In her recently published memoir, The Tell, Amy Griffin shares that she was always a runner. She ran for decades. She ran everywhere. It turns out that, in addition to exemplifying consistency in exercise, Amy was running from something, only she had no recollection of what it was and didn’t realize the running was about outpacing a trauma rather than energizing her body and soul. Until she did. Her story is at once both unique and relatable.

Amy Griffin’s mind had blocked out a major childhood Trauma and her behavior helped keep the memory blocked. Her story is gripping and horrifying. It’s her behavior pattern, though, that’s so relatable, even if not literally. I don’t think you need to have endured an uppercase-T Trauma to engage in a life of outpacing and you don’t have to be a runner. 

Trauma vs. trauma

The uppercase-T’s are the events or circumstances we tend to think of when we hear words like abuse, war, terrorist activities, or natural disasters. But people can be deeply affected, even changed, by less pronounced events or circumstances. According to Elyssa Barbash Ph.D., a psychologist and mental health counselor who is a leading authority on psychological trauma and PTSD, and the CEO of Tampa Therapy located in Florida, “small ‘t’ traumas are events that exceed our capacity to cope and cause a disruption in emotional functioning. These distressing events are not inherently life or bodily-integrity threatening, but they leave us feeling helpless.” Barbash’s examples include interpersonal conflict, infidelity, divorce, legal trouble, and financial difficulty. Additional examples include toxic family dynamics, emotional neglect, rejection by a friend group, bullying, a breakup, or vicarious trauma. Small ‘t’ traumas can be minimized, even overlooked, by the individual who has experienced the difficulty. We try to rationalize the experiences as common and maybe even shame ourselves for any reaction that could be construed as an overreaction. Few of us want to be perceived as dramatic or too sensitive. We may not even recognize just how disturbed we are by an event or situation. 

Outpacing Via Busyness

I can’t help but wonder if busyness is the equivalent of running or outrunning for some people. Busyness is another way to outpace discomfort. If you’ve held yourself to an unattainable standard like perfectionism or suffered from imposter syndrome or, quite simply, felt things you were not comfortable feeling, you might have leaned into your life in a way that enabled you to do more by staying busy and feeling less. Making busyness your business means you never have time to process your feelings so you push through and do what you have to do. It’s a form of dissociation. You can be exceptionally productive using this coping skill. Until you aren’t. Because outpacing is not coping at all. The problem is that the uncomfortable reality of your emotions will keep charging until it finds a way to make itself known. After that, there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle.

When we feel all the feelings, sit in discomfort, and process emotions, we give ourselves the opportunity to grow. Growth enable us to create new systems to deal with challenging times and situations head on. By contrast, if we’re always busy and use our busyness as an excuse for moving past all discomfort without processing then the growth opportunity is lost and a day of future, internal reckoning is likely inevitable. It’s a good bet that it won’t be pretty or feel very good.

Minimizing vs. Outpacing

In an earlier post, I wrote about a tendency many of us have to minimize problems and suggested it’s healthier to take up space. Outpacing through busyness or some other behavior of your choice is, at least some of the time, a related concept. In other situations, it’s not about minimizing problems, issues, circumstances or incidents at all but rather letting yourself forget them by staying on the move and changing your focus. Oftentimes, ignoring a situation wins out over confronting it. Sometimes, ignoring turns into forgetting. The problem there is that unless you’re looking for your house key, car keys, or why you walked into a particular room, you probably haven’t fully forgotten. The impact of small-t trauma can bubble up and bite you when you’re feeling least equipped to handle it.

Turn Outpacing Around

When outpacing is your strategy, you can lead an outwardly successful life but it’s possible that something never feels quite right and you just can’t figure out what that is because you’re not actually aware that you’re outpacing. Above all, it’s important to pay attention to yourself, notice how you’re feeling, and listen to your gut. Maybe you can change your pattern before your system implodes. A great way to do this is by working with a therapist. A complementary way is to start paying closer attention to and questioning your busyness. It takes slowing down to turn outpacing around. Now that you’re less busy, maybe take some time to really get to know yourself. You just may develop a better understanding of what it takes for you to be the best you can be. I’m pretty sure that outpacing takes you further away from your goal.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen, Runaway by Del Shannon, Run to You by Bryan Adams, Runaways by The Killers, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum, Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “You cannot outrun, outwit, or outdrink your feelings. Attempting to suppress your thoughts and ignore what your body is telling you will only cause you a great deal of pain later on. Make peace with your mind and forgive your heart. The sooner you do so, the better. Everything you want in life is on the other side of fear; vulnerability is the path to take you there. Sit with yourself, acknowledge your emotions, feel them – and then let them go. True joy is waiting for you.” – Kirsten Robinson

Something to try: When you slow down and start feeling your feelings, you might feel dysregulated. Try self-regulating your nervous system to calm yourself. This will it help relieve your anxiety and engender a greater sense of control.

• Mindful breathing. If you are feeling disoriented, confused, or upset, practicing mindful breathing is a quick way to calm yourself. Simply take 60 breaths, focusing your attention on each ‘out’ breath.
• Sensory input. Does a specific sight, smell or taste quickly make you feel calm? Or maybe petting an animal or listening to music works to quickly soothe you? Everyone responds to sensory input a little differently, so experiment with different quick stress relief techniques to find what works best for you.
• Staying grounded. To feel in the present and more grounded, sit on a chair. Feel your feet on the ground and your back against the chair. Look around you and pick six objects that have red or blue in them. Notice how your breathing gets deeper and calmer.
• Allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it. Acknowledge your feelings about the trauma as they arise and accept them.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

Does this post resonate with you? Are you wondering if you’ve been using busyness to outpace your feelings? It’s not too late to change your system and free yourself. Contact me here and let’s talk about what coaching can do for you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.