Allowing Ourselves To Be Brave and Soar Imperfectly

The Oscars aired recently, the pinnacle of recognition in the motion picture industry. The show opened with a medley and then a duet sung by powerhouses Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande, stars of the movie Wicked. I’m so glad they opened because I never manage to stay awake to see the entire show. They just blew me away. When they launched into their duet of Defying Gravity and Cynthia Erivo sang the words “Someone told me lately that everyone deserves a chance to fly,” I realized I was crying. I was so moved and, quite possibly like billions of other people watching at the same moment, I felt like she was singing to me.

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Fly

Wicked overflows with good life lesson nuggets but this one, put to music, sung by a supreme talent, just speaks (sings?) volumes. In Defying Gravity, Elphaba, the future Wicked Witch of the West, shifts her mindset, accepts herself, and embraces her power. After recognizing that something has changed within her, she knows that she’s “through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game,” she’s “through accepting limits,” and she’s ready to trust her own instincts. Elphaba sounds like the role model for midlife. Something changes within us. It’s up to us to set our own rules and limits, try new things, and make the changes we feel are right for us. But change won’t happen unless and until we resolve to be brave. And that applies to us at any age or era.

The Bravery Deficit

Most of us know some brave women and many of us have been considered brave by others or by ourselves on occasion. Still, it seems that women have generally been raised to be less brave than men. Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code, has a great TED talk focused on the premise that, while we raise our boys to play rough, take risks, and be brave, we raise our girls to avoid risk and failure, play it safe, and get all A’s. Women are socialized to follow rules and aspire to perfection, often leading us to be overly cautious and take fewer risks. So if you’re more of a rule follower than a risk taker, you should know that’s by design. Reflecting on the “bravery deficit,” Saujani stresses that we have to socialize our girls to be comfortable with imperfection.

Two fundamental truths, flipsides of the same coin, apply to the concept of perfection as it relates to humans. One is that it doesn’t exist and the second is that we’re ALL and always will be imperfect. Still, consciously or not, many of us wait until everything, including ourselves, is in perfect order before taking a chance. Is everything ever in order? Chasing an unattainable goal is a certain path to disappointment. Perfection doesn’t exist so it’s clearly not attainable. A student who chases perfect grades will always find someone else they or others consider smarter. Men and women chasing a perfect physique or flawless face almost never stop finding flaws to fix. Bravery is striking out in spite of our perceived flaws, maybe even because of them. If it doesn’t involve embracing them, at the very least it requires accepting them.

Take Comfort in Imperfection

I don’t think the quest to have it all together has anything to do with the belief that any of us actually thinks we could be perfect. For some of us, those aspirations result from the way we were socialized. For many of us, they come from a foundation of insecurity. Maybe they’re about proving ourselves, making ourselves indispensable or relevant, or projecting outward something we may not be feeling inward. Regardless of the motivation, we so frequently hold ourselves back.

When we’re comfortable, really comfortable, with our imperfections, they’re no longer our focus. They’re not who we are. We understand that we are exactly as we’re meant to be at any given point in time. Sure, we can make adjustments and even transformations but the core of who we are remains intact. We can become reasonably comfortable with it. That’s where the the worthy aspirations lie. Only in that state can we develop the dose of bravery we need to take chances, set whatever limits we want (or none at all) and fly.

We so often go through life trying to fit in, following the rules, focusing on meeting the expectations of others. Many of us only connect with our power to change that at midlife. Igniting that power is what it means to be brave.

The bottom line is that everyone deserves a chance to fly but so many of us get in our own way. It’s within each of us to change the outcome. Waiting until all the circumstances are right before setting ourselves free is what our systems do to protect us and keep us safe. By changing our systems, we can change our trajectories and find a new safe space that serves us better. When we recognize that a perfect context is unnecessary, we can channel the bravery each of us has within, shed random limits on what we can do and accomplish, and soar to the highest heights. Heights that we determine and define for ourselves. Don’t let fear stop you. Do the work and be brave. The sky’s the limit.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked, Fly Robin Fly by Silver Convention, Fly Like an Eagle by the Steve Miller Band, Gonna Fly Now by Bill Conti, Learning to Fly by Tom Petty, Airplane by Plain White T’s, Leaving on a Jet Plane by Peter, Paul & Mary, Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz, Learn to Fly by the Foo Fighters

Thinking and Trying

Something(s) to think about (some additional wisdom from Wicked):

• The Wizard: “The best way to bring folks together is to give them a real good enemy.”
• Elphaba: “I don’t cause commotions. I am one.”
• Glinda: “Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?”
• Fiyero: “She doesn’t give a twig what anyone thinks.”
• Madame Morrible: “Once you learn to harness your emotions, the sky’s the limit.”

Something to try: Listen to Reshma Saujani’s TED talk.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts where we share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women.

Coaching Can Help

Do you like the idea of taking chances in theory but translating that into practice has you feeling stuck? If you imagine a healthier, happier you that isn’t restricted by limits set by someone else, you aren’t alone. You can rid yourself of those limits, be brave and soar. If you need some support in your journey to a healthier, happier you, consider working with a coach. Contact me here and let’s talk about what coaching can do for you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.