Reaching Out When You’re Not Sure What to Say

Have you ever grappled with whether or not you should reach out to someone when you’ve heard they’re going through a hard time? Maybe they were grieving the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship, maybe they or someone close to them was ill and maybe you just didn’t know what to say. You weren’t sure if you should “intrude.” Last week, I wrote about regret. Bestselling author Daniel Pink’s research on regret categorized regrets into 4 core groups: foundation, boldness, moral, and connection. The fourth category, connection, relates to reaching out to others. Not reaching out leads to regret for many people. 

No One Wants to Say the Wrong Thing

We don’t all hear things the same way or the way they were intended and we don’t always know exactly what to say so some reticence to reach out makes sense. Saying the wrong thing to someone who’s hurting might make them hurt more. Who wants to be responsible for that?!  Regret typically seeps in when we feel like we should have reached out, though. The regret tells us something about our values and suggests that, more often than not, we might feel better and better connected by reaching out. Reaching out is as much about “us” as “them.”

Years ago, when I got divorced, I received all kinds of messages. One good friend immediately said, “Listen, I don’t know what happened but I want to be very clear, I’m on your side.” I cherish that reaction to this day. Several well meaning people let me know they never liked him anyway. As much as I appreciated the support, those comments just made me feel like an idiot for having made a bad choice in the biggest decision of my life, a choice everyone else seemed to know was bad before I did. And then there were the people who immediately asked what happened. Again, I appreciated the outreach (ish) but felt it wasn’t entirely for my benefit. It can be hard to know what to say sometimes. Track record and intentions matter. But still…

It can be hard to know what to say or do when someone is suffering. Some people in that situation will opt to sit quietly and not intrude. That’s a valid choice. To choose the alternative is like moving to the next level of a video game. Choices must be made, forks appear in the road. Considerations include actions to be taken, wording to be selected.

What to Say Reflected in What You Do

If you do choose to reach out, it is worth remembering that non verbal reaching out matters most to many people. Just letting someone know you’re there for them and you care and actually being there for them with a hug, a shoulder, or joke can be everything. It can be hard to figure out what we need when things go south, so as much as “I’m happy to help with anything you need” is a kind opening (one most of us, myself included, have used), it ultimately doesn’t mean too much without follow up.

When my twin daughters were born prematurely, a good friend showed up at my home several times with home-cooked meals. After I got divorced, one of my closest friends who lives in a different city said, “I’m on my way,” hopped on a plane and came to hug me. I was sick last spring and a special someone showed up and took me to the hospital. When I was discharged from the hospital, another wonderful person sent me soup for days. I’m not good at asking for help at the best of times so when the times are less than the best, there’s no chance I can tell you what I need. I don’t and won’t have a clue and probably wouldn’t ask even if I did. I know I’m not alone in this. Acts of kindness stay with us forever.

But… What to Say?

I started writing about this topic at the request of a few different people, each going through a challenging time, who were baffled by some of the things people said to them to “show support” or “be helpful.” There’s no one right thing to say but it’s actually pretty easy to get it wrong. It’s safe to say that if you want to get the wording right, reach out with empathy. There’s a difference between empathy, sympathy, and pity. You have a better shot at saying the “right” thing, and having it land as you intend, when empathy is your guide. 

While there is no “right” way to express support to someone in crisis, there are some helpful suggestions on the Option B website.

Messaging to Avoid When Offering Support

There are definitely some “less right” ways to show support. Holley Humphrey, a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication, offers a great cheat sheet for coaches to apply when listening, really listening, to clients. Coaches are not meant to grab the spotlight from clients. Below is a list of 10 common ways to take the spotlight away from a speaker. Avoiding these approaches is equally pertinent to a situation where you want to reach out with a message of support to someone you care about:

• Advising: “I think you should…” or “How come you didn’t?” or “If I were you, I’d” or “There’s a wonderful book…”
• Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just…” or “You’re just too unrealistic”
• Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault, you did the best you could” or “It could have been a lot worse”
• One-upping: “That’s nothing; listen to this!”
• Storytelling: “That reminds me of the time…” or “I know just how you feel. Yesterday, I was…”
• Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
• Interrogating: “When did this begin?” or even “why didn’t you call?”
• Commiserating: “Oh you poor thing.”
• Explaining: “I would have called but…”
• Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

Over the last few years, the notion of sending thoughts and prayers came under attack. In the face of great global tragedies, thoughts and prayers seemed hollow. But I disagree. It can be comforting to know you’re in someone’s thoughts and prayers. It’s meaningful to know someone has made space for you.

When my dad died and a year later when my dog died, two people very close to me reached out and said “I’m here for you but I’m so bad at this.” I remember thinking at the time that the outreach and honesty were what made them so good at this. It helped to know they were there. Feeling “not alone” in the “aloneness” of grief is what helped most of all.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Talk by Coldplay; I’ll be There by the Jackson 5; Had to Phone Ya by the Beach Boys; Talk to Me by Stevie Nicks; One Call Away by Charlie Puth; I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “In the face of adversity, hope often comes in the form of a friend who reaches out to us.” – Christopher Reeve

Something to try: Once a day, ask someone, “How are you?” in a way that says you mean it. If they give you a stock answer (“Fine”), repeat the question: “No, really. How are you?” Many experts suggest this is a first step in building conscious empathy. Empathy is a skill that can be developed. According to Martha Beck, “you’ll soon realize that if your purpose is solely to understand, rather than to advise or protect, you can work a kind of magic: In the warmth of genuine caring, people open up like flowers. You’ll be amazed by the stories you’ll hear when you use this simple strategy with your children, your next-door neighbor, your aunt Flossie. You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew.”

Coaching Can Help

If you want to work on reaching out with empathy and connecting but you’re feeling confused, coaching can help. I’d be happy to chat with you about the possibility on a free 15-minute Zoom discovery call. Schedule your appointment here.