Life is a series of twists, turns and forks in the road. We try to make the best decision we can at each opportunity. We consider the information available to us at the time and whatever cost-benefit analysis we apply. Mistakes are inevitably made by each of us and we carry on, trying to minimize or extinguish regret. After all, we can choose to move forward but we can’t go back. What if we could, though? If you could go back to any age or stage and start anew from there, what would you choose? Would your answer depend on whether or not your return included the wisdom you’ve accumulated so far in life?
Self Reflection
On a recent walk through Central Park in New York City on a quest for banana walnut pancakes, I asked these questions to someone very close to me. His final answers diverged considerably from what he thought his responses would be when I first asked the questions. The depth of self reflection implicit in the process transformed the conversation into a wellness practice. We know that self reflection is typically good for us but not everyone is into journaling. And we don’t always know which questions lend themselves best to meaningful reflection. Now we know.
Time Travel Books
Time travel books have always been immensely popular. Some of that popularity is attributable to solid storytelling and determined case by case. And some of it is likely attributed to the popularity of the overall theme. It’s something many people think they would like to do if they could. Imagine the possibilities that exist if you could go back to any point in time with a clean slate. If you arrived at that destination unchanged from the last time you were there, facing the same set of circumstances, you might still take the same path or you might try something different. There’s no way to know if anything will change for you in the big picture after that inflection point but the possibility certainly exists.
If you could go back in time, retaining all the knowledge and wisdom you currently possess, the chances of changing an outcome or two along the way seem far better. Knowing that, what would factor into your choice to return or not and, if you choose a return trip, to when and where? Would you choose a different time and place than you’d have chosen if you did not get to benefit from all you have done and learned in life since then?
Reflecting at Midlife
By midlife, most of us have formed or started to form a reasonably clear picture of who we are and how we got to be this way. A re-do, as appealing or enticing as the prospect may sound, is no guarantee that we’ll ultimately come out any different. Still, it stands to reason that if we’re able to pinpoint a cause for pain or hardship we’ve endured and we’re able to go back with the knowledge and wisdom we’ve acquired through a life hard and well lived, maybe we could lessen the pain. Maybe we could change some of the outcomes. Or not. Maybe it isn’t always about changing outcomes.
I wrote an earlier blog post about regrets. This fascination with going back is certainly related to regrets in some ways but quite different in others. It’s really more a question of what you think has shaped you and how you might want to help your younger self if you could. Maybe you’ll make all the same choices but be less hard on yourself or feel less hopeless when things go awry because you’ll know you more or less make it out in one piece.
Some Answers
In case you’re wondering, on that walk through the park, we both concluded that if we had the opportunity to go back without the knowledge and wisdom we currently possess, we would stay in the here and now. We’re both midlifers and we’re enjoying our current stage of life very much. A little self reflection led us to a whole lot of gratitude. If we could go back, taking with us present day knowledge and wisdom, we would both go back to sixth or seventh grade. We came to that timeframe independently and both considered it to be an important and determinative stage of development. His messaging to his younger self would be practical. For me, the messaging would be more emotional. I would encourage my younger self to value her authenticity and just be herself, to recognize that she is not responsible for the comfort of others but uncompromisingly responsible for herself and to understand that always acting as though everything is fine is acting, rather than coping and, at the very least, she owes it to herself to feel whatever it is she really feels.
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. The way we respond, though, tells us a lot about ourselves, and is always a useful and valuable endeavor.
If you could go back in time, would you? Where would you go?
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Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher, Yesterday and In My Life by The Beatles, Back in Time by Huey Lewis and The News, I Wanna Go Back by Eddie Money, Time Passages by Al Stewart, Forever Young by Rod Stewart, Clocks by Coldplay, Time Machine by ELO, Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen, When We Were Young by Adele, It Was a Very Good Year by Frank Sinatra, Photograph by Ed Sheeran
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “People who think about time travel stories sometimes think that going back in time would be fun because you would have all the information you needed to be much more astute than the people there, when the truth is of course you wouldn’t.” – Octavia E. Butler
Something to try: Consider the questions for yourself. If you could go back with all the knowledge you have today, would you and, if you would, what age and stage would you choose to revisit? Then, if you could go back without all the knowledge you currently have, would you and, if you would, where would you go? If you opt for a redo, consider your reasons for selecting the age and stage you chose. Write them down. You might learn a lot about yourself.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
It’s challenging to determine the changes you want to make and how to make them without some healthy self-reflection. We often think we’re self aware but barely scratch the surface. If you’re not sure how to self reflect in a meaningful and productive way, you might benefit from working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
Well, that’s just it–we all have countless events in our respective lives where we think, “If only………….” That is especially true for me. That said, I love where I am now in terms of my personal life. If anything in my past were to be changed, I probably wouldn’t be where I am now (sadly, that’s not Iceland or Denmark anymore).