Do You Believe People Do the Best They Can?

Have you ever considered whether or not you believe people do the best they can? Seems like a simple question but it’s not. Think about it. It just might change the way you see and react to people and it may change the way you speak to yourself.

It’s Not a Free Pass

Believing that people do the best they can is not a way of explaining away bad behavior. It’s not an excuse and it’s not an acceptable statement of complacency. It’s an acknowledgement that our environment and the resources available to us set a context. When you believe that people generally do the best they can within their context, you see them as they are. You accept that their context is different from yours, that what you would do in the same circumstances is irrelevant, and that it may be time to check the expectations you’re placing on others, not to mention yourself. “As they are” may differ greatly from how you think they should or could be.

Understanding the context of behavior begins with an implicit acceptance that we’re all the sum of parts that include our genes, our environment, and our behavioral choices. You may not care to understand someone’s context when they’ve done something horrific and that’s okay. On the one hand, someone else’s issues are not your problem (not your circus, not your monkey). On the other hand, there’s so much we can learn from and about each other if we pay attention to one another’s backstories. Regardless, adopting this perspective is not actually about understanding someone’s context at all. It’s more about knowing that it exists. To be clear, I’m not suggesting anyone’s backstory justifies bad behavior.

Context Matters

I’m certainly not suggesting forgiveness should be forthcoming simply because of someone’s story. If you’ve read my post on forgiveness, you already know I don’t fully subscribe to “forgive and forget” as a wellness strategy. Nor am I suggesting bad acts always have a positive spin. Rather, people act the way they do because of context, which can be complicated. That makes us more interesting as humans than mere reductive judgments like good or bad would suggest.

This “best they can” perspective affects the way we see other people, the judgments we make about them and the empathy we may or may not feel toward them. It might help us feel less resentful when we feel let down. Believing people do the best they can given the resources available to them might make us think twice before offering unsolicited advice. It’s easy to tell an overweight person to stop eating, an alleged couch potato to get some exercise, a person with depression or anxiety to lighten up when those are easy things for you to do. Someone else’s issues may strike you as easily fixable. But, honestly, can you think of anyone who wouldn’t choose an easy fix to issues that torment them if they could? So many paths, though, don’t feel like true choices. Context matters.

Not Liking and Still Believing

Dispensing with judgmental preconceived notions and accepting that people are doing the best they can in any given moment allows us to accept people as they are. We may not like a person very much and we don’t have to. We can still accept that they are heavily influenced by a set of inner resources we may not understand. I don’t necessarily believe the best about all people yet I unequivocally believe that people do the best they can. I do not feel compelled to recognize anything redeeming about a rapist, abuser, or cheater. Still, I accept that they are doing the best they can. I don’t have to like or understand them. They are human. It’s that simple. We are all flawed and we come in all shapes and sizes. For most of us, doing the best we can brings some measure of decency but not always.

I am Doing the Best I Can

Believing that people do the best they can extends to the way we deal with and, hopefully, speak to ourselves. If people do the best they can, that means you do the best you can. The “best I can” may not always feel like enough but it’s the height of my capacity at any given moment and it’s really all I can ever ask of myself. I’m grateful that my capacity is not fixed in perpetuity and that sometimes my best feels great. Sometimes my best is so much better than other times. Of course, sometimes it sucks. Our inner resources, the foundation of our context, change with our emotions (pain, stress, anxiety, fear), our physicality (sickness, ailments, how much sleep we got), our histories (the habits we’ve adopted, the trauma we’ve experienced, the socialization we’ve internalized), and so much more. Believing we are doing the best we can implicitly recognizes our humanity.

I like myself best when I avoid or minimize judgment of others. Who am I to judge anyone anyway? Believing that people generally do the best they can helps me get to that place. None of us always shows up the way we want. We sometimes let ourselves and others down. It never feels good. Next time you feel frustrated with yourself, though, rather than beat yourself up, consider that maybe, just maybe, you’re doing the best that you can.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

The Best You Can by Bill Withers; My Best by Saweetie; Go the Distance from the movie Hercules; Good as Hell by Lizzo; I’m Still Standing by Elton John; I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “A successful competition for me is always going out there and putting 100 percent into whatever I’m doing. It’s not always winning. People, I think, mistake that it’s just winning. Sometimes it could be, but for me, it’s hitting the best sets I can, gaining confidence, and having a good time and having fun.” – Simone Biles

Something to try: Credit to Coach Hailey Magee for today’s suggestion. Sit down with a piece of paper and divide it in half. On one side, write down the voices of your inner gremlins. What exactly are they saying? Are they calling you lazy, selfish, mean? On the second side, consider what inner and external factors affected your actions or decisions. Consider the emotional, physical, historical, and financial obstacles you face. As you review your list of obstacles in contrast with your negative self-talk, summon compassion and kindness for your inner self. If your inner self is struggling, you can ease their burden by quieting the self-judgment and replacing those negative messages with an honest truth: That you’re doing the best you can with the resources at your disposal.

Coaching Can Help

If you’re looking to adopt a new perspective or apply a perspective more broadly so that you can be more accepting of others as well as yourself, coaching can help. Let’s hop on a free 15-minute Zoom call to see if coaching feels like a good next step for you. You can book a session here.