If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I began coach training in the hope of learning what we mean by self care. I wanted to take better care of myself and support others in my life in their efforts to do the same but wasn’t entirely sure what the self care movement was really all about. It didn’t take long to learn and understand that self care is a basic human need rather than a self indulgent exercise. I’m not even joking when I ask, who knew? Upon learning the extent of what it encompassed, I had to acknowledge that I had always thought of self care either as something that seemed a little fluffy and self centered, a nice non-priority, or a reward, along the lines of I’ll take that break after I finish that thing. To be clear, self care is not a reward. It’s a strategy or collection of behaviors. The reward is SELF.
I also feel strongly that self care is not something to be rewarded. Applying a reward system to a self care practice is troublesome. A reward is generally defined as something given in recognition of one’s service, effort, or achievement. A reward is something earned and deserved. It represents a victory, a job well done, or good behavior. It suggests that some are deserving and others are not. When it comes to self care, we’re all worthy and, therefore, deserving.
Incentivizing Life
The term “reward” is often used to describe something that incentivizes us. Self care enables us to live. Do we really need any additional incentive?
Finally, and this one’s personal, the notion of a reward in my mind was, until just a few years ago, synonymous with food. And the food with which I have historically rewarded myself is not at all in alignment with what we’ve come to view as self care.
Rights, Responsibilities & Basic Needs
The reason I grapple with the issue of rewarding self care or rewarding oneself with self care is that so many people I speak with find it challenging to put themselves and their needs first. It’s not hard to find the source of that predicament. We judge ourselves harshly. We want to perceive ourselves and be perceived in a certain light. And we judge others too. I’ve certainly heard people comment critically on the tendency of someone else to take care of themselves, as if it’s a bad thing. If you’re self aware enough to know what you need and either confident or desperate enough to seek it out, I say go for it! You’re a little further along in understanding basic needs than so many are. We know our basic needs include shelter and food. Maybe we’re overly emphasizing the “basic” aspect of “basic needs.”
Self care that is right for you is up to you to define on the understanding that it is the strategy or pattern of behavior that enables you to reach a state of optimal health. Self care is your right and responsibility. You don’t need a reward to undertake it and, if you view it as a reward for something else, you won’t undertake it habitually. We all fall short of earning rewards every now and then. And for self care to be effective, you need consistency.
Treat Yo’self
So don’t reward yourself for or with self care but, by all means, treat yourself. There’s a subtle distinction between rewarding yourself and treating yourself. In addition to befriending yourself, dating yourself, and being kind to yourself, I’m a big fan of treating yourself. I can’t think of anyone better to treat. Treat yourself kindly, treat yourself when it comes to seeking medical care (as in, seek out care for yourself from experts) and treat yourself to pleasure with abandon (I mean that in every sense of the word and leave it to you to determine what pleases you).
Habit Stacking
There is also a distinction between rewarding self care and behavior stacking to create new habits. Behavior or habit stacking is a habit-formation technique whereby you add a step to a habit that’s already imprinted on your brain. James Clear gives the example of adding a minute of meditation after pouring his morning coffee. He pours his coffee every morning so he has a clear space to add a step and link behaviors. The idea is to build on the natural momentum that comes from one behavior leading into the next. Using current routines to insert new behaviors is a smart strategy in favor of self care. The rewards are the healthy habits themselves.
Be wary of the tendency to confuse habit stacking with rewarding good habits. Telling yourself you’ll only get the donut if you first eat the salad or take the pilates class is rewarding behavior, not stacking. If you want the donut, treat yourself to the donut and enjoy every last bite. Just don’t negotiate with it.
It’s not uncommon to identify a reward for yourself when you accomplish something, including when you take steps toward changing a behavior. Sometimes the enticement of a reward is an integral part of the game you play with yourself. But it’s a game fraught with pitfalls and potholes that only make you stumble in the long run. Self care is all about the long run.
Maybe it’s more a matter of reframing semantics than anything else. Ultimately, a good reframe can change a mindset and make change possible. The key is to recognize that self care is not a reward you’re meant to earn but rather a necessity for staying healthier, happier, grounded, and regulated. Self care improves your focus and concentration, productivity and motivation, overall well-being, self-esteem, confidence, and relationships. Those are the rewards that really matter. The most powerful incentive, simply put, is the ability to live the life you want.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Treat Myself by Meghan Trainor, Treat Myself by Stevie Wonder, Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes, 7 Rings by Ariana Grande, The Greatest Reward by Celine Dion, When I Get My Rewards by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, My Beautiful Reward by Bruce Springsteen, Self Care by Mac Miller, Reward Yourself by Bitter Sweet Jazz Band
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “A ‘treat’ is different from a ‘reward,’ which must be justified or earned. A treat is a small pleasure or indulgence that we give to ourselves just because we want it. Treats give us greater vitality, which boosts self-control, which helps us maintain our healthy habits.” – Gretchen Rubin
Something to try: Habit Stacking! Choose one of the following habits to use as a trigger (it must be an actual habit of yours so if you don’t brush your teeth, don’t choose that one) and add a very specific next step to layer on top of it (for example, if you choose “get out of bed,” you might try, “immediately after I get out of bed, I will sit on the floor and meditate or do breath work for 2 minutes/I will make my bed, sit on top of the covers and write stream of consciousness for 10 minutes/). Repeat every day :
Get out of bed.
Take a shower.
Brush your teeth.
Get dressed.
Brew a cup of coffee.
Eat breakfast.
Start the work day.
Eat lunch.
End the work day.
Sit down for dinner.
Turn off the lights.
Get into bed.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us joined together to bring you the Four Wise Women podcast. Life is full of changes, though, and the wise and wonderful Marguerite is moving on. As a result, Lorin, Maria and I are reconfiguring the podcast. We’re starting by giving it a new name. Going forward, the podcast formerly known as Four Wise Women will be called Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women. Past and future episodes will still be available on Spotify (and additional platforms soon). On the podcast, we share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
Self care is a vital necessity but not always the easiest practice to turn into a habit. If you’re feeling stuck and self care seems to be a little too far out of reach, you might benefit from working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
