Googling “Is This Normal at [insert age]?” is The New Normal

One of the many great things about having friends who are open with one another is the reality check that’s available if you seek it. As we get older and feel twitches here and there, forget words and trains of thought, and experience changes throughout our systems, it’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume that whatever is happening to us is the worst case scenario. Many of us turn to Google or ChatGPT to better understand whatever it is we’re feeling. Of course, we’re looking to confirm that we have some inoperable tumor and our days are numbered. The truth is that as we get older, the risk of disease certainly increases. None of us gets to live forever. An additional truth is that most of what ails us is not life threatening. So much of what we think is completely off the charts is closer to normal than we might imagine. That’s where the reality check of friendship comes in. But it only works if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Sharing also gives us the opportunity to laugh together and you know what they say about laughter being the best medicine. Googling “is this normal at my age” is an easy first step that, for too many of us, tends to be the only or final step when we should probably be seeking answers from medical doctors and friends. We outsource reassurance to algorithms when what we really need most of the time is social calibration.

Why Do We Do It?

So why do we do it? The ease and immediacy of seeking answers online, in the comfort of our homes can’t be beat. And the price is right. The research seems comprehensive and the results give the appearance of being objectively true. Rather than getting in your head over something, it makes perfect sense to put AI to work in the best possible way. Instructing it to do quick, far-reaching research and provide immediate, objective answers makes sense. Immediacy may help quell your anxiety. Then again, it might make it so much worse. 

Maybe we also turn to Google or Chat instead of real people out of fear of being judged. Maybe we’re embarrassed or we simply don’t want to be a burden. It’s also possible that some people simply don’t trust other people, including medical doctors, and the emotion humans bring to the table. Chatbots are devoid of emotion (even when they act playful) and maybe there’s comfort and confidence in that. Sometimes uncertainty feels safer and more honest when mediated by a screen than a person.

Hidden Costs

But online searches often miss nuance. Google and Chat often don’t know the difference between rare diseases and common ailments and the responses we get from search engines frequently reflect user bias. This makes them unreliable. Searches can’t give us context, real reassurance, humor, or normalization.

Cyberchondriacs are people who search online for medical information compulsively, leading to anxiety over having serious illnesses. Having search tools at our finger tips is certainly convenient and also potentially dangerous. Even those of us whose search patterns don’t meet cyberchondria levels may be paying the price of hidden costs. In addition to heightened anxiety, we may be over-pathologizing that which is actually normal. And we are disconnecting socially as we tend to be siloed in our searches.

Community Over Queries

I think, like most things we do and eat, moderation is the key. It’s unlikely that any of us are going to stop assessing our level of normalcy by seeking answers from search engines. But we can learn to take a pause, to undo our need for speedy answers, to question results by asking probing questions of both search engines and medical doctors, and by turning to the real people in our lives for reassurance, reality, or just plain connection. Search engines, forums, and anonymous advice have largely replaced family, neighbors, peers and doctors when it comes to questioning whether what we’re feeling is normal. Maybe we can dial it back.

Next time you wake up, notice something about your body or feelings, and within 10 seconds reach for your phone to search “is it normal to …,” take a deep breath before you go any further. Consider reaching out to a friend first and asking, “Hey, did this ever happen to you?” After all, normal isn’t a statistic. Most “is this normal?” questions are relational. We don’t just want accuracy. We also want belonging.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Normal by SZA, Next to Normal (Soundtrack from the London/Broadway Musical), New Normal by Khalid, New Normal by Sheryl Crow, I’m Not Okay by My Chemical Romance, Feel Good by Daya, Good as Hell by Lizzo, I’m Still Standing by Elton John, Fever by Peggy Lee, Doctor Doctor by The Who, Doctor My Eyes by Jackson Browne, Heart Attack by Olivia Newton-John

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “The norms were created by somebody, and each of us is somebody. We can make our own normal.”― Glennon Doyle, Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living / A Toolkit for Modern Life

Something to try: If you frequently search health symptoms online, this core Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) technique is for you. When you feel the urge to Google a symptom, stop and set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes. During this time, you cannot search. Instead, do another activity (walk, wash dishes, listen to music). Often, the intensity of the urge will fade. This activity breaks the habit of immediate gratification/reassurance, helping you learn that you can tolerate the anxiety without needing to check online. You may well feel as though you’ve wasted 15 minutes you’ll never get back and you’ll still head to Google or Chat GPT to check in but you’ll have learned that you can tolerate the discomfort of sitting in anxiety and maybe you can build on that.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.

Coaching Can Help

Were you in the middle of seeking medical advice from ChatGPT when you started reading this post? That’s okay! We all do it! If it’s starting to feel like a dependency, though, or a substitute from talking to real people and you want to change that, you might consider working with a coach. Together, we can help you create an action plan full of small steps and accountability so you can keep moving forward. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.