Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?” What a load of nonsense! Scrapes and scars lighten or fully heal over time but words tend to leave an indelible albeit invisible imprint. Words scathe. Those of us who consider ourselves word nerds tend to be particularly affected by the words uttered by others. We’re also suckers for kind words and clever turns of phrase. Our love language is likely Words of Affirmation. Words can hurt and, of course, words can soothe and lift. I’ll admit that I’ve always assumed people choose their words carefully because I do (which doesn’t mean I always choose correctly). It turns out that’s not always the case. Words and intention don’t always match. As a result, navigating relationships and interactions can sometimes be tricky. We don’t want to be considered overly sensitive. At the same time, accountability is important and we don’t necessarily want to let someone off the hook when their words land in a hurtful way. Intention matters. So do actions. Authentic communication of who we are happens when we strike the right balance.
Actions vs. Words
Many people believe actions speak louder than words but loud really happens when actions and words work together and deliver a clear message. It’s not unusual for a person to say one thing and do another. Kind words unsupported by kind actions seem hollow. Seemingly kind actions can also be attached to cruel words. That messaging is as unkind as nice words paired with cruel actions. If someone helps you up after a fall and calls you names in the process, the words detract from the hand extended. The reverse brings to mind the very clever Taylor Swift song Honey, in which she references people in her past who have called her “lovely” in a passive aggressive and mean way. Similarly, consider sneaky characters like Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver fame who spoke respectfully in an effort to manipulate adults or a cheating spouse who says all the right things but… cheats. Kind words sometimes mask unkindness or manipulation.
Powerful Words
Words have power. They can be used thoughtfully to convey empathy, understanding, belonging, and curiosity. They can also be weaponized and politicized. In the current political climate, words like awakening, diversity, equity, and inclusion have all been turned into fighting words when, on their own, they express important, compassionate concepts and values.
We all occasionally wish we could take our words or actions back. Sometimes we act or speak without thinking and regret the result. This happens when our words or actions don’t align with our values and our true, authentic selves. Sometimes, of course, we aren’t aware that our word choice or actions have landed badly for someone unless and until they let us know. When someone else’s words unexpectedly hit us hard in a way that seems out of character for them, it’s worth remembering that misalignment happens to each of us sometimes. In either of these instances, it can be helpful to look to intentions. And heartfelt apologies can go a long way.
Harsh Words
Harsh words sometimes align with harsh intentions and sometimes they don’t. While no one else is actually responsible for the way you feel, their words can certainly trigger any number of feelings for you. While you can’t control what someone else does or says, you can choose your response. Maybe you’ll choose to ask what was meant so you can avoid a misunderstanding based on assumptions. You may choose to let them know how you feel in the hope of resolving a conflict or simply feeling better. In doing so, experts suggest expressing the way you feel, using “I feel X” language, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel any particular way (as in, “you made me feel X”). Another possibility is to simply ask the person to repeat themselves. This gives the speaker a chance to correct themselves if the misalignment between words and intention was inadvertent.
Words Matter
Ultimately, words, intentions, and actions all matter. Each is a key personality indicator (the other KPI, if you will) of who we are. When they’re aligned, we’re knowable to others. Misalignment makes knowing us and where others stand with us a little more difficult. Intentions are not always clear unless they’re shared or form part of a pattern. Authentic communication of who we are allows us to be seen and heard. As we get older and sometimes have difficulty recalling the word we’re searching for, we begin to appreciate the power of words that much more. Hopefully most of use that appreciation for good.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Words by Bee Gees, The Word by The Beatles, Good Intentions by Rosemary Clooney, Best of Intentions by Travis Tritt, What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, More Than Words by Extreme, Intentions by Twenty One Pilots, You’re Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Remember, people will judge you by your actions not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold but so does a hard-boiled egg.” – Maya Angelou
Something to try: Learn a new word and use it at least once in conversation this week. Learning new words will increase your inventory when you want to choose the right one and it’s a good way to ward off cognitive decline too. Here are a few you might consider:
- Limerance: The state of being infatuated with someone.
- Metanoia: A spiritual transformation or change of heart.
- Dysania: Difficulty getting out of bed.
- Absquatulate: To leave abruptly.
- Atrate: Dressed in black.
- Idoneous: Appropriate or suitable.
- Brummagem: Cheap and showy.
- Cacoethes: A bad habit or urge.
- Griffonage: Unintelligible or scribbled handwriting.
- Petrichor: The earthy scent after rain.
- Kakorrhaphiophobia: Fear of failure.
- Nudiustertian: The day before yesterday.
- Scurryfunge: To clean in a rush before guests arrive.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.
Coaching Can Help
If you’re struggling in your interactions and want to strengthen you communication and social skills, consider working with a coach. Together, we can help you feel more confident in your conversations. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
As a Jewish person, I am acutely aware, especially over the last two years or so, of the power of words, and how they can generate action. 🙁