The list of things that get harder or break down as we age is a long one. It’s easy to add to that list. It never seems to end. But what about the thing that for so many of us gets better? I’m talking about Attitude. If you’re hearing Patti Labelle belting out “I got a new attitude” in the background right about now, you’re in good company. At some point in our lives, many of us realize that we are no longer as interested in or guided by what other people think as we once might have been. We enter the stage of the midlife attitude shift.
Sometimes, we flat out just don’t care. As Mark Manson memorably put it, each of us has only so many fucks to give in the course of our lifetime. By the time we hit our 50s, many of us have no fucks left to give. A mindset shift can lead to the emergence of a new attitude, punctuated by freedom and a willingness to live life on our own terms. Our terms rule, finally!
Less Encumbered, More in Control
This mindset or attitude shift plays out differently for different people. A disproportionate number of women enter their 50’s and realize the opinions of others just don’t carry the same weight they once did. We realize that not all opinions are of equal value and it’s our own opinions of ourselves that matter most. Why did it take so long for most of us to get to this place?! It becomes easier to set boundaries when the shift happens. Isn’t it nice to feel less encumbered and a little more in control?
Many of us just don’t care as much about what other people think. That is obviously not the case for everyone. You have to be open to the shift or it will walk on by. And it doesn’t happen equally for everyone, even if you are open. It also may not happen consistently. But if you allow for it, shift happens (credit to a dear friend and friendapist for that one!) – in a good way. When the shift happens, it’s liberating and empowering.
Your Opinion Matters Most
This particular attitude or mindset shift has two branches. First, there’s the branch that has to do with other people’s opinions. The message is not that other people’s opinions don’t matter to you. Rather, it’s that your own opinion is most important when it comes to your life and your decisions. The wisdom we accumulate over the course of our lives transforms into a greater degree of confidence for many of us. By this stage, we’ve all been through a lot and we’ve shown even ourselves what we can do. We’ve got this – whatever this is. We can stop feeling burdened by other people’s opinions. We can always solicit opinions when it suits us and we can adopt those opinions if we care to. But I can like and/or respect you and choose to disregard your opinion entirely, particularly if I haven’t requested it (and even if I have). Respecting myself more does not mean I respect you any less.
Not Caring So Much About What Others Think
The second branch of the attitude shift tree has to do with not caring what other people think of you or the decisions you make. This one is interesting because, unless we’re told, we don’t actually know what other people think. Funny how we’re so frequently certain that we do. For a discussion of mindreading, check out this earlier blog post. In a nutshell, we’re often convinced we know what’s in the minds of others, particularly those close to us, and we’re just as often wrong.
Most judgment we believe to be cast in our direction by someone else is really just self judgment that we haven’t claimed, that we project onto others. The way we imagine we’re seen by others is really the way we see ourselves. A big part of the shift here is in terms of ownership. When we realize the judgment is coming from within and we don’t attribute it to others, we can explore and diffuse it.
In all honesty, though, people do judge one another. Sometimes harshly. So if you’re imagining that someone is judging you, it’s, of course, possible that they are. If you feel yourself getting flattened by the judgment you perceive being lasered in your direction, consider the source. Who is this person whose judgment (real or not) affects you so profoundly? Do they really even matter to you? Maybe it’s time to remind yourself that even if they matter, not everything they think matters equally. No external judgment gets to dictate the course of your life unless you let it. Don’t let it.
Still Caring, But Caring Less
The thing about not caring what people think is that most of us still care. We just care less than we used to. I’m happily at this stage of my own life. I spend most of my days feeling more comfortable with myself than I ever have. But every once in a while, I’ll see someone out of the corner of my eye that I’ll avoid because I don’t like the way I look and I feel embarrassed. I realize I’m reacting to what I think they will surely think if they see me. By the time I remember most people don’t actually think about other people all that much and if someone feels the need to judge the way I look, that’s so much more their problem than mine, the moment has probably passed and they’re no longer in my line of sight.
I constantly work on developing the self acceptance and confidence that would help me avoid feeling the need to hide. Most of the time I’m wildly successful but sometimes I try to blend into the scenery with my face covered as I scurry along.
Attitude Shift Role Models
There is a great character in the book The Change by author Kirsten Miller (whose Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books was referenced in my earlier post on normalizing). In her late 40s, Harriet Osborne, a cool, chic, advertising executive faced divorce and the end of her career. Her neighbors had always been awed by her sense of style that trickled into her beautiful home and perfect garden. As her life imploded, she disappeared for several months during which time her garden seemed to take on a life of its own. She was seen walking barefoot, her hair grew unruly, she spent time naked in her overgrown garden, and she became shrouded in mystery that naturally led to rumors. Proclaimed the neighborhood witch, she seemed to laugh in the face of judgment and gossip, thereby strengthening her power.
Harriet metamorphosed, became comfortable in her own skin in a way she never had before and embraced the power within. She was unstoppable. She was a badass woman at midlife who was fresh out of fucks and living life on her own terms. The magic had, of course, always been there. It had been obfuscated by the mindset she’d adopted earlier in life that had her taking up less space and dimming her light in favor of her husband’s. Unbridled Harriet rose above it all, glowed, stayed true to her own moral compass, righted wrongs, shone light for and on others, and didn’t apologize. I want to be a Harriet when I grow up!
Who is your role model when it comes to attitude?
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
New Attitude by Patti Labelle; Shake it Off by Taylor Swift; Really Don’t Care” by Demi Lovato and Cher Lloyd; Bad Reputation by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts; Titanium by David Geutta (featuring Sia); Being With You by Smokey Robinson
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Something to try: Complete the following prompts and then read them aloud as you look at yourself in the mirror:
- My friends think I’m awesome because…
- I like who I am because…
- I feel good about my…
- I think I’m a pretty good…
- I really admire myself for…
Extra points if you read your answers out loud to yourself in the mirror every morning, while naked.
Coaching Can Help
If you feel encumbered by what you think others think of you or you struggle with their opinions, maybe it’s time to work on self acceptance. Coaching can help. If you’d like to work with me, let’s meet over a free 15-minute Zoom discovery call and make a plan. You can sign up here.
I don’t know that I have any “role model” in terms of being who and what I am. I am unmistakably and exclusively me–really, who else would want the job? But, as I’ve gotten older, yes, I care less and less about what others may think of me, and I (almost) chuckle when I think back to just how much that meant to me in my teens and early twenties. This isn’t to say that I’m uncaring of what others think, but just that ultimately, I’m the only one “in my skin”, so to speak.