Feeling Safe Matters: The Value in Finding a Safe Space

The concept of safety was understood very differently back in the day. For the most part, the focus used to be on safety from physical abuse or injury. We rode our bicycles around the neighborhood and played hide and seek at night because neighborhoods were considered safe spaces in the olden days. The first photo of a missing child’s face on a milk carton, asking “have you seen this child?” didn’t appear until September 1984 (though television sets were asking parents “do you know where your children are?” every night at 10 pm since the late 1960’s). That kind of safety concern and the danger it forewarned are easy to comprehend. But, like so much vocabulary, “safety” has undergone a dramatic transformation and, while safety from physical harm is still something we seek, feeling safe goes well beyond the physical.

What is a Safe Space?

“Safe space” is one of those phrases we hear frequently these days but, for those of us who grew up in a different time, it can be confusing. Safe spaces are all about emotional safety and for the “buck up” generation (shout out to all my fellow Gen Xers), such spaces would suggest people are fragile wimps fretting about having their feelings hurt. But safe spaces and the notion of feeling safe are not at all soft and fluffy. Staying physically close and connected to a group of other human beings is the primary means we’ve developed evolutionarily to survive. Our emotions are what enable us to stay close and connected and make adjustments as needed. Emotional safety, then, is inextricably linked to physical safety. And it matters.

A safe space is any physical, emotional, or relational environment where you feel free to be your authentic self without fear of judgment, ridicule, or harm. It doesn’t guarantee or mean you will never feel hurt or uncomfortable. So much of our personal growth, healing, creativity, and joy hinges on having spaces where we feel fully accepted and protected. Ultimately, emotional safety is a prerequisite for loving and living well, for thriving rather than just surviving.

Emotional Safety is a Healthy Choice

When we feel safe, our nervous systems can relax. We move out of survival mode and into a state where we can think clearly, feel deeply, and engage meaningfully. Health benefits include the ability to breathe comfortably as heart and breathing rates go down and stress-induced perspiration is reduced. The muscles in your body relax and you can tolerate physical pain better when you feel safe.

When you don’t feel emotionally safe, you may freeze by holding your breath or tensing your body or you may shut down. Brain studies have shown that social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as getting physically injured. To your brain, physical and emotional pain are practically the same thing.

Your body is a powerful compass when it comes to safety and may offer some of the following signs when you’re in a safe space:

• You feel your shoulders relax and your breath deepen
  
• You’re not constantly scanning the room or conversation for danger or judgment
  
• You feel seen, heard, and valued
  
• You don’t have to perform, explain, or shrink
  
• You can say “no” without guilt.

Permission to Be Yourself

Feeling safe feels like permission to be yourself freely and fully. You’re likely to express more of your thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative. But like so many things, it has to start with you. Being honest with and kind to yourself and laying off the self judgment can go a long way.

I recently returned from an incredible adventure in Croatia that I shared with 15 other women. After only a week together, some incredibly strong and meaningful bonds were forged. Strong bonds in a short time can only develop when the space is safe and the sharing of stories happens organically. Women, particularly those at midlife and beyond, are so good at this. Many of us have already shed any and all pretense and we recognize there is strength in vulnerability so we lean into it quicker than our younger selves could have imagined.

Safe spaces are more than just a luxury. They are a necessity. In finding or creating them, we give ourselves the gift of freedom to be real, to rest, and to grow. And the more we cultivate safe spaces for ourselves, the more we can extend them to others.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats, How To Save a Life by The Fray, Safe and Sound by Capital Cities, Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars from The Hunger Games soundtrack, Safety Net by Ariana Grande (feat Ty Dolla $ign), Warning by Green Day, The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera, Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “When fear makes your choices for you, no security measures on earth will keep the things you dread from finding you. But if you can avoid avoidance – if you can choose to embrace experiences out of passion, enthusiasm, and a readiness to feel whatever arises – then nothing, nothing in all this dangerous world, can keep you from being safe.” – Martha Beck

Something to try: Build safety within by journaling, therapy, mindfulness, or a self-compassion practice. The goal is to treat yourself with kindness and eliminate self-judgment. Feeling safe with yourself is essential and requires honesty.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

If you like the idea of setting boundaries, seeking out supportive communities, building safety from within, and designing your physical space to maximize safety but you don’t know where or how to start, you might consider working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.