Identity Matters But It Can Be a Challenge to Describe Yourself

The Handmaid’s Tale final season is currently streaming on Hulu. If you’re not familiar, it’s a television series based on Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel set in Gilead, a totalitarian man’s world that has overthrown the U.S. government. Perversion of religion is used to address an infertility pandemic by strictly controlling women. June is the titular Handmaid, renamed Offred, as in “Of Fred.” She is the property of Fred.

Handmaids are breeders who wear a uniform and follow rigid rules of behavior. They have no rights, no identities. Though struggling to survive, they are a beautiful, powerful force when they unite. In the process of turning into a formidable army, some acknowledge no longer knowing who they are. Identity matters. Is it even possible to know yourself when everything that is “you” is gone? And what about the fact that over time, even without a coup and a totalitarian regime, we change? Beyond the politics of the day, the identity theme of this series has me thinking about women at midlife.

The Complexities of Women

In the very last episode, June’s mother encourages her to become the author of her story, to write the book that tells her children who their mother was. Her own mother describes her as a warrior but June seems unsure. In the same episode, Serena, one of the true villains of the story, questions her identity now that the wretched world order she’d helped create is falling apart, no other countries will let her in and many people want her dead. June looks at her and the baby in her arms and gently reminds her, “You’re his mother. Just be that.”

A woman, every woman, even a mother, is so much more than a mother or a child-bearing vessel. Some women cannot have children and some choose not to have children and they are not lesser women in any way. In a Four Wise Women podcast episode where we explored the midlife crisis, one of my co-hosts noted that nature keeps women around long after their childbearing years end. The implication is that nature knows we’re more than that. But sometimes society forgets. Sometimes we forget. We know that people are complex and interesting individuals yet we don’t always remember the same is true about ourselves. Midlife tends to be a time when many women take stock of who they are only to realize they’re not quite sure of their identities beyond serving as caregivers to others. But identity matters and is worth figuring out at any stage.

Know Yourself

More important than sharing your story with others is understanding your identity yourself. The midlife inflection point is a good time, but far from the only time, to consider how you describe yourself and how you wish to. As we get older and some of our roles change, many people start feeling somewhat invisible. The thing is that others have never noticed any of us to the extent we imagine they have so maybe invisibility is more of an internal issue than an external one. Do people with a strong sense of self feel less invisible as they age? Probably. Or maybe they just don’t care so much about visibility to others. In any event, it makes sense that visibility and self identity begin within each of us. Knowing and understanding ourselves is one of the keys to living the lives we want, on our terms.

Identifying your identity is a self awareness exercise requiring you to let go of past versions of yourself as well as versions you imagined you’d become. Your identity is a present tense concept that is necessarily fluid as you go through life but somewhat static in the here and now. Some elements may hold all the way through and others change over time. Who you are now is the you worth knowing. If the you that you’d like to be differs in some way, knowing and embracing who you are now will help you get there.

In the process of self identifying, we might want to make certain we get to know our parents as the individuals they are beyond who they are to us. Parents shape us genetically and emotionally to such an extent that it can be easy to forget they’re standalone people in their own right.

The Finale

The Handmaid’s Tale finale ends a 3 episode arc of the series that represents the revolution. The tagline, “the revolution is her” makes me emotional. These three episodes may be the best television I’ve ever watched. I found myself riveted to my seat, yelling at the television, cheering, crying and maybe even praying a little. With themes like power, gender oppression, religious extremism, and resistance, and a world order where women’s identities, bodies and choices are stripped from them, it’s all pretty thought-provoking, not to mention chillingly relatable on so many levels and frighteningly timely. Running through it all is this sense that identity matters and identities shift and who you are inside can help you rise up and accomplish what seems impossible (even if the bastards try to grind you down. IYKYK).

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: Consider a few of my favorite quotes from The Handmaid’s Tale: “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” “We thought we had such problems. How were we to know we were happy?” “I want to be held and told my name. I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. I repeat my former name; remind myself of what I once could do, how others saw me. I want to steal something.”― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale

Something to try:

(1) If you’re a fan of the series but one of those people who was unhappy with the finale, I urge you to rewatch the first season, which will undoubtedly help you appreciate the mastery and brilliance of the finale.

(2) If you felt a little lost reading this post and have no interest in The Handmaid’s Tale but want to better understand your self identity, start by giving some thought to what excites you. What activities and situations energize you? These can be activities or situations that currently exist for you only at a fantasy level. Nonetheless, if they excite you, they’re offering information about you. Sometimes we have to try different things to figure out what excites or even interests us. The process is key and yours to enjoy. Try new things, learn new things, visit new places, make new friends, and then assess what really works for you. Set aside whatever doesn’t.

(3) If you feel as though you’re really at a loss, try asking a friend to serve as your mirror. Hearing how they see you might be enormously helpful (and it might make you feel good).

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

You Don’t Own Me by Lesley Gore, Burn the Witch by Radiohead, Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift, The Blackest Day by Lana Del Ray, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, Fire and Rain by James Taylor, Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift, At Last by Etta James, Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle, Parents Are People from Marlo Thomas’ Free To Be You and Me, I am Woman by Helen Reddy

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

Do you sometimes feel out of touch with who you are? If someone asks about your interests, are you comfortable and satisfied with your reply? Coaching can help you connect with your identity and improve your self awareness which, in turn, can help improve your connections with others. Contact me here and let’s talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.