In a recent convocation address, organizational psychologist, professor and best selling author Adam Grant said, “surround yourself with coaches, not cheerleaders or critics.” He was talking to future leaders, making the point that growth requires surrounding yourself with people who make you better. To be our best selves, we need a community, regardless of whether or not we view ourselves as leaders. At the very least, each of us is the leader of ourself. A community does not need to be a particular size but it should include people who play and meet a variety of roles and needs. And we should choose our communities carefully since they help shape us more than we often realize.
Surround Yourself With Coaches
Grant’s address was directed at incoming graduate students attending a prestigious business school and his focus was their leadership potential and growth. Coaches are all about facilitating, stimulating, motivating, inspiring and supporting growth. Surrounding yourself with coaches is a smart thing to do. I’m not just saying that because I’m a Health and Wellbeing Coach. A coach sees beyond who we are or what we’ve done in the moment. Coaches help highlight our potential so we can see it too and become a better version of us. A critic, in this scenario, focuses on flaws or weaknesses, driving many of us to focus on our worst selves. No one really wants to be surrounded by critics. By contrast, a cheerleader celebrates strengths and turns our mirrors on our best selves. Critics and cheerleaders are more one note. Coaches are about a world of possibilities.
Adam Grant is a brilliant thinker and writer and it would be overly simplistic to reduce his message to “stay away from critics and cheerleaders.” It’s so much easier to be a critic or cheerleader than it is to assume the role of coach and most of us have critics and cheerleaders in our circle by default. Similarly, most of us assume the role of critic or cheerleader for others. Criticism can be constructive and helpful. It can also be cruel and debilitating. Cheerleading, when it’s authentic, can help you measure the way you see yourself and strengthen your self esteem. Inauthentic cheerleading is hollow. When delivered with compassion and honesty, both criticism and cheerleading can be valuable.
No Judgment
The thing is, “coach” is the only role of the three that is present-focused though future-oriented and devoid of judgment. “Coach” reflects on what is with a view to what can be if the person being coached is open to change and growth, deems the change important and has the confidence to do what needs to be done (confidence that may well develop because of the coach’s support).
A Cheerleader in a Coach Costume
In the early days when I trained as a coach, I was called out regularly on my tendency to cheerlead. We learned coaching by practicing on fellow students and were critiqued. When taking on the role of client, we typically selected issues that were very real for us. This way, in addition to honing our skills, we also benefited from months of “free” coaching, helping us make the behavioral changes we wanted along the way and further convincing us of the power and benefits of coaching. As clients in this context, we really opened up and in many instances, negative self talk emerged. I believe that people generally do the best they can and that most of us are disproportionately hard on ourselves. As people shared their issues, I often could not help pointing out their strengths when they expressed self doubt. It can be uncomfortable to hear smart, accomplished people doubt themselves but a coach’s discomfort is irrelevant. A person who wants to make a change is better served by identifying the change they want to make and the small action steps they can take to get there.
Some degree of reflective cheerleading can be reassuring and helpful for anyone and it’s always nice to surround ourselves with people who see the best in us and celebrate that. The world needs cheerleaders. But a coach’s role is really to guide and support self-discovery and use it as the basis of a plan to move forward. The goal is to help a person see and work with the best in themselves. A coach can offer constructive feedback and cheering. But the magic happens when a person uses the coach’s guidance to identify their values, potential and path. And then they run with it.
The Message
The real message is to not only surround yourself with coaches but also to be a coach to others. Each of us has the ability to shine a light on someone else in a way that illuminates their potential and sets them on the path that’s right for them. No judgment. Be a coach!
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
The Critic by Toby Keith, Cheerleader by OMI, Coach by Kenny Chesney, Centerfield (Put Me in Coach, I’m Ready to Play) by John Fogerty, You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift, Mickey by Toni Basil
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Cheerleaders deserve a lot of respect for what they do.” – Ashley Tisdale (who played Sharpay Evans in High School Musical)
Something to try: Read Hidden Potential by Adam Grant
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to change any aspect of your life to improve your overall health and happiness but you’re feeling stuck, consider working with a coach. Coaching can help you connect with the with the life you want for yourself and develop a plan to make that life yours. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you feel your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
