It’s Better to Take Up Space Than Minimize Problems

The Apple TV comedy drama, Shrinking, has some of my favorite characters on television, including Gaby the therapist, played by Jessica Williams, and Liz the neighbor, played by Christa Miller. In Season 2, Episode 6, Gaby calls Liz to see how she’s doing at the end of a rough day. “Hi,” she says, “Just checking in on you. Are you okay? You in the tub? Doing your depressed thing?” Liz responds, “I’m fine. My problems aren’t real. What do I have to complain about? My favorite eyelash lady is out of town so I have to go to my second favorite eyelash lady?” Gaby says, “Hey Liz. Don’t do that to yourself. Okay? This shit is real and if you’re not careful, it’ll get you.” I think Gaby may be onto something. I’m not sure who benefits when we minimize problems or feel reluctant to take up space.

As you know if you’ve read my last few blog posts, I’ve recently returned from an incredible trip, with an amazing group of women. One of the few requirements to be part of this group was to have and bring a good attitude. This was not a trip for complainers. That got me thinking about the fact that women are so often not complainers. So many of us minimize problems to an extreme when we’re talking to friends or even to ourselves. This certainly does not apply across the board. Plenty of people are comfortable complaining a lot. But over the course of two weeks, I heard intelligent, brave, and talented women share stories and then write them off as “first world problems” or “not really anything to complain about.” In reality, we were all coming from developed nations and had the means to take a tremendous trip so any and all of our problems were and are in fact first world problems. Having said that, I have to ask, who is being served when someone minimizes their predicament or their feelings?

Who Is Being Served When We Minimize Problems?

Minimizing problems is a cognitive distortion that may result in neglecting emotional needs and failing to deal with real problems. The distortion can perpetuate self-doubt, hinder personal development, strain relationships, and lead to anxiety or depression. In other words, cognitive distortion is no bueno.

When we over-minimize, we run the risk that buried emotions will erupt at some unwelcome time in the future. Minimizing our problems is a form of negative self talk that suggests we’re not as important as someone else or simply unimportant in general. There’s no question that some problems people face are immeasurably more serious than others but the reality is that anything you’re facing could affect your equilibrium and, ultimately your health. People can acknowledge the issues they’re facing are on different stratospheres and, at the same time, respect that a lot of things can ruin a day, week, month, year, or life. And let’s face it, if you’re feeling particularly low, it’s usually not all or only about that one thing that’s happening.

Curiously, when I started thinking about writing this particular post, I was focused on situations where we downplay whatever it is that’s on our minds. In researching cognitive distortion, I came to understand that the flip-side of this coin is downplaying achievements and trivializing compliments. I know more than a few of us are guilty on those counts as well. Hmmmmm…

Take Up Space, There’s Plenty

So why do so many of us do it? Are we intending to be respectful to someone else whose predicament is more dire? Are we thinking we are being selfless or, at the very least, trying not to be selfish? Are we embarrassed? If so, why? While it’s hard to argue that some predicaments are not more consequential than others, that doesn’t mean what you’re going through is not seriously consequential for you. We act as though challenging times are a single pie and the polite thing to do is limit ourselves to a tiny sliver or forgo a slice altogether in favor of someone who seems hungrier. If there was a pie, one person would not eat the whole thing (unless I’m bingeing on pie but don’t get me started). Pie is meant to be shared. When it comes to problems, there’s space beyond that limited to a pie. There’s plenty of space for all of us.

We are put on this earth to take up space. Literally. What we do with our space is up to us but it remains our space regardless of what anyone else does with theirs. If we choose to use our space to open up to a friend and share what’s going in our lives, we are not taking anything away from anyone else. Our own space is limited so we’re best off using it well. We don’t have to complain about absolutely everything. But it’s worth remembering that sometimes opening up and sharing is the only way to let something or the shame of it go. Doing that can only enhance our space. 

Guidelines

When it comes to sharing your woes, you might want to consider a few guidelines. First, maintaining a sense of balance is key. Sharing what you’re going through and being honest with yourself are good things. At the same time, we probably don’t need to give voice to every little complaint. Balance may look like confiding in someone close to you or seeing a therapist. Second, when trying to strike a balance, it’s important to read the room. If a friend is sobbing about a crisis in their life, consider saving your own sharing for later. But be sure you come back to it. Third, life is hard and challenges play out in different ways for each of us. There’s no shame in having a tough time and there should be no judgment (self or otherwise) when you feel overwhelmed, even if it’s by the “little things.” Fourth, remember that not sharing, in addition to potentially harming you, limits the extent to which your friend can be a friend. Your good friends want to share in your good times and bad times and your best friends will either reserve judgment or laugh along with you as you judge (lovingly) together.

Just Don’t Do It

In Episode 5 of Shrinking, Season 2, Gaby arrives at her office out of breath, greeting her waiting clients. She says “Sorry I’m late. I was with my mom. She was in an accident but she’s okay.” She then proceeds to provide details about the accident and its aftermath. She sits down to begin their session and continues her rant. One of the clients apologizes for interrupting and Gaby realizes what she’s been doing so she focuses and invites them to share what’s going on with them. They start to talk about the big fight they had last night and then say “never mind.” Gaby, ever the straight shooter, calls them out, asking “What? Do you guys feel like shit now because your stuff is so trite.” In response to “yeah, a little bit,” Gaby says “Don’t.” Don’t do that to yourselves. Take up your space.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Songs: I’m Not Complaining by Ella Fitzgerald, Fake Happy by Paramore, The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel, hope ur ok by Olivia Rodrigo, 99 Problems by Jay-Z, Song for a Friend by Jason Mraz, Talkin to Myself by Linkin Park, Talk by Coldplay

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “I was thinking how amazing it was that the world contained so many lives. Out in these streets people were embroiled in a thousand different matters, money problems, love problems, school problems. People were falling in love, getting married, going to drug rehab, learning how to ice-skate, getting bifocals, studying for exams, trying on clothes, getting their hair-cut and getting born. And in some houses people were getting old and sick and were dying, leaving others to grieve. It was happening all the time, unnoticed, and it was the thing that really mattered.” ― Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex

Something to try: Try managing the minimizing with Thought Challenging. Pay attention to your thoughts. Identify and challenge those that automatically minimize. Challenge by questioning the accuracy and validity of minimizing thoughts and try replacing them with more accurate and balanced thoughts.

Coaching Can Help

Do you find yourself stuck in old patterns of letting negative self talk rule? Consider working with a coach to develop new behaviors that can help change the way you see yourself. Contact me here if you’d like to find a time to chat about what coaching can do for you. It’s free!