In the Battle Between Nice vs Good, Choose Kind

Several years ago, I was walking with a friend and described someone we had both recently met as “so nice.” My friend literally groaned. She might have even simulated a gag. “I hate nice,” she said, “I hope no one ever describes me as nice.” Maybe it’s the Canadian in me but I was baffled. I thought of myself as nice, think of myself as nice, want to be nice, and want to be thought of as nice. What’s the problem with nice? My friend went on to explain that she thought of nice as bland and banal. Over time, I’ve heard others describe nice as boundary-less and people pleasing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that nice is fine but fine is never all that we want or strive to be. “Nice” is not the height of compliments when it’s a person’s most defining feature. A plethora of social media posts suggests that it is better to be good than nice. To be good ultimately seems more substantive than nice but is it? What does “good” even mean? Maybe nice vs. good is the wrong comparison. All these positive sounding words are subjective and confusing. Nice and good are “lovely” but, ultimately, I choose kind.

Niceness and Goodness

Niceness is frequently equated with politeness and agreeability. These are not bad qualities, just maybe not the qualities by which you want to be defined. It’s “good” to be polite, isn’t it? To some people, “nice” is a short term fix when interacting with others. Interactions are more pleasant and smooth when the participants are agreeable. Nice, then, is nice but, when you think about it, it’s easy to see why some would suggest it lacks depth and meaning.

Proponents of good over nice argue that trying to be a good person is more important for healthy relationships than being a nice person. Good goes beyond mere surface-level pleasantries, though there’s nothing to prevent you from including pleasantries in your goodness. It implies a deeper commitment to meaningful interaction. Being good centers on authenticity, prioritizes the long term, fosters respect, and encourages growth. Good seems good.

Good Over Nice

When the choice of good over nice made its way into my social media feed, I bought into it quickly. In the current age of boundary setting and self care, moving away from boundary-less people pleasing sounded like a move in the right direction. But then I started thinking about what it means to be good. Quick research indicates goodness has long been associated with obedience. That doesn’t sound so great either. Admittedly, the framing seems outdated. A good child may be designated as such due to obedience but the term means something more than just following the rules as we grow up. Ultimately, though, I’m no longer convinced that good says all that I want to be either.

Kindness is closer to my values. It can be defined in many ways but no matter how you slice it, it’s at the core of goodness. Treating people with kindness suggests treating them with respect, courtesy, and compassion, treating them the way we all wish to be treated. Kind seems to go hand in hand with being friendly and generous in spirit toward others. We could use a lot more kindness in the world right now. We’d be in a better state globally if we saw, heard, accepted, and respected one another.

In an early post, I wrote about extending kindness to yourself. I don’t know if I realized at that time how much we need a reminder of the proper way to treat others. It’s pretty clear that we do. At the end of the day, the words don’t matter as much as the behavior and attitude. We’d all be a lot better off if people were generally just better to each other.

Do you choose kind? How would you like to hear yourself described by others?

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Somebody Good by Stacey Ryan, Good People by Jack Johnson, Good as Hell by Lizzo, Kind and Generous by Natalie Merchant, Try a Little Kindness by Glen Campbell, Humble and Kind by Tim McGraw, Treat People With Kindness by Harry Styles, Be Kind by Marshmello and Halsey, A Random Act of Senseless Kindness by South Sixty Five, If Everyone Cared by Nickelback, Be Nice by Black Eyes Peas (feat. Snoop Dogg), Wouldn’t it be Nice by The Beach Boys (R.I.P. Brian Wilson)

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: Children’s books are a great source for quotes about niceness, goodness, and kindness. Consider these two:

“You’re extra nice. With everyone. You go out of your way to make everyone feel special.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?”
“How is anyone supposed to know when they are special? How was I supposed to know you weren’t just being nice?”
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

“Courage. Kindness. Friendship. Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.”
― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

Something to try: How about a random act of kindness today? Choose one person that you know or don’t and use the opportunity to brighten their day with a kind word, a kind gesture, or anything that occurs to you.

Join Our Tribe

I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.

Coaching Can Help

Kindness to others starts with kindness to yourself. That can be tricky if you’re stuck in a cycle of negative self talk or worry that kindness to yourself seems selfish. Coaching can help you develop a self compassionate response pattern if your default is to treat yourself unkindly. Contact me here and let’s talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.