Subconscious Anxiety: Treating the Anxiety You Didn’t Know You Had

Several months ago, I was hospitalized. I had no idea I was as sick as I was. I thought I had the flu and, though I felt lousy, I was sure it would pass when the virus had run its course. Turns out I had walking pneumonia, even though I never developed that deep, wet cough we tend to associate with the illness. The whole experience was an effective reminder that I’m not a medical doctor, and that, though we tend to know when something in our system is off-kilter, we don’t always have the slightest idea of what’s going on or its magnitude.  I learned that walking pneumonia doesn’t mean you can walk even though you have pneumonia. It means you can have pneumonia without ever observing or exhibiting any severe symptoms, even though you have symptoms of “something.” Pneumonia isn’t the only illness that can be sneaky like that and it’s not the first to sneak up on me. Subconscious anxiety is a thing and it’s a thing I now know I dealt with for most of my life. 

Anxiety is an emotion felt when we fear for the future. It’s often characterized by worried thoughts, tension, and elevated blood pressure. The emotion that, for most of us, reacts to present danger is fear. Fear is based on something real and threatening in the present that typically triggers a fight or flight stress response. Anxiety, by contrast, can trigger a fight or flight response even during situations where you are not in actual danger and may never be. The fact that something might happen is enough.

If you’re prone to panic attacks, catastrophizing, tummy trubs (a great phrase coined by a dear friend to describe exactly what you think it describes) or you’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder then you already know Anxiety is your unwelcome sidekick. But sometimes it’s not so obvious. Subconscious anxiety is very good at hiding and masquerading but make no mistake, it’s real and it has an impact. The thing about anxiety is that you can’t deal with it if you don’t know it’s there. Many of us can learn to manage our anxiety if we’re able to understand and recognize our symptoms and triggers. 

Anxiety is Good at Masquerading

Consider if any of the following describe the way you see yourself:

• You’re always busy, but you can’t seem to get anything done or
• You’re easily startled or
• You regularly have an upset stomach but your doctor can’t find a medical reason or
• You’re a perfectionist and your perfectionism is based on the hope that no one can find fault with you if you handle your responsibilities flawlessly, become the perfect friend or partner, and always look your best or
• Everyone around you is getting on your nerves or
• You can’t make decisions or 
• You keep getting sick or
• You can’t sleep even though you’ve tried all the strategies and you leave your phone in a different room overnight or
• You’re often restless. You struggle to pay attention at school, work, or when spending time with loved ones or 
• You feel disconnected and detached from daily life and your regular activities or
• You have trouble finding things, remembering plans you’ve made, showing up on time, or concentrating, making plans, and processing new information or
• You feel perpetually overwhelmed and exhausted or
• You’re organizationally challenged or
• You never say no or
• You eat when you’re not hungry, sometimes in a fog and sometimes like a storm.

Thanks to Buzzfeed and PsychCentral for this non-exhaustive list. Being over-controlling and procrastinating can be added. Many of these are symptoms of a number of conditions so if you keep getting sick, it may have nothing to do with anxiety. But if you read through the list and realized most of the statements actually do apply to you, then isn’t it worth considering whether or not you want to change something? For what it’s worth, 12.5 of the 15 have always been spot on for me. 

There are also myriad physical symptoms that may be anxiety-related. These include frequent headaches, facial or jaw pain (often due to teeth grinding, another symptom of anxiety), chest pain, shortness of breath, frequent urination, decreased interest in sex, loss of appetite, numbness or tingling in fingers, hands, or feet, and dizziness, to name a few.

Anxiety Exposing Herself

My anxiety hid away at a subconscious level until I hit my 50’s. Then, as so many things do at that stage of life, it smacked me in the face, got comfy and dug in. Nothing subconscious about it. The turning point was when a neighbor complained about my dog. It was a sorry saga involving notes, phone calls and unpleasantness, which I understand may not seem like the biggest deal to many people. Still, it unexpectedly shook me to an unreasonable extent. The incident basically served as an invitation to my lifelong frenemy Anxiety to come out of hiding and live her best life. Oh the havoc she wreaked! Side note: My dog was the most wonderful, lovable creature on earth and he too suffered from anxiety, leading to periodic shrieking when he was left alone, which as a result and due to my emergent anxiety, he almost never was.

In retrospect, it makes perfect sense that this was the turning point. It revealed the pressure I put on myself both to be a perfect neighbor and not to take up too much space. I looked back on a lifetime of trying hard to avoid offending people, even if it meant internalizing offense, discomfort and ultimately resentment. Why do we put the comfort of others ahead of our own needs so frequently? This maladaptive behavior is a manifestation of anxiety. I know that now.

Managing Anxiety

Anxiety is a common symptom of menopause and it just so happens that the tale of the neighbor and the dog and my menopause era erupted simultaneously. Anxiety, no doubt, did a happy dance. Untreated anxiety, including anxiety at a subconscious level, can eventually begin to affect your regular routines, create relationship challenges, and add distress to daily life. Your symptoms may not entirely align with “classic” signs of anxiety, but anxiety doesn’t happen in the same way for everyone, so reaching out to a professional is still a helpful step. Fortunately, midlife granted me the patience and curiosity to ultimately learn from and deal with all of what has ailed me, whether I was aware of it or not. Once you begin to understand that the way you are is not the way you have to be and you reflect with honesty and openness, amazing things can happen.

Anxiety can be managed with therapy, medication, meditation, mindfulness, breathing techniques, or a healthy combination of the lot. Some people find yoga, acupuncture, or stress management strategies helpful. Natural DIY approaches include eliminating caffeine and alcohol, staying active, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep. There’s a great deal you can do once you recognize your patterns and symptoms. You might make tremendous progress working with a coach. Don’t you deserve to feel your best?

For me, anxiety is something to manage, rather than treat. Treatment would suggest that it goes away and I don’t think anxiety ever does. But I do believe it can be managed in such a way that it doesn’t interfere with your relationships and daily life and can sometimes even be used to help you move forward. To paraphrase author James Clear (the Atomic Habits guy), I try to use anxiety and fear as my gas pedal, rather than my brake. When it gets in the way, though, I breathe.

Musical Playlist as You Read this Post

Unwell, Matchbox Twenty; Waving Through a Window, Ben Platt/Dear Evan Hanson; My Mind & Me, Selena Gomez

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “Dearest Fear: Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently, your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There is plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this:  Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decision along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of the family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours. … But above all else, my dear all familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”– Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

Something to try: The 4-2-6 breathing technique is a calming exercise. Gently close your eyes or lower your gaze. Inhale slowly for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, then exhale slowly and steadily for 6 seconds. Repeat 5 times. By making the exhale longer than the inhale, you signal to your body that it can relax.

Coaching Can Help

Have you been thinking about starting a meditation or mindfulness practice to help regulate your emotions and manage your anxiety but you’re having trouble getting started? A coach can help you turn mindfulness into a way of life by making mindfulness exercises a habit. If you’d like to hear more, you can schedule a free 15-minute discovery call here.