Personal Growth Happens When You Take Responsibility and Stop Waiting to Be Saved

One of the core ingredients of a happier, healthier life is a sense of belonging. Friendship, connection, and community can help us get through the most challenging times. They can certainly feel like saviors. The value placed on these connections is said to be one of the reasons why women live longer than men. As a general rule, men and women do friendship differently. Women are more likely to invest heavily in friendships, open up, and draw strength from one another. Drawing strength from your tribe, though, is entirely different from relinquishing responsibility for your own life. Your drive, your purpose, your edge all come from within. The choices you make are yours. When we take responsibility for our lives, we can grow in the direction we choose, the one that’s right for us, and connections become even more meaningful.

The Power to Choose

Wrapping your head around the notion of taking responsibility can be just as tricky as digging into the notion of being saved. Both have everything to do with control and agency. When we take responsibility, we acknowledge power to choose, act, and grow. This is power we all have and are sometimes reluctant to exercise. Maybe it makes us uncomfortable and maybe we don’t always understand what we have or what we’re capable of doing, feeling, and being. It’s there nonetheless. Taking responsibility is the key to self reliance, one of those quiet skills that unlocks a treasure trove. It flows into greater self-confidence, resilience, and self-appreciation.

The Power to Save Yourself

The opposite of taking responsibility is waiting to be saved, a concept that transcends its literal meaning. Waiting until we’re ready or the time is right to make a change is akin to waiting until something outside our control aligns and we can move forward. That something isn’t always a someone. Often, though, we’re subconsciously waiting for someone else’s intervention to clear a path for us. We don’t always think in terms of waiting to be saved even when it’s precisely what we’re doing.

Conversations about wellness often focus on the importance of having a network. It’s easy to see how the focus on network development or tribal reliance can serve as a procrastination tool when you’re not entirely thrilled by your current state of affairs. Connection is not a replacement for self reliance, though. It’s an enhancer. It may certainly feel like your friends come to your rescue sometimes but they’re there as sidekicks. You’re the main character in your story and it’s always been that way. The only person who can save, rescue, or change you is you.

The Power to Take Radical Responsibility

You take responsibility every day of your life by getting yourself up and out, by doing what you do. Now it’s time to internalize “no one is coming to save you” as a motivational truth and ask yourself what’s next. Life, Leadership, and Executive Coach Vanessa suggests ten ways to take radical responsibility for your life that really resonated with me so I happily share them with you:

1. Make choices based on what’s actually true, rather than what you think should be true.
2. Assert and reinforce your feelings, needs, boundaries, and requests; don’t assume others know how you feel or what you need.
3. Take ownership of your past choices and future dreams. Don’t blame others or external circumstances.
4. Honor the personal power of others. Treat others as creative, whole, and resourceful rather than needing your help or values for their own good.
5. Filter for present-moment thinking; don’t get mentally stuck in the past (you can’t change it) or focus on the future (it’s impossible to predict.)
6. Focus on what’s in your control; accept what’s not. (Hint: you are in control of yourself and no one else.)
7. Be radically honest with yourself and your values; don’t go along with others because it’s easier.
8. Practice your ability to respond to your emotions, sensations, and thoughts in a way that’s useful; don’t get sucked into a thought or feeling because it arises.
9. Practice self-compassion: treat yourself with kindness and grace, set realistic standards, and recognize that to err is human.
10. Take action. Action is reciprocal with confidence. Don’t stay stuck because you’re unsure or the path is unclear. Take a step forward.

The Power to Grow

Stop waiting for a perfect moment or a rescue. Take action now to change your circumstances and grow. When you take action, you’re taking a chance every time. It’s okay if you choose the wrong action or make a mistake. There’s no growth without risk. And there’s always a next step. It’s up to you to figure out what it is. Save yourself is code for making the most of your life. Isn’t it worth it to you to try?

Your people are meant to be the salt on the rim of your margarita, enhancing its flavor. They’re not the main event. You are the main event in your own life. It’s up to you to take responsibility and build the life you want for yourself. If you’re not a salt on the margarita rim kind of person, then consider that those who form your tribe are the icing on the cake you bake yourself, the truffle on your fries, the squeeze of fresh lemon on anything…

Your friends are your network of superheroes and you are the superhero in the center. Having powers of your own may help cushion the blow when you realize no one is coming to save you and make everything okay. You’ve had the power all along.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

I’m No Superman by Lazlo Bane, Superwoman by Alicia Keys, Superheroes by The Script, Hero by Mariah Carey, Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John, Rescue Me by One Republic, Rescue Me by Aretha Franklin, Warrior by Demi Lovato, I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins, I Didn’t Know My Own Strength by Whitney Houston, Brave by Sara Bareilles,  I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “Look at the word responsibility – “response-ability” – the ability to choose your response.” – Stephen Covey

Something to try: Let’s try a “What’s Next” Accountability Mindset Shift. For the next week, replace “if only” excuses (e.g., “If only I had time…”) with proactive “next step” language as in “I have a few minutes, what’s the next step I can take?” Each of us is in the driver’s seat of our own life. We get to choose. I wonder if you’ll feel a little empowered by the end of the week.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.

Coaching Can Help

Do the words “no one is coming to save you” freak you out? What about the words “take responsibility?” Life is hard and the fantasy of having someone come along to save us from having to figure it out can be appealing. It’s okay to not really want to take responsibility and it’s possible to do it anyway. Coaching can help you do that. Together, we can help you develop confidence and resilience so you can keep moving forward. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.