In a recent episode of the Four Wise Women podcast, one of my co-hosts identified as a cat while another was labeled a golden retriever. The cat described herself as needing time to warm up before getting close to people and feeling discomfort when places and situations are too people-y. The golden retriever is a self-proclaimed lover of people. I always fancied myself a dog person but I think the world of these individuals and it turns out I love cats too. But I digress… We often describe people as introverts and extroverts but the pet spectrum offers a little more nuance and variation, not to mention cuteness. Extroverted introverts might be playful kittens and introverted extroverts might be pugs. These personality traits are reflected in the way we interact with others, the source of our social energy, and the way social activity affects us. They determine when and how a person might need to charge and recharge their social battery.
Draining the Battery
We aren’t all created with the same level of social energy. For some, socializing generates energy. Time spent with people brings us to life. Others may enjoy time with friends and, at the same time, find social interaction to be draining. There is no one size fits all when it comes to the way other people impact our social batteries or we impact theirs. Some of the factors that may affect the energy our interactions create or dissipate for us include the personality or personalities with which we’re interacting, the size of the group, the type of social interaction, the quality or ease of the interaction, its duration, the existence of any power imbalance, external stressors, such as being in a noisy or unpredictable environment, and internal stressors, like anxiety.
Regardless of where you fall on the introvert/extrovert or pet spectrum, chances are you find some social interactions, or maybe all of them, draining. Sometimes the social battery we rely on to keep us connecting and interacting needs recharging. Checking in on your energy level is critical because we know that community and social connection are vital to both longevity and quality of life. We need enough energy to connect in a way that serves us. Maintaining the charge looks different for different people, though. Self awareness helps you remain in tune with when you might need to recharge and what works best for you to make it happen. It helps to remember that not everyone’s energy responds to social interactions the same way yours does.
Time to Recharge
Your battery is probably getting low when you feel:
- weary
- stressed or burned out
- less interested in talking than before
- a desire to go home or be somewhere familiar
- the need to do something quiet, such as reading or watching a film
If you feel as though all those feelings apply to you all of the time, you’re not alone. And if alone is your happiest state of being, you’re in good company there too. Protecting your alone time and making it the highest quality is arguably as important as connection. There’s a time and place for each.
Preparing for the Inevitable Need
We can all benefit from preparing for the inevitable need to recharge by:
- Observing or taking note of how social situations feel and how long it takes to feel recharged afterward
- Building in recharging time when we know we’ll be interacting a lot
- Learning what is energizing for ourselves
- Varying high and low energy events to maintain some balance and remain charged a little longer
- Scheduling breaks
- Communicating: By informing loved ones that socializing uses up energy and you might need breaks or reframing alone time as a method of self-care rather than rejection, we can avoid unnecessarily hurting feelings.
Once you’ve established that you’re due for a recharge, consider what works best for you. Extroverts or golden retrievers tend to get considerable energy from social interactions. If you find being with people an effective way to recharge, consider scheduling regular phone calls, meetups, or video calls with friends and family. You might also find it energizing to join active online communities that offer some remote interaction. Introverts, by contrast, would likely shudder at the prospect of being people-y when they’re feeling drained. Quiet alone time might be the preferred choice for a recharge. In reality, though, most people are not entirely extroverted or introverted but a little of both or, at any given time, more of one sprinkled with the other. And everyone inevitably needs to recharge their social battery at some point.
Whether you’re an introvert, an extrovert, an introvert parading as an extrovert, a golden retriever, a cat, or a social butterfly, by taking the time to know yourself, you’ll be in the best position to know what you can handle, what you’d rather not and how to recharge before the need becomes a crisis. Connecting with others is essential and can be equally exhausting. It’s up to each of us to find the strategies that promote balance.
How do you recharge?
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
He’s So Shy by The Pointer Sisters, Me, Myself & I by G-Eazy and Bebe Rexha, Antisocial by Ed Sheeran (Featuring Travis Scott), If I Wasn’t Shy by They Might Be Giants, Shy by John Mellencamp, Shy by Patti LaBelle, Shy by Prince, Chargin Up My Batteries by Golden Earring, Too Shy by Kajagoogoo
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “I think standup is pretty good for an introvert because you are performing, but, I mean, it’s on your own terms. There are so many people in the room, but it’s a one-sided conversation. And you actually don’t have to interact – unless you want to. ” – Amy Schumer
Something to try: If you’re like me and you can’t resist a good quiz, try the Big Five Personality Test, which provides an effective measure for introvert vs. extrovert personality traits, along with the other four factors in the five-factor model: openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and neuroticism. The traits are said to significantly impact our lives, behavior, thoughts, and relationships, and can vary over time.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.
Coaching Can Help
Are you an introvert, an extrovert or somewhere in between, finding yourself struggling to effectively recharge your social battery while maintaining a healthy social life? We can work together to develop strategies that you feel good about, that work for you. The guidance, support and accountability coaching provides might help. Contact me here and let’s talk about how coaching can help you practice gratitude fully. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
1) What, no “Too Shy”, by Kajagoogoo?
2) I’m a bit of an enigma. Sometimes, I need to recharge by being alone; other times I prefer to be around others. What can I say; I’m weird!
1) Adding Too Shy by Kajagoogoo right now. Sorry for the oversight!
2) The interesting thing is that you’re less of an enigma in this sense that you might think. Most of us float between the two. It’s helpful to know what you need when you need it.