Just say no was fairly ubiquitous in the 1980s and early 1990s in connection with the war on drugs. Ubiquitous, even catchy, but ultimately not very successful. The power of saying no was resurrected more recently in the context of setting boundaries with the assertion that no is a complete sentence. Many of us are a little more comfortable just saying no these days than we used to be. But what about hearing no? The fear of hearing no holds many of us back from taking risks with potentially big payoffs. Fear of rejection sometimes gets in the way of seeking acceptance or belonging. What if we could reframe the fear of no and accept that rejection leads to resilience?
Some people won’t ask for promotions or raises at work for fear of hearing they’re undeserving or worse. Others avoid asking a romantic prospect out on a date for fear of being turned down. Many people won’t ask to join a group event, assuming they’re not wanted before they even try. There’s no shortage of scenarios any of us can imagine where we ought to be putting ourselves out there in some way and asking a question, the answer to which may well be no. When fear of no dominates, we stick with comfort and don’t open the door to yes. Litigators learn to refrain from asking questions to which they don’t know the answers and this approach works well when questioning a witness in court but it’s not an effective approach to life.
Rejection Hurts
Rejection doesn’t feel good. It’s uncomfortable and can hurt. According to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, even just thinking about instances of social rejection can activate the same part of your brain that responds to aches and pains. In a neuroimaging study published in Science, researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging or fMRI’s to conclude that rejection indeed activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain.
From an evolutionary perspective, it goes even further than hurt. It goes all the way to survival. Humans have always depended on one another to survive. According to Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, the individuals with the highest survival rates “were the ones who were most attuned to behaving in ways that prevented other people from rejecting them.” Being cast out of a family or group was synonymous with death.
We’re Worthy of Thriving
Most of us prefer to thrive in life rather than merely survive. A certain amount of risk taking is required to make that happen, even if the risks we take don’t always pay off. Without risk, we limit our rewards. When we feel like we’re risking it all by reaching out to someone else, we’re often connecting the feelings of belonging and rejection to our self worth. Of course, if a friend was beating themselves up, connecting a rejection experience to their self worth, most of us would quickly assure them they are worthy and the rejector didn’t deserve them. It can be challenging to convey this messaging to ourselves but at least part of the messaging holds true. Each of us is worthy.
Put Rejection in Perspective
A simple no is sometimes just a simple no and not a statement about our likeability or desirability. Then again, sometimes a no really may be a flat out rejection coming from someone who is not interested in getting to know or spend time with us. That may hurt for an instant but it isn’t a statement of overall likeability either. It’s just another person setting boundaries and expressing how they want to spend their time. It may be personal and it may not. Either way, it’s a signal to move on, to grow and to find our people, wherever they might be. While each of us has value, we don’t necessarily offer value to someone else. Not everyone matters equally to us, nor we to them. It’s okay to say no and it has to be okay to receive it.
Facing rejection is part of life. It’s one of those parts that helps us build resilience, the ability to recover quickly from difficulties. When we accept that none of us likes everyone and none of us is liked by everyone, we’re better able to put rejection in perspective. If you have trouble handling not being liked by someone, consider the people who matter most to you and find comfort in the fact that they think you’re more than okay. Derive strength from those whose opinions you value, including and especially yourself.
Open Yourself to Yes
When we don’t ask for what we want because we’re afraid of hearing no, we deprive ourselves of the joys of a possible yes. We also end up living passively, waiting for life to happen to us rather than making it happen for us. If your social circle is limited to people who reach out to you first, you might be missing out on some deep and meaningful connections with others.
Like most fears and anxieties, there is little to fear in “no” and a great deal to understand. It’s unrealistic to think you can avoid feeling fearful throughout your life any more than you can avoid ever feeling rejected. It’s equally unrealistic to think fear and rejection must necessarily seal your fate. If your overtures are rejected, try registering the feeling of discomfort and wishing the outcome had been different. Like any feeling, remember that the discomfort will pass. Knowing that puts you comfortably in the driver’s seat. Like any fear, the fear of no is welcome to be a passenger in your car. It’s up to you to make certain fear is not your driver.
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Hate (I Really Don’t Like You) by the Plain White T’s, In The End by Linkin Park, Let Me Down Slowly by Alec Benjamin, Back to You by Selena Gomez, Find What You’re Looking For and i hate u, i love u by Olivia O’Brien, Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac, Dancing on My Own by Robyn, I Can’t Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt, Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan, Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five, Feel Like Shit by Tate McRae
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say ‘no.’ But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow.” – Stephen Colbert
Something to try: Desensitize yourself to hearing no. Find a low stakes situation where you can ask someone to do something with you even though you’re quite sure they can’t or won’t want to. Make sure it’s something you want to do just in case they say yes! Either way, you’ll win.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to live your best life but feel paralyzed by the fear of rejection, you’re limiting the parameters of your best life before you even get started. Coaching supports you in the journey to find the path that’s right for you and helps you determine and stick to the action steps that can make all the difference. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
I actually care far less about rejection now than I did when I was younger. I can’t even begin to guess at how many dates I missed out on simply because I was terrified about the answer possibly being “no”, though when I look back now, with age and (some) maturity, I realize that the answer would almost certainly have been “yes”. That said, I once did have a girl tell me “no” because she had to wash her hair. Yes, for real. So, maybe my fear of rejection wasn’t entirely misplaced!