I took a pilates class this morning with one of my favorite instructors. He is a former Broadway dancer who adores Madonna and teaches a class I enjoy so much that I never look at the wall clock to see how much time is left. His energy is so good and infectious that I smile through the entire class, no matter what my entry mood might have been. Absorbing his positive energy is a gift. Have you ever walked into a room feeling a certain way and noticed the way you were feeling changed in the presence of others? The interactions may be perfectly pleasant or inconsequential but, still, something might shift within you. Depending where you land on the empath scale, this may have everything to do with the energy radiated by others. We each have our own energy that we radiate outward. It seems that the more empathic you are, the more you absorb the energy that’s put out there. This can be a delightful experience. But it can be an oppressive experience when you’re absorbing negative energy.
Negative Energy Can Be Internal or External
Basking in positive energy can give you a lift. Negative energy is a different story altogether. Its source can be external or internal. Your own negative energy may present itself as negative self talk. That may well be something you’re aware of and already working on or not. Changing your energy, like any other kind of change, is something that has to come from within. We can change ourselves. But we can’t change others. So what do you do when someone else’s energy affects you in a negative way?
The simple solution, to surround yourself only with people who radiate positive energy, isn’t as easy as it may sound. You will no doubt come into contact with others whose energy brings you down and who you can’t or don’t want to avoid or dismiss entirely. And it’s hard to imagine anyone who radiates positive energy all the time.
Avoiding Negative Energy Absorption
Melissa Renzi, a Licensed Social Worker and Certified Trauma-Informed Yoga Teacher, suggests that we need to take care of ourselves to avoid negative energy absorption in the first place. In addition to self care, she promotes self-awareness, balance, and visualization in a six-step plan that looks like this:
1. When you notice heavy emotion, start by labeling what you’re feeling.
2. Ask yourself whether what you’re feeling is yours, someone else’s, or a mix of the two.
3. The moment you catch yourself feeling emotions that aren’t yours, raise your awareness of what’s happening within you.
4. Take a deep breath and notice where in your body you feel the most calm, grounded, or neutral (it can be your pinky). Bring your attention to that place in your body and allow it to be a centering force to keep you grounded while you process and release any feelings you may have absorbed.
5. Return the other person’s emotions to them. In other words, recognize you have a choice and maybe choose not to carry what’s not yours.
6. Visualize a waterfall or a river that flows by to fully release the emotions.
Empath Survival Strategies
If you’re not able to avoid absorption altogether, you might consider some of the strategies outlined by Dr. Judith Orloff in the The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People. Those include walking away, shielding yourself, practicing vulnerability, and meditating.
By walking away, Dr. Orloff is suggesting that if you find yourself in conversation with someone and feel your energy shifting, excuse yourself and move at least 20 feet away from that person so that you’re outside the range of their energy field. If you feel immediate relief, you’ll know.
Another strategy, shielding yourself, according to the guidebook, means taking a deep breath and engaging a shield you visualize around your entire body to block out negativity or physical discomfort. For me, this conjures the battle scene in the final Twilight movie where Bella uses her power to create a shield and keep herself and her loved ones safe. But that’s just me. The visualization element of the exercise is key. Shielding is a defensive technique comprising the establishment of a safety perimeter around you that keeps harm out.
Dr. Orloff’s third strategy is more of a non-strategy and more consistent with Rizzi’s plan above. The premise of practicing vulnerability is that a strong internal bond can center us to the point where we don’t need protection at all. Practicing vulnerability requires that you harmonize with whatever you confront, let it flow through you, then recenter again, stabilized by your own resilience. Meditating, though offered as a fourth strategy, is really a way to cement that inner bond.
The Energy You Want to Absorb and to Radiate
The real message here is a reminder that we don’t have to be stuck feeling sapped. We don’t have to suffer needlessly when the cause of suffering is someone’s else’s energy. We’re often so concerned that we’ll appear rude and choose not to excuse ourselves from situations and company that bring us down. But if your well-being feels at risk with an individual or group, it’s up to you to put yourself first. Give yourself permission to walk away and take a breath.
Most of us probably don’t stop to think about the way our energy impacts others. But rest assured that it does. If you’re hyper critical and you complain a lot then the energy you’re radiating may not be all that positive. It’s worth giving some thought to what kind of energy you actually want to put out in the world.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Songs: Hejira by Joni Mitchell, #thatPOWER by will.i.am and Justin Bieber, Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple, You’ll Never Walk Alone from the musical Carousel, Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys, Good Vibrations by Wilson Phillips, Good Vibrations by Nectar Woode, I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, Good Feeling by Flo Rida
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Be the energy you want others to absorb.” ― A.D. Posey
Something to try: Curious to see where you sit on the empath scale and learn what it means? Try Dr. Orloff’s 20 question self-assessment test.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.
Coaching Can Help
Do you sometimes feel inexplicably drained, depleted, and sad after a social encounter? Coaching can help you develop strategies and set boundaries to avoid negative energy absorption. Contact me here and let’s talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
All of this highlights why I work behind a closed door in my office. It shields me from what’s going on “out there” (at times), while similarly protecting others when I am in foul mood.
Good coping skills!