Feeling relevant is one of those basic needs that covers so much more than the word relevance might suggest. Topics, people, schools of thought, and professional skills all clamor for relevance. Without it, there does not seem to be significance and without significance, things, theories and people fade. On a personal level, we want to matter and be seen. On a professional level, relevance is what keeps us in the game. Being seen and contributing productively are needs, not luxuries.
Irrelevance is equated with invisibility and being put out to pasture. The term “put out to pasture” originally related to tired old horses who were retired from their work. Old horses were put out to the pasture to graze and wait quietly to die. The thing is, for humans, the retirement years have the potential to be the very best years and passively waiting to die doesn’t help us feel relevant or make the most of the time we have. At no age or stage do humans really want to be put out to pasture.
Seeking Relevance is Not Indulgent
Our need to feel relevant may sound dramatic but it is neither indulgent nor hyperbolic. For some people, feeling relevant means purposeful. Having purpose is an indicator of good overall health. For others, relevance has to do with relatability. Relatability makes social connections possible, connections which are also vital to good health. Finally, some people equate relevance with livelihood. There’s certainly nothing indulgent about wanting to remain employable.
Staying Relevant in the Face of Change
The reality is that, particularly as we get older, relationships and circumstances, including what we tend to think of as relevance, change. As our children grow, the role we play in their lives as parents changes quite dramatically. Dynamics change along with our place and purpose in their lives. The change can be challenging to navigate. We no longer hold the relevance in their daily lives that we once did and, in a sense, that’s ultimately what we want for them. Isn’t it? If they’re living their own adult lives, and we’re less relevant, we’ve done something right. None of this has to mean they love us any less.
As friends deal with their own lives, our sense of relevance may shift in that realm as well.
In a work environment, being seen as relevant is necessary for survival. As we get older, it’s hard to ignore the fact that we may be less familiar with newer trends and technologies. In addition to feeling like imposters, it’s easy to feel irrelevant and that can be terrifying. It’s worth remembering that relevance can look different at different stages of a career. Institutional memory and skills honed over the course of time are valuable assets to a workplace. And there’s no reason why we ever have to stop acquiring new skills. Once we retire, we can continue to contribute to society and it’s up to each of us to figure out how.
Strategies to Sustain a Feeling of Relevance
Relevance is not static. When we adapt and change with the times, we can appreciate that the way we see ourselves and the way others see us change too. If we find comfort in a new role with our children, learn new work skills, make new friends, develop new interests and periodically check in with ourselves to consider our purpose, we’re relevant. Acceptance, openness and lifelong learning, are strategies we can use to sustain the feeling at every stage of life. They take us a lot further than trying to stay on top of the latest jargon and pop culture fads.
Blogger Padma Rajeswari suggests the following strategies to sustain a feeling of relevance:
- Acceptance: Accept that our circle and depth of relevance will vary throughout life.
- Openness: Be open to building new relationships, creating different possibilities
- Lifetime Learning: Do the work to stay abreast, continuously learn and adapt
Mindfulness is both a practice and another crucial strategy to sustain relevance throughout our lives. Relevance is most sustainable, though, when we feel relevant to ourselves. Sure, we want to be seen, heard, and recognized by others but as we get older and realize the views and judgments of others don’t matter to us as much as they once did, we’re reminded that the way we see ourselves is what’s most important. Recognition by others does not determine our value. Simply put, we matter. And as long as we never stop exploring, cultivating and learning, we’ll meet the challenge of time and appreciate our own relevance that much more.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
This is Me from The Greatest Showman, Human by Christina Perri, It’s Time by Imagine Dragons, Forever Young by Bob Dylan, Back When We Were Beautiful by Emmylou Harris and Rodney Cowell, When We Were Young by Adele, Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag by James Brown
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Existence is no more than the precarious attainment of relevance in an intensely mobile flux of past, present, and future. – Susan Sontag
Something to try: Feeling relevant is feeling that you matter. Rather than putting your expectations on others to help you feel like you matter, follow the example led by Harvard scientist Ellen Langer in the 1970s. She studied two groups of nursing home residents, controlling for numerous risk factors. Plants were given to each of them. Researchers told the first group that they were directly responsible for keeping the plant alive. They told the second group that the staff would take care of the plant. After 18 months, twice as many patients in the first group were alive. Get yourself a plant and tend it like its life depends on you. It does. You matter. Your relevance is unquestionable.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.
Coaching Can Help
Are you struggling with feeling relevant? A mindfulness practice might help you with perspective and strategies. Consider working with a coach. The creation of a new good habit can be challenging and you don’t have to do it alone. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
Back in my younger days (I won’t say exactly when), I often used to think that if I vanished, it might take “the world” several weeks before anyone would even notice!
We would notice!!!!!!!