control, it’s easy to feel as though there is no choice and we have to stay the course of performance and production. But there’s always a choice. The bottom line is that sometimes we need to set limits and stop doing. As my Unpacking Midlife co-hosts like to say, we’re human beings, not human doings. Yet, we’re always so focused on doing. Sometimes, we just have to let ourselves be.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

I’m So Tired by The Beatles, Running on Empty by Jackson Browne, Burnout by Green Day, What Was I Made For? By Billie Eilish, Set Fire to the Rain by Adele, Train Wreck by James Arthur, No One Noticed by The Marias, Falling by Harry Styles

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “In a culture fueled by burnout, a culture that has run itself down, our national resilience becomes compromised. And when our collective immune system is weakened, we become more susceptible to viruses that are part of every culture because they’re part of human nature – fear-mongering, scapegoating, conspiracy theories, and demagoguery.” – Arianna Huffington

Something to try: Write a “Done” list. Instead of a to-do list, make a list of everything you have already accomplished today to recognize your efforts. No effort or accomplishment is too small to make the list. This might give you the lift you need when you’re feeling overwhelmed and incapable of doing anything more. Shut your system down on a high and feel empowered to say “ENOUGH.”

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.

Coaching Can Help

There’s no way around the fact that life is hard and we all fee overwhelmed sometimes. But once we reach the stage of burnout, we’re beyond feeling overwhelmed. If you’re concerned that you’re heading toward burnout and you want to reverse course but can’t, consider working with a coach. Similarly, if you’re already feeling burned out and stuck and you need help moving forward, a coach might be able to help. Contact me here and let’s talk about what coaching can do for you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.