Storytelling is one of our greatest powers as humans. We can tell ourselves stories about the lives we want to live as a manifest and we can tell others stories to comfort, soothe, inspire, or scare. But like all powers, this one can be misused. The stories we tell ourselves are not always in our best interests and they are not always true stories. These can be stories about ourselves or others and, if we don’t take a pause and check the facts, they’re liable to roll like a snowball down a mountain and turn into something bigger and potentially more menacing than they had any right to be. When applied to others, this is a form of mind reading, to be sure, a topic covered in an earlier post, but it’s a little like mind reading on steroids. Haven’t you ever been convinced someone is upset with you when, in fact, they are’t? Whatever it is we notice or identify almost immediately turns into a narrative that we stick to, the accuracy of which we do not question but often should.
The Narrative
When we’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult, sometimes maybe impossible, to recognize that we’re engaged in any form of storytelling. We consider words, spoken or unspoken, or behaviors and proceed on assumptions, frequently without taking a pause or asking questions. We just know what we know. The problem is that when it comes to others and even sometimes ourselves, there’s so much we don’t know. But when a narrative starts to form and certainty sets in, it all seems incontrovertible.
Brené Brown and “The Story I’m Telling Myself”
“The story I’m telling myself” is a concept introduced by Brené Brown in the book Rising Strong in the context of communication within her marriage. She tells the story of swimming in a lake with her husband and feeling particularly connected to him only to begin feeling rejected when his responses to her outreach were short and disengaged. The feeling of rejection snowballed into certainty that he no longer found her attractive and had lost interest in her. He hadn’t said anything at all to lead her to draw her conclusions but the interpretation she applied to the context made perfect sense to her in the moment. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Can you think of a time you were absolutely certain you knew what someone else was thinking or feeling and it made perfect sense to you even though you never addressed it with them directly and they never uttered words corroborating or validating your assumptions? In this instance, Brené finally confronted her husband Steve, only to learn that while they were swimming across the lake, he was having a panic attack, was focused on the safety of their children, and barely heard anything she said to him when she thought she was connecting. Both Brené and Steve were telling themselves stories in their own minds and until they shared the stories with one another, there was a disconnect between them that felt uncomfortable and had the potential to grow.
After the lake incident, Brené and Steve started using the phrase “the story I’m telling myself” to check in with one another, share their perspectives and interpretations, and strengthen connection. By sharing the story you’re telling yourself, you give the person featured in that story the opportunity to confirm or deny and to offer their own interpretation. It can make all the difference. This particular technique has changed the way I react to people whenever I remember to use it. It even works if you share the story you’re telling yourself without using the actual wording “the story I’m telling myself.” By sharing the narrative that’s formed in your mind, you give yourself the opportunity to set yourself right and get your story straight before it progresses to the next chapter.
When You Care Enough to Be Vulnerable
A very close friend vulnerably opened up to me a few months ago and shared that I hadn’t been reaching out to her much lately and she was feeling as though I’d replaced her with new friends. If she hadn’t let me know she was feeling this way, I’d have continued living life in my personal bubble, assuming everything was okay between us and she might have moved on from our friendship, a friendship that means the world to me. By sharing the story she was telling herself, my friend gave me the invaluable opportunity both to clarify and to check my own behavior. I have a tendency to pull away from people and isolate when I’m going through a hard time. It’s something I’m working on but, suffice it to say, more work is needed. I’m grateful to have a friend who cared enough to be vulnerable.
When it comes to interactions with others, it takes only one of you to put your vulnerability on the line and inquire if there’s any truth to the story you’re telling yourself. If vulnerability is met with honesty and empathy, communication and connection can be infinitely stronger and so much better. When the story we’re telling ourselves is about someone else, approaching them with vulnerability, stating our case, and asking questions is an effective way to check the facts.
Take a Pause
None of this happens if we don’t remember to take a pause and recognize our interpretation may not tell a whole or accurate story. Magic can happen when we do. I recently reunited with a very dear person in my life after we realized the untrue stories we were telling ourselves about our relationship had driven us apart. We both feel incredibly fortunate to have another chance. We use “the story I’m telling myself” language regularly now.
There are, of course, times when we’re the main character in the stories we tell ourselves and we can get it wrong even then. A good rule of thumb when we’re feeling emotionally disregulated is to start by checking the facts of whatever story it is that’s messing with us. If the facts don’t support the crisis, we may open ourselves up to a smoother path to relief.
Use Your Power for Good
Storytelling is a power best used for good. We might consider doing periodic check-ins with ourselves to make sure the power hasn’t gone rogue. The stories we tell ourselves can either hold us back or push us forward. A pause is a small price to pay for getting it right.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
The Story You’ve Been Told by Kate Ellis, The Story by Brandi Carlile, The Story in Your Eyes by The Moody Blues, Love Story and Shake it Off by Taylor Swift, Think Too Much by Paul Simon, Think for Yourself by The Beatles, Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood by Nina Simone, Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran, Story of My Life by One Direction, The Story of Tonight by Lin-Manuel Miranda from the musical Hamilton
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Life is the story you tell yourself. But how you tell that story – are you a hero, victim, lover, warrior, caretaker, believer – matters a great deal. How you adapt that story – how you revise, rethink, and rewrite your personal narrative as things change, lurch, or go wrong in your life – matters even more.” – Bruce Feiler, Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age
Something to try: Engage your power and learn how to tell your story. Write a short paragraph for any of the following prompts:
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. Our recent episode on the Power of the Pause is particularly relevant to this blog post.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to make a habit out of taking a pause so you can figure out if you’re telling yourself stories that aren’t serving you, you might consider working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
