Comparison and competition are pretty standard fare for people. It’s not unusual to compare ourselves to others and, overtly or not, compete with them. Competition is encouraged on sports fields and board games but, not surprisingly, it can suck the life out of you when it extends unhealthily as it so often does. Social media and doom scrolling have brought it all to another level but getting caught up comparing yourself to others and feeling like the loser in the competition is not new. We can’t seem to stop ourselves. The reality is you’ll always find someone smarter, prettier, more accomplished, kinder, or “better” if you look for them. Why do we insist on looking for them?
Everything I Needed to Know I Learned From a Children’s Book
As someone with a firmly held belief that every important life lesson can be found in the pages of a children’s book, I cannot help but be reminded of the young adult novel, The DUFF, written by Kody Keplinger (when she was just 17), and the 2015 big screen version starring Mae Whitman. At the story’s resolution, when our protagonist comes into her power, she rises above it all, telling the popular girl bully “Yeah, I’m somebody’s DUFF. And guess what? So are you. So is everybody. There’s always going to be somebody prettier, more talented or richer than you. But it shouldn’t affect how you see yourself.” You got that right! DUFF is Designated Ugly Fat Friend, by the way. IYKYK (if you know, you know). But I digress, the real question is why are we so stuck on seeking out comparisons and why do the achievements of others and who they are affect the way we see ourselves?
Nurture Over Nature
Comparing and competing is all nurture, no nature. We’re socially conditioned to do this thing that does not generally serve us well. It starts when we’re kids with academic performance and sports rankings. Then it morphs into something very different for so many people. Comparison is an emotional drain and a productivity pitfall that strains relationships and reduces self worth. Shouldn’t we be able to reverse the conditioning?
To be clear, I’m not suggesting all competition is bad. Competition can be healthy, winning can be well deserved and losing is something we should all learn to do. But healthy competition is the kind you enter consciously and intentionally. The competition that comes from comparison is typically not intentional. Rather, it’s the kind of competition that creeps up on you and messes with you. It may even take the form of a nasty little imaginary sidekick that constantly points out how you pale and fail in comparison.
Competing With Yourself
Many of us try to fight the urge to compare ourselves to others. We might even deny that we’re competing in any way. Maybe we insist we’re really not competitive, other than with ourselves. I’m pretty sure I’ve said this myself on occasion. Competing with yourself in the sense of bettering oneself seems growth-oriented and positive. But a nefarious cousin – hypothetical you – may lurk in the shadows.
As we get older, we tend to take stock of where we’re at, compared to where we thought we’d be. It’s one thing to engage in continuous self improvement. Comparing ourselves to who we imagined or hoped we would be – that hypothetical version of ourselves who was destined to take on the starring role in our fabulous life and never made it to center stage – that’s a different thing entirely. Negative comparisons to or competition with a person who does not exist and never has doesn’t even make sense. But many of us do this and suffer for it. It can be soul crushing.
Stopping the Cycle
Theodore Roosevelt gets credit for the quote, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Life is better when we maximize joy so it’s worth exploring ways to stop comparing so we can redirect energy into making life richer, fuller, and more meaningful.
Like so many accumulated bad habits, comparing yourself to others is a tough habit to break. And like so many behaviors we’re aching to change, the answer for many of us lies in mindfulness. When we start scrolling on social media or walk into a room full of people, it’s worth stopping for a moment, taking a pause and noticing the comparisons as they begin. Maybe if we consider what we’re hoping to achieve by comparing ourselves to others (or to that hypothetical other-us), we can slow down the practice long enough to determine if there’s anything to be gained. If not, maybe we can take a breath and try acknowledging something about ourselves we like instead. And maybe we can be grateful for whatever it is.
The time we might have spent comparing ourselves might be better spent celebrating ourselves. If we’re going to compete with anyone, maybe it should be our past selves. Life is demanding and it can be so difficult. To have made it from your past self to whomever you are now took strength, resilience, and skill. Celebrate that! My dad used to say, “don’t compare apples to oranges.” There is no other you. So own the fact that you’re an apple among oranges or an orange among apples. There’s no room or need for comparison. The fruit bowl of life is what it is because you’re in it!
Musical Playlist to Ponder While You Read This Post
Comparison by Citizen Soldier, Jealousy, Jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo, Jealous by Beyonce, I’m a Loser by The Beatles, The Winner Takes it All by Abba, Stronger by Kelly Clarkson, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’ by Daft Punk, It’s Good to be King by Tom Petty
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: ″‘Well, in our country,’ said Alice, still panting a little, ‘you’d generally get to somewhere else – if you ran very fast for a long time as we’ve been doing.’ ‘A slow sort of country!’ said the Queen. ‘Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!‘” – Lewis Carroll, From the Looking Glass
Something to Try: Next time you find yourself falling into the comparison trap, take a moment to pause and breathe. Identify at least one quality of yours that you like. And then end each day identifying something for which you are grateful. By focusing on what you have, rather than what you lack, you shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance. Rewire your brain to spot the positives.
Coaching Can Help
If you’re having trouble shutting down unproductive comparisons and rewiring your brain to spot the positives sounds good to you, coaching can help. Schedule a free 15-minute discovery Zoom session with me here.
I am the unquestioned “king” of (negative) comparison. My entire life, I’ve always compared myself to others, and generally negatively. That said, I don’t think that it’s always a bad thing–sometimes, it can be a motivating force, or at least in my case, it was.
The DUFF!! I’ve seen that movie more times than I can count, probably because one of my daughters made me watch it with her every time that it was on.