Are you old enough to remember stretching the telephone cord to wherever you were planning to park yourself for a good old fashioned telephone conversation? Do you remember when the phone would ring in your home and one or more of you would run to answer it and announce who was calling for whom? The phone served a single purpose in those days. It was a vehicle for conversation, the spoken word. Maybe a secondary purpose was the modicum of aerobic exercise you’d get from running for the phone. Alas, our phones are in our pockets or right next to us at all times now so we don’t even get the benefit of those few extra steps. Meanwhile, voice to voice calling seems to be the last reason for using a phone these days. We text, follow social media, check news, trade stocks, play games, listen to music, podcasts, and audiobooks but talk on the phone? Not so much.
We Don’t Talk Anymore
I grew up comfortably chattering away on the phone. Still, sometimes find myself now requiring a self administered pep talk before placing a call. Millennials and Gen Zers have grown up with devices that keep them connected and distanced at the same time. They seem to think texting is talking. It makes sense that they don’t engage in telephone conversations like we used to. But neither do we! It’s so much easier and quicker to text or even email than engage in an actual conversation.
Phone calls demand attention and take time. Texts do neither. Some of us have convinced ourselves we’re too busy for real phone talk. Maybe writing our thoughts gives us time to gather them and we’re not sure we’ll respond smartly in the moment. Phone anxiety is a real thing. And some people are still suffering the long term effects of pandemic isolation. Connection can be uncomfortable and the distance offered by text might be preferred.
Regardless of how we got here, it’s safe to say we’re not in a great place. Humans are hard wired for connection and text does not satisfy the need. Even more basic than that, placing a call and speaking is a fundamental skill. Our skills have gotten rusty, to say the least. We’ve gotten to a point where we can order food, schedule a doctor’s appointment or repair job, or make a dinner reservation without ever speaking to another human. As nice as that sometimes sounds (and in those circumstances, it is nice), it also signals a bigger issue. Scheduling and ordering are low stakes easy ways to learn or re-learn how to use the phone. Using the phone as a speaking device is important because sometimes you have questions that a bot can’t answer and that aren’t covered in the FAQ’s. More importantly, though, hearing someone else’s voice is a reminder that you’re not alone.
Phone Calls for Relationships, Empathy & Connection
When it comes to relationships, empathy, and connection, phone beats text and email, hands down (or, hands-free, as the case may be). Sure, text is quick and convenient and certainly makes some communication much easier. But meaningful communication calls for more. If your aim is to keep relationships strong and healthy or to develop new relationships, texting is not enough. More than 90% of communication is nonverbal. Text and email offer only a scant 10% of the picture. Over the phone, we have voice. Nuance and emotions that come through voice talk are absent from text. Voice talk is also the better forum for resolving disagreements or misunderstandings without volleying and festering.
Particular relevant in today’s world is a recent study that concluded people who listened to someone express a political viewpoint that they disagreed with were less likely to dehumanize that person than people who simply read the transcript of their argument. This suggests that talking to people from different political parties, rather than engaging over text or social media, might help bridge divides.
Speaking is Good for Us
Speaking, really speaking, is good for us. When we speak to our loved ones, we release chemicals including serotonin, dopamine , endorphins relieving stress and anxiety, and oxytocin (our bonding hormone). Connecting with others is mood-boosting.
Even brief conversations can improve our mental health. As an antidote to concerns about lacking the time for a proper phone call, author, motivational speaker, and TED talker, Simon Sinek, proposes the 8-minute catch-up. The idea is to dedicate time for short, focused periods of connection with loved ones. Per Simon’s Optimism Company, “By mutually agreeing to an eight-minute time limit beforehand, both parties can engage in a meaningful exchange without overstaying their welcome. This ensures that the time spent together is both beneficial and respected.” Regular, time-limited phone calls give friends a chance to stay current on one another’s lives. The 8-minute phone call even made it into the New York Times Happiness Challenge in 2023. You don’t always realize how much you miss someone until you hear their voice and it’s worth noting how much better you feel once you do.
Pick Up the Phone!
On a personal note, I’m grateful to have people in my life who don’t like to text or who do but understand the importance of real talk. I’ll confess that they’re a few steps ahead of me. I may not initiate many phone calls but I make sure to answer those I receive whenever I’m able to do so and I’m always happy to schedule a call. A few minutes with a friend is always worthwhile and scheduling helps me manage my anxiety. Hearing the voice of someone I care about is like taking a super supplement and I’m all for that. If you are too and a friend calls, just be sure to pick up the phone!
Musial Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Telephone Line By Electric Light Orchestra, 867-5309/Jenny by Tommy Tutone, Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, Rikki Don’t Lose That Number by Steely Dan, Hello By Adele, Hello by Lionel Richie, Operator (That’s Not the Way it Feels) by Jim Croce, Love on the Telephone By Foreigner, Telephone By Lady Gaga, Call Me by Blondie, I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder, Payphone by Maroon 5, One Call Away by Charlie Puth
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “He hadn’t suffered the eternity of the ring about to be picked up, didn’t know the heart rush of hearing that incomparable voice suddenly linked with his own, the sense it gave of being too close to even see her, of being actually inside her ear.” ― Jeffrey Eugenides, The Virgin Suicides
Something to try: Text a friend this week and propose scheduling an 8 minute check-in call. Feel free to laugh together at the awkwardness of proposing it. Then pay attention to the realness of the talk when you’re doing it.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, tune in to be part of this community of wise women.
Coaching Can Help
If the thought of making or answering a phone call makes you break out in a sweat, you don’t have to stay that way. And you don’t have to unstick yourself. Working with a coach can set you on a path to connecting more comfortably and meaningfully and, ultimately, feeling so much better than fine. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
I really like talking on the phone with friends. For me messaging etc. requires much more energy maybe because I’m dyslexic.. (it’s taking me ages to write this). Often humorous sarcasm in the written word can be taken out of context and the sentiment is lost. I really love a chat with good friends who live both far and near that can last for 8 minutes or much, much longer.
I really like talking on the phone with YOU!