Feeling Burdened by Not Being a Burden?

I recently had my annual checkup. Blood test results are now quickly available to patients via an online portal. We no longer have to wait for a follow up appointment with a big reveal. Doctors tell me patients lobbied hard for this right and though they understand the desire, they hate it. Test results without a doctor’s interpretation can be dangerous in the hands of patients who lack patience. A few of my results came back with strange numbers and I, of course, proceeded to do exactly what every doctor begs you to never do. Hello Google, my old friend. The results indicated I have a rare blood disease or possibly leukemia (spoiler alert: I don’t!). I learned this late one Friday and then had lunch with my children on Sunday. Not wanting to worry anyone about my impending death until I received confirmation from my doctor, I wondered how many more lunches we would have together as I suffered in silence. My doctor let me know Monday morning that the results were not the least bit concerning and that I’m remarkably healthy. So glad I hadn’t caused anyone, other than myself, unnecessary stress. And I was stressed. Do you ever feel burdened by the steps you take to avoid being a burden to others?

Tiptoe Through the Tulips, Not Through Your Support Network

We all think we’re good at hiding things but one of my daughters noticed at lunch that my mood was a little off and asked what was wrong. I told her I was just tired. After speaking with the doctor, I called her and let her know the whole story. I then shared the details with her sisters because I like them to be able to speak freely among themselves and not feel like they have to keep my secrets from one another.

My oldest daughter, the actual medical doctor, let me know right away she wished I’d said something because she would have put my own anxiety to rest immediately as there was clearly zero cause for concern. Clearly. I explained that I know she has a lot on her plate and didn’t want to worry her. She laughed at me. When I told Daughter #3, she said “We’re a family of tiptoers and we need to change that. You can’t save us from feeling anxious. Stop trying. We’d rather deal with our own anxiety than have you suffer alone.” As is so often the case, young people are excellent teachers.

Sharing Your Burden Might Be The Better Move

Trying to avoid burdening others with our emotions might not be the best choice. For anyone. First, it implies we’re putting the comfort of others ahead of our own. That’s as clear a mental health red flag as there is. Second, there’s an element of mind reading at play. I wrote about mind reading in an earlier post. In a nutshell, it’s a behavior we should try to avoid because we’re generally not very good at it. We don’t actually know how someone will react to what we share. Why are we so sure they’ll feel burdened? Third, keeping it all inside may lead to an eruption at some later date and then whatever you were trying to avoid bubbles on up, sometimes uncontrollably. That unburdening may be far more intense and uncomfortable than the unburdening you’re trying so hard to avoid. If you succeed in keeping eruptions at bay and remaining silent, the result may be burnout from suppressing your feelings. Finally, keeping silent is a missed opportunity for deep connection. The result is often that we’re left feeling overwhelmed and alone rather than a little more connected and comfortable.

The Misdirected Impact of Clichés

I grew up at a time when we were encouraged to buck up in the face of adversity, never let them see you sweat, never air your dirty laundry in public. In retrospect, it’s clear to me now that none of those clichéd rules meant you had to swallow your emotions or that your emotions were a burden to others. Somehow, though, many of us internalized those rules in a way that didn’t serve us well as we got older. Don’t air your dirty laundry in public translated into never let them see you struggle, look uncomfortable, or even unhappy. Never let them see you sweat and buck up transformed into always acting like everything is under control and A-OK; no need to worry about me.

It may be helpful to periodically remind ourselves that we deserve support, that we’re worthy of having our needs met. Equally helpful may be the suggestion that a self-perceived burden is not a fact. To the extent we don’t consider those closest to us burdens when they share whatever it is that’s making them anxious or getting them down, we’d do well to remember that we’re likely not burdens to them either. Showing ourselves the grace and compassion we show our friends is good both for us and those friends. It gives the bonds between us the opportunity to grow stronger and deeper.

What Do We Seek When We Share

Beyond imagining that we’ll burden others by sharing our emotions, maybe some of the withholding comes from other reactions we imagine we’ll receive. So many of us share a tendency to default to advice mode and when sharing an emotional burden, advice is often not what people are seeking. When a loved one unburdens to you, it’s usually smart to ask how you can best support them rather than assume they’re coming to you for a fix.

Feeling Unburdened by Burdening

The key is finding a balance. It’s not healthy for anyone to keep everything inside and suffer in silence all the time. Silence breeds shame and loneliness. At the same time, trauma dumping doesn’t seem like the best route either. Nobody needs to share everything with everybody. But it can be extraordinarily helpful to share some of what ails with you with a close friend, family member, or therapist. Knowing you’re not alone and remembering people are there to support you can make an enormous difference.

Ultimately, we can’t really protect each other from anxiety or any other feelings. And we’re not meant to. Emotions are personal to each of us. We feel what we feel. Consider reframing the urge to spare someone from feeling anything on your behalf. Rather than making it about not being a burden, you might want to try giving people the opportunity to show up for you and feel all the good feelings that come from that.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Don’t Worry Baby by The Beach Boys, Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones, The Weight by The Band, Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder, Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin, Why Worry by Dire Straits

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “The burden becomes light that is shared by love.” – Ovid

Something to try: Maybe it’s time to get a little more comfortable with our emotions in general. Emotional Acceptance involves allowing your feelings to exist without passing judgment on them or denying them. Start by occasionally stopping during the day and naming the way you’re feeling. Remind yourself that emotions are neither right or wrong. They’re just there and they’ll pass. Try to avoid judging the emotion or judging yourself for whatever you’re feeling. Just get used to the variety of emotions you experience over the course of a single day, get used to naming the feelings, and get comfortable saying their names out loud (even to yourself).

Coaching Can Help

If you try hard to avoid being a burden to others and it’s leaving you feeling overwhelmed and lonely, you might benefit from working with a coach. I’m happy to hop on a 15-minute call with you over Zoom to explain coaching and see if we’re a good fit to work together. This discovery call is free. Reserve your appointment here.