Feeling Invisible: How To Make It Your Super Power

When you were younger, did you ever fantasize about having a super power? Many of us were comic book kids. We wanted to go to Riverdale and we wanted superhero secret identities. Fun fact: two of my daughters actually attended a school called Riverdale, which turned out to be nothing like what I’d imagined from Archie comics. But, seriously, who didn’t wish they could fly and have super strength?! People often ask each other what super power they’d choose if they could. Invisibility has always been a popular one. Morphing from sneaking into the kitchen unseen to steal a few extra cookies to hiding while hearing what people are saying about you to total freedom to roam might sound appealing at different points in your life. Everyone wishes they could disappear sometimes. But at some point in life feeling invisible becomes more of a reality than a dream and it doesn’t usually feel as good as we had imagined it would.

Age-related Gender Diminishment

As women age, many of us start feeling sidelined. Maybe it takes the shape of lack of notice at work, on the street, or at events. Recent studies have explored Age-related Gender Diminishment (AGD), so named by psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, bestselling author, and television commentator, Dr. Gail Saltz. AGD is characterized by feelings of invisibility and inconsequentiality, particularly for women after midlife. While men certainly experience age related issues, women seem to feel this one more acutely. Note to boys and men with women in your lives: pay attention to them!

Dr Saltz describes AGD in terms of feeling marginalized, a pervasive sense of being undervalued or overlooked, and experiences of dismissal and lack of representation. These feelings frequently lead to diminished self-worth, increased self consciousness, and loneliness or isolation. Dr. Saltz works with patients experiencing these feelings. There’s validation in the mere naming of the “condition.” Dr. Saltz also guides her patients through several steps to understand the genesis of the feelings and both reclaim and reframe their stories. Steps include identifying greatest joys, aligning those joys with the needs they fulfill, and engaging in activity that connects joy and need. After each step, they reflect on whether they feel more visible, respected, or content with life, with a view to constructing a new personal narrative for this stage of life. Upon reflection, some people may determine they feel content with life and visibility is just not as important as they’d thought.

Antidotes

In addition to the Saltz steps, accepting that you may sometimes feel overlooked is an important early step. Most people do not feel seen by others all the time. But that feeling doesn’t have to gain momentum. In my experience, the antidote to feeling invisible as you age is twofold. First is the social equation. In other words, invest in friends. When you surround yourself with the right people, you feel seen by them so the lack of visibility to others doesn’t matter quite so much. The power of friendships cannot be overstated. Having a few people who see it as their mission to support and validate you, to cheer you up and cheer you on, to be there, hear you, see you, love you, and to provide you with the opportunity to be all that for them is the real super power here. It can render feelings of invisibility invisible or, at least, inconsequential.

Second is the ability to reframe and be an active participant in your life. Going unnoticed gives you power. Use it wisely. Sometimes it’s advantageous or entertaining to be an unfettered observer. Walking around with a sense that you are unseen is a great opportunity to consciously notice everything around you, to be fully present.

A different kind of reframe comes with asserting your relevance on your own. Do not be afraid to join or initiate a conversation. You don’t have to wait for someone to approach you. Create situations that enhance your visibility. Not every outreach or entry will be smooth or feel comfortable and that’s okay. If it feels awkward for you to find your way in, try to remember that it gets easier with practice.

My Visible Mom

I’ve had several conversations about feeling invisible and irrelevant with my mother. She is a wise and beautiful 85-year old woman who always looks great, does interesting things, stays informed and is very much “with it.” Yet she’s let me know she frequently feels unnoticed. My mom is my super hero in many ways, not least of which in the way she most recently dealt with invisibility. A couple of weeks before my daughter’s wedding, she called and let me know she wanted to speak at the wedding. I’ve never known my mom to be a speech maker so I was a little surprised. She explained she did not want to feel invisible at her granddaughter’s wedding and she had something to say. And did she ever. My mom was one of the stars of the weekend. Her speech and delivery were brilliant. So many people approached to let her know. The recognition and validation showed in her smile. She was anything but invisible. And, might I add, she looked gorgeous all weekend.

This experience is a reminder that when we take a proactive role in life, we control more outcome and good things often result. There’s always risk involved. Sometimes we’ll still walk away feeling unseen. But the reward when it works is so worth the risk. And either way, the self satisfaction that results from acknowledging our bravery to ourselves is a gift in itself.

Feelings Pass

Despite all the best practices and intentionality, feelings of invisibility will creep in for most of us sometimes. Even the best of friends are not always with you. Feeling invisible most likely creeps up when your friends aren’t there to “see” you. And sometimes, even in the presence of friends, you’re just not up to putting yourself out there and speaking up. If the result is feeling sad, there does not always have to be a fix or antidote. Sometimes you just have to sit in the sadness. Like all feelings, invisibility and sadness will pass if you let them. Sitting in the feelings doesn’t mean staying there. When you’re ready, join the party!

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Invisible by Taylor Swift, Invisible Touch by GenesisInvisible by Duran Duran, Invisible by Linkin Park, Invisible by Hunter Hayes, Invisible by Anna Clendening, You Don’t Even Know Who I Am by Patty Loveless, Half of Me by Rihanna, Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol, Right Here by Zara Larssen

Thinking and Trying

Somethings to think about: “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“I don’t know why people are so keen to put the details of their private life in public; they forget that invisibility is a superpower.” ― Banksy

“At school Mrs. Dickens liked Paul’s picture of the sailboat better than my picture of the invisible castle.” – Judith Viorst, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Something to try: If you are a woman at midlife or beyond and this topic resonates, I highly recommend reading Calling All Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray (Ann Patchett’s mom!). If you are anybody at all with a woman in your life who you consider “middle aged” or older, ask them questions about their lives, learn what you can from them, see them and hear them every chance you get.

Coaching Can Help

Maybe you’ve been feeling invisible or irrelevant and want it to stop but it won’t. Maybe there are steps you can take to change these feelings but you’re not sure what they are or how they’ll work for you. Don’t give up hope! If you’re a woman at midlife or beyond, this can be the best time of your life and you deserve it. If you want to make changes and feel stuck, consider working with a coach to help you get where you want to go. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.