The presence of extraordinary people in my life and the bonds I share with them have done more for my health and wellbeing than movement, healthy eating, and even sleep. Connection and friendship are recurring themes in this blog because they are both cornerstone and fabric of any life well lived. Most of us want to live well. Many of us focus on exercise, food, rest and spirituality to do just that. But finding your people is just as important, if not more so. As we get older, the importance skyrockets. The word “extraordinary” to describe my friends was selected carefully and something I believe wholeheartedly. If you do not consider the people closest to you extraordinary, in the words of one of my favorite Pilates instructors in response to the woman who said her friends didn’t like Taylor Swift’s new album, maybe you need new friends.
I spent the last week enjoying a mini reunion with some of the women I had the pleasure and honor of traveling through Vietnam and Cambodia with last January. We bonded over a love of travel and food, our sense of curiosity and fun, and the fact that we’re all over 50, which means we all have stories. We’ve only known each other for one year and most of us haven’t seen each other in person since we first met. Still, the bonds that developed overseas and the immediate powerful connections we felt strengthened further and had me feeling as though I’ve known these women far longer than I have. I am confident they will be my friends forever. Or, in the immortal words of Winnie-the-Pooh, even longer.
Fitting In
Quick, deep, meaningful connections make sense as we get older in a way they didn’t before. The speed with which we can get to “deep” when we’re older was impossible for most of us in our younger years. A good deal of youth and early adulthood is spent trying to fit in. As a result, deep connections certainly happen but, more often than not, they need time to build and deepen.
Some of my closest friends have known me for more than 40 or 50 years. These are the saints in my life. They have accepted me through the very long process of trying on different me’s for size. They have stuck by me through it all. It must have been exhausting. While I don’t think I’ve ever been fake, I didn’t fully and comfortably settle into authentic me until my mid to late 50’s. There were a lot of iterations before then. To those who have made me feel connected and accepted through it all, thank you seems insufficient. You helped me become me and I’m grateful to you forever. Even longer. You know who you are.
Belonging
Good friends, no matter when they come into our lives, provide us with a sense of belonging, one of the basic human needs that sits right in the middle of Maslow’s Hierarchy. Brené Brown has shared her shock at discovering through research that fitting in is the opposite of belonging. Fitting in, she explains, requires assessment of what you need to do and who you need to be in order to fit. It typically means becoming who you imagine others want you to be. True belonging, she says, never asks you to change who you are. Fitting in seems so important when we’re growing up and most of us bend in different ways to achieve the fit at least some of the time. But belonging is where the magic happens.
Caring Less and Connecting More
Enter midlife and, if you’re open to discovering and accepting your truest self, fitting in no longer carries the weight it once did. Again, it takes being open and it may take hard work but at a certain point in life, you just may let yourself care less about what others think, including what they think of you. The newer friends you meet in midlife and beyond meet the version of you that’s contorted your way through life and come out on the other side. You may be a little bumped and bruised from the experience but there’s something inherently beautiful, not to mention liberating, about having made the journey to now. Intentionality and giving yourself permission are key to not caring about what other people think and unmasking the beauty of true you. Good friends, new and old, see and celebrate that beauty with you. And you with them.
Interests Matter
There are no rules determining how many good friends you need for good health. Quality beats quantity. Good friends can certainly include family members and romantic partners. The depth of friendship my daughters share with one another is unparalleled. And I think the reason my romantic relationship is incredibly strong has everything to do with the fact that, like Taylor Swift, I have “a best friend who I think is hot.” As for my non-family, non-romantic friends, they are people I respect and admire, for whom I want the best and I will stand by through the worst. They have each lifted me, loved me, lightened me, and laughed with me. We’ve met due to shared interests or shared circumstances and bonded over shared interests and shared values. Interests matter.
Finding your people as you get older means putting yourself in situations where you meet new people and then taking the risk of engaging in conversations. It helps to explore your interests first and put yourself in situations where the people you meet share some of them. The women on my trip last January met through shared interests and connected by sharing our stories.
Leaves, Branches, and Roots
Tyler Perry in character as Madea has a relevant tree analogy that’s moving and insightful. He divides the people in his life into the Leaf people, the Branch people, and the Root people. Each has its place and purpose. Leaves come into your life for a season. You may enjoy them but you can’t count on them. As soon as the wind blows, they’re gone. So have fun with them and don’t expect too much. Accept that you can’t count on them long term. The Branches are stronger than the leaves. They stick around longer than the Leaves but they can break when it gets particularly stormy. There’s a limit to how much weight they can handle. Again, enjoy them while they’re in your life and when it’s time for them to go, let them. The Roots, though… The Roots are the gold. Their only job is to hold you up and nourish you. They may not always be easy to see but they have tremendous staying power. Trees have fewer roots than leaves and branches. We all do. Accept that leaves and branches serve an important purpose and remember to cherish your roots.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Me by Ben E. King, Thank You for Being a Friend by Andrew Gold (The Golden Girls theme), With a Little Help from My Friends by The Beatles:, Count on Me by Bruno Mars, I’m Only Me When I’m With You by Taylor Swift, You’re My Best Friend by Queen, Friends by The Beach Boys, You’ve Got a Friend in Me by Randy Newman (from Toy Story), “I’ll Be There for You by The Rembrandts (from Friends), Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler, That’s What Friends Are For by Dionne Warwick & Friends
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “‘We’ll be friends forever, won’t we Pooh?’ asked Piglet. ‘Even longer’ Pooh answered.” – A.A Milne
Something to try: (1) If you have an old friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while, reach out and say hello. (2) If you want to expand your circle, go to https://www.meetup.com/ and plug in your location. See what events and programs pop up and consider if any of them sound interesting to you. If anything jumps out at you, consider signing up. If you’re not feeling ready to “join,” at least you’ve now discovered a website that might help you out when you are. Meeting people who share your interests is a great way to start.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.
Coaching Can Help
Do you find yourself wanting to strengthen some of your existing friendships or expand your circle and feeling stuck? Working with a coach may be a good way to identify what you’re really looking for, create a plan with small, actionable steps you’re excited to undertake, and provide some accountability to make sure you keep moving forward. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel more confident and move closer to the vision of you that you want to be? Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
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This is an excellent post. When I went through my divorce, I could not have survived it but for the support of my friends. There was the friend who just listened as I tried to figure what the #$&$& had just happened. There was the friend who let me stay with him and his family before I moved back into my old house. There was the friend who never let me pay for a lunch because he would always insist that it was “his turn”. Then, there were the friends, even though some may have been primarily “virtual” or online, who reached out to me to offer support. And, yes, they hopefully know who they are. I treasure each and every one of these people, and I hope that I’ve been able to make it clear to them just how important they are to me.