Have you ever found yourself describing someone, maybe yourself, solely in terms of emotions? She’s a happy person, he’s an angry guy, they’re an anxious one, or I’m a sad and sorry thing? Any person may feel all those things but “be” them? Not so much. None of us is our emotions, even the emotions we express most naturally. We feel all sorts of emotions. They are parts, we are sums. And people often “seem” quite different from the way they actually “feel.” Haven’t you seen the film Inside Out (not to mention Inside Out 2)?! Still, it can feel like we’re defined by a default emotion. That’s where we live most comfortably and return to most often.
Dominant Emotions
Dr. Alice Boyes, Ph.D., author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit, says we are predisposed to feel some emotions more strongly and easily than others and most of us have a dominant emotion. That dominant emotion is the one we jump to when situations are difficult, even if other emotions seem more logical. Mark Manson offers an interesting reframe. He suggests, one way to think about these emotions is in terms of talent. We all have different talent levels for fear, sadness, anger, shame, happiness, and love. Just as most people are naturally better at some sports than others, some people are naturally good at managing some emotions and terrible at dealing with others. You may be great at managing anger or fostering happiness but terrible at dealing with shame.
While having a default is convenient, resorting to it at the exclusion of other emotions can lead to burn out and exhaustion. An overused muscle can hurt, feel tired, and be prone to injury. Similarly, an overused emotion can be painful and draining. Besides, every emotion has a role to play. They are all beneficial and we’re better off when we give them each the chance to do their thing.
Non-Dominant Emotions
Putting your non-dominant emotions to work has benefits. You may enjoy a sense of relief, feel more creative, and take better care of yourself. Learning to experience the emotions that make you uncomfortable, letting the whole palette of emotions work for you when life happens, allows you to process life in a far more effective and productive way than reliance on a default emotion. Studies show people who experience a whole range of emotions have better physical and mental health. Every emotion has a purpose and only by feeling each as it comes can we maximize the benefits.
The Flip-Side of Default
When things go wrong, we tend to resort to the emotion we’ve mastered. Having a default emotion has a flip-side. In addition to leaning predominantly on one emotion, we may rarely access a different one. For a very long time, I wasn’t able to feel anger on my own behalf. I had no trouble summoning outrage on behalf of others, but when things went awry for me, I rarely, if ever, felt angry. When things were difficult, I turned inward. I tended to assume all that went wrong was ultimately my fault because I somehow failed to keep things together and on track. “It must be my fault” is suggestive of anxiety as the default emotion. I can concede now that not every challenge in my life was “my fault.” Sometimes there was no one to blame and sometimes blame actually lay at the feet of someone else. The logical, appropriate reaction in those instances was anger but that was always a tough one for me to access. The problem with avoiding the logical emotion in favor of the default, for many of us, is the spiral of sadness that ensues.
Like many people, I believed anger wouldn’t serve me and would likely make me feel worse. Turns out that belief was just wrong. Every emotion serves us as long as we feel what we feel, process what we feel and stop judging ourselves. We tend to think in terms of positive and negative emotions but there’s no good and bad when it comes to the messages our brains send to our systems. If you allow yourself to feel your anger or sadness, they will pass and your brain will learn from them. If you don’t, they fester beneath the surface, frustrated because they’ve been sidelined, likely plotting their revenge against you.
Feeling Bad Can Help You Feel Good
Midlife brought me the opportunity and attitude to dig deeper, know myself better and grow. Acknowledging and processing anger has been part of a process that’s worked well for me. As Boyes predicted, now that I don’t blame myself every time I’m mistreated, I feel anger but less anxiety. As a result, I’ve learned to like myself better and enjoy my life more. Giving each of my emotions time and space has helped me break reactive patterns and has resulted in heightened positive emotions. Who knew that allowing yourself to feel the bad could enhance the good?
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Gives You Hell By The All-American Rejects, Misery Business by Paramore, Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift, Mad World by Gary Jules, The Scientist by Coldplay, Happy by Phrarell, Shiny Happy People by R.E.M., I Got a Feeling by Black Eyed Peas, Can’t Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake from the Trolls soundtrack
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “Experiencing an emotion is kind of like going through high school: when you’re in it, nothing feels more important. But when it’s over, you’re left wondering what the fuck that was all about.” – Mark Manson
Something to try: Dr. Boyes suggests the following technique: Say a non-dominant emotion word, like sadness (if that’s one of yours) a few times and see where you feel it in your body. Maybe you feel it in your eyes, as if tears are pooling, or in your throat where a lump is forming. Let yourself just sit with your non-dominant emotion(s) for a few seconds or a few minutes. Let it/them exist without pushing or pulling, and without analyzing or judging. The feelings will pass on their own. The process gives them a chance to surface and you a chance to ease into the surfacing. The more you allow yourself to feel those feelings, the more you get a “break” from your dominant emotion.
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria, Marguerite, and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The four of us have joined together to bring you Four Wise Women, a podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We use this space to share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journey through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or simply the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, we hope you’ll tune in to be part of this community of wise women. We add new episodes on Thursdays.
Coaching Can Help
Identifying you default and non-dominant emotions is a self awareness exercise that can lead to strength and happierness. If the notion of feeling the range of emotions seems overwhelming for you, consider working with a coach to develop a mindfulness practice and facilitate self awareness. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help you develop healthy habits that keep you feeling your best. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
I tend to think that every emotion has its time and place, and those emotions can and do often overlap. And for me, what’s strange is that sometimes an experience can result in me experiencing one emotion initially, and then if the experience repeats (or is long-lasting), a different emotion another time.
What can I say, I’m weird………..
Not weird at all, just emotionally healthy!