When I was a child, I remember thinking business leaders must all be brilliant. It never would have occurred to me that anyone could become a boss without being a genius. As I grew up, particularly as I entered the workforce, I was shocked by the number of non-geniuses who held top spots in their respective companies and fields. I think I related genius to competence and assumed it was a necessary part of the success and leadership equation but, alas, not so much. Often those in the top spots had just outlasted everyone else. Apart from the longevity factor, many of these people had the confidence necessary to ascend, if not competence.
Competence and confidence are frequently confused. Some people have both, some have one or the other. Sadly, some seem to have neither. People who have a disproportionate amount of one and are sorely lacking in the other fascinate me, mostly because they can still be extremely successful. The other truth is that a person can become competent and/or confident even if that’s not their natural state. Competence and confidence are skills that can be learned and strengthened.
Fake It Till You Make It
If you grew up hearing “fake it till you make it,” the “it” could have applied to either one. Sometimes you learn by doing and if you act like you know what you’re doing, you may well develop expertise, not to mention confidence in your ability.
When confidence outshines competence, we tend to think of it as loud. But authentic confidence is frequently fairly quiet. When you’re truly confident, you know you have nothing to prove. The same is probably true for competence. Best to “show it, don’t tell it.”
Be Open and Reframe
One of the gifts of midlife for many of us is a reframing of what we mean by competence and confidence and, frequently, a new level of attainment of each. For so many people, midlife comes with a new perspective that results in caring less about what others may think. With caring less about external judgment, comes the opportunity for clarity. It also comes with an ability to dig deep, learn because we’re curious, understand ourselves better and be our best selves if we’re open to it. No midlife epiphanies benefit those who remain closed and mired in the way things have always been, concerned by what others might think.
Midlife presents us with the opportunity to reflect on both what we’ve done and what we’re good at as well as the opportunity to learn even more. Developing new interests and learning new skills have health benefits. Appreciating what you can do and how far you’ve come in life can benefit your overall health as well. In other words, developing competence and building confidence are skills within your grasp at midlife even if you felt one or the other eluded you before. Once you’ve reached this stage of life, you’ve been through a lot and it stands to reason that you must be doing something right.
You don’t have to be good at everything but it’s good to know what you’re good at. A strong leader recognizes everyone is good at something. You’re the leader of your own life and that means you’re good at something too.
Building Skills Takes Practice
At the end of the day, confidence can beget competence and vice versa. It helps to start with at least some small measure of each. However, regardless of where you start, these are skills and skills can be learned. Application of Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hour rule (which you can read while you listen to the song 10,000 hours by Dan & Shay and Justin Bieber) will get you all the competence you desire in any area you wish if your 10,000 hours of practice are focused and intentional.
Building confidence isn’t so different. It may take time but you can do it. Confidence, after all, is a belief in your capability. Start with something small you believe you’re capable of doing and practice until you do it well. Then be sure to avoid comparing yourself to others and don’t get hung up on virtue signaling humility. Rather, own your greatness. Everyone is good at something. Allow yourself to feel confident in your something and build from there.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Me Too by Meghan Trainor, Confident by Demi Lovato, Confident by Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper, Good as Hell by Lizzo, Unstoppable by Sia, Flowers by Miley Cyrus, You Should See Me in a Crown by Billie Eilish, Run the World by Beyoncé, Who Says by Selena Gomez
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Have you ever noticed when you look in a mirror, unless you’re really depressed or something, the person in the mirror generally looks a little more competent, a little more curious, a little more intelligent than you actually feel yourself to be? They often look more interesting and more soulful.” – Gregory Maguire (author of Wicked)
Something to try: Strike a power pose (they can change your body chemistry and make you feel more confident and in control):
- The Superhero Pose: Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands on hips, and chest lifted. Imagine you’re a superhero about to save the day. Hold this pose for at least two minutes. Feel the surge of empowerment as you embody the strength and confidence of a superhero.
- The CEO Pose: Assume seated with your hands behind your head, leaning back slightly. This pose exudes authority and control. Hold it for a few minutes before important meetings or presentations to evoke a sense of self-assurance.
- The Victory Pose: Stand tall with arms raised overhead in a V shape. This pose mimics the triumphant stance of a victorious athlete. It boosts confidence and instils a positive mindset, reminding you that you can achieve your goals.
Try doing all 3 every day. Once you stop laughing at yourself, you may feel a genuine boost in self confidence.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen in on Spotify or Apple podcasts. On the podcast, we share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
If you’re having trouble developing confidence in your competence or you’re suffering from imposter syndrome, you might benefit from working with a coach. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
