Setting the Stage to Live Your Best Life: Who Would I Be if I Moved to Montana?

When you imagine your best life, is there a specific location you just know would bring out the best in you? There was a time, not all that long ago, when I dreamed about moving to Montana. I was dating someone at the time and we often talked about our future in Big Sky Country, living on a ranch, growing our own food, building an outdoor pizza oven, hiking in Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks. I imagined I would be my best self there. Time and circumstances changed the fantasy but there’s a part of me that still imagines Montana Me to be all that I could be. A friend of mine recently shared that she always imagined she’d live in Paris. So many of her life dreams came true but, alas, not that one. She wrote an essay about who she would be if she moved to Paris and realized she could still be whoever she wanted, wherever she lived. She challenged me to seriously consider who I would be if I moved to Montana.

To identify who you would be if you lived in a location you imagine would make all the difference begins with describing your Fantasy Self in detail, including but not limited to geography. This differs from the visioning step that happens at the beginning of a coaching relationship. In that case, the client identifies their vision of their healthiest, happiest self. The vision is linked to the values they deem most important, with a view toward making small sustainable changes to get to that place. Fantasy Self is an idealized version of yourself, not a vision. It is not necessarily based on your values and may be disconnected from reality. Maybe your true interests, capabilities, or circumstances just don’t suit that fantasy. Fantasy Self is who you could be if just a few circumstances changed rather than by putting in the work.

Fantasy Self

In direct contrast to visioning, Fantasy Self can hold you back and make you prone to self judgment if you’re not careful. A Fantasy Self reveals its true colors when you realize you’re not actually willing to sacrifice the life you have now to transform it. Transformation requires planning, effort, and accountability. Fantasy only requires the ability to dream.

For some people, acquiring the accoutrements of their Fantasy Self can become a problem. Where do you store all the equipment, clothing, books, makeup and skincare products that you collect to be your best self and then never use? Clutter is a health hazard at every level. Decluttering the clutter associated with the Fantasy Self requires a good deal of consideration and self awareness. Self awareness is tough enough for many of us when it comes to our current selves. Decluttering your Fantasy Self begins with awareness of your current self and then a reckoning to determine which of the fantasy features align with current you and which don’t. Geography added into the mix is little more than a distraction.

Who Did I Think I Would Be?

Who did I think I would I be if I moved to Montana? I’d be someone who spends my days outside in nature, a hiker, gardener, maybe even a fisherwoman. I would be fit and strong with pink cheeks, muscular arms, and confidence. I would see the sky, the big sky, all around me, all the time, smell the smells and hear the sounds of a world that lifted me up.

Montana Me would write best selling books that inspire, sitting on my deck. But I would only sit for a short time each day. I would limit my sitting time the way some people in cities limit their screen time. On a recent Four Wise Women podcast episode, I learned that sedentary is the new smoking and haven’t been able to chase that thought from my head. No, I would do yoga daily on that deck, for hours, and I would master it.

I would hone my cooking skills to the level of a pro and serve up the freshest, tastiest, fanciest, healthiest cuisine. The cakes I would bake would be so beautifully decorated, they’d go viral. My dogs would roam free and entertain me endlessly with their silliness so I would naturally be very smiley. I would spend so much time in the national parks, learning all there is to know and guiding friends on hikes whenever they visited. I would give master classes in hiking the national parks. Montana would offer just the right blend of social life and social isolation so my emotional battery would never need recharging and between that and the natural immersion in Vitamin D, I would feel energized and alive.

Who Am I Not?

So, cards on the table, I’ve never been to Montana. Never. But everything I’ve heard about Montana, namely, the majestic mountains, deep valleys, winding rivers, green forests, and huckleberries made it the perfect setting to live a life I imagined would enable me to access the very best in myself. An additional confession is that, other than visiting the Grand Canyon, I’ve never even been to a national park, I’m not much of a hiker and I have a terrible sense of direction. Furthermore, I have flexibility issues, I’m terrible at yoga, and don’t even enjoy it. Then there’s the fact that I bake well but decorate cakes like a five year old. And the fact that I don’t have dogs. I’ve also never written a book.

Who Am I Now?

My current self, the me who works hard at maximizing my present state of health and happiness, can see that some features of Fantasy Me are already part of Real Me. I can see additional features that may well become part of me if I work at them. Montana has nothing to do with it. As you may recall from my earlier post about senses, I’ve come to highly value living with my five senses. For me, that entails spending a considerable amount of time outdoors and taking in the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and feels of all that’s around me. I can do that wherever I am. Travel is very important to me. I can take my senses around the world and know that I will return home after each excursion. Home is important to me. It’s where I feel grounded and where my adult children live. I don’t want to be too far for too long.

I may never excel at cake decorating and that’s okay and I may never write a book but who knows? I’ll continue to try new recipes and improve my cooking skills. I live in an apartment in Manhattan so I won’t be gardening any time soon. But there are so many kits for growing fresh herbs indoors and I can definitely do that.

I’ve already put hiking and national parks on my Must Do list. A friend and I are planning to hike in some of the Utah parks as soon as we can. And I think I may need to adopt a dog but probably just one. I wasn’t fully aware of this need until it showed up in my Fantasy Self description. My little guy passed away last February and I miss him terribly. Maybe it’s time.

Commit to Real You

The utility in describing your Fantasy Self lies in identifying what excites you enough or feels important enough to commit to action. Declutter and let the rest of it go. Donate whatever items you’re holding onto in the hope they’ll help turn you into that fantasy person. There is no magic involved in becoming your best self but there is a process. That process can be undertaken anywhere you live. Commit to yourself and do the work. What’s your Montana?

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Wild Montana Skies by John Denver and Emmylou Harris, Montana Song by Hank Williams, Jr., Montana by Owl City, Montana by Daya, Montana by Frank Zappa, Who Said and Nobody’s Perfect and Best of Both Worlds By Hannah Montana

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “The best-kept secret about Montana is the women. They are tough, smart, sexy, and kind-hearted. It’s a lucky guy that ends up with a Montana gal.” – Jeff Ament, musician (Pearl Jam)

Something to try: The first-ever Well Festival, hosted by the Well desk of The New York Times, ran on Wednesday, May 7 from 9:30 a.m. ET to 5:30 p.m. ET. The 13 panels, covering love and relationships, the quest for joy, facing adversity, protecting mental health, aging well and many other issues featured Times reporters and editors speaking with doctors, relationship experts, athletes, authors and celebrities. The festival had nothing to do with Montana but the topics and insights were interesting. You can watch here (it starts at 11:12).

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

Who would you be if you become who you want to be? Why not find out? Contact me here and let’s talk about how coaching can help you design a mindfulness practice that works for you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.