When I was younger, my mom told me that if I was ever in an uncomfortable situation and didn’t want to do something, I should say my mother wouldn’t let me. I had permission to blame her so I could save face and stay safe. I appreciated this gift enormously and took it seriously. Fast forward many years, I offered the same gift to my own children. Imagine my surprise when I approached my daughter’s music teacher at the end of a school concert to tell him how much I enjoyed it only to hear, “I’m so sorry you won’t let her continue with band next year.” I probably smiled and blamed over-scheduling but WTF?!?! She told me later she hated band. Her exact words: “You always say ‘Permission Granted.’ You said I could blame you to get out of things I don’t want to do.” Really?! Music?!
As children, we request permission from adults whenever we want to do something. Permission granted to blame the adults from whom we seek permission regularly is a rarity. Most of us spend copious amounts of energy trying to avoid making mistakes, failing, being at fault and taking the blame. Energy would be better spent learning to accept that these are part of being human. That said, as long as we ultimately internalize accountability as we get older, permission to blame in our formative years can be a positive. It promotes safety. That’s a good thing. If unchecked, it could be an ingredient for an adulthood full of finger-pointing and avoiding accountability. That’s far less good. So if you give your children permission to blame you, I highly recommend setting clear parameters like my own parents probably did and I likely did not.
Permission Gatekeepers
When we transition from childhood to adulthood, we become our own permission gatekeepers. In those early years of young adulting, most of us are pretty comfortable granting ourselves permission to do all sorts of things. The gates are wide open. Once adulting takes on a layer of responsibility for others, though, there’s often a shift. We seem more comfortable telling ourselves no rather than yes. Permission not granted.
By the time we hit midlife, giving ourselves permission to do anything other than meeting our obligations isn’t very high on the priorities list, if it even makes the list at all. After spending decades tending to everything that needed tending, you’d think permission to think and act outside the box of obligation would be a right or reward. That’s generally not the case. It seems to me that women at midlife tend to thrive largely because the other women with whom they surround themselves give them the permissions they withhold from themselves.
Permission Granted
So much has been written about the power of friendships and having a social safety net, particularly as we get older. It all certainly applies when it comes to permission to take care of ourselves, have fun, and live life. Not too long ago, on a Zoom call with three friends, one member of this fabulous posse gently stopped the conversation to grant the rest of us permission to do anything we wanted or needed to do. Ever. She recognized that we all found it challenging to grant ourselves permission to get out there and put ourselves first so she did it for us. And we did it for her. Women friends are the best!
Still, it’s important that we learn to grant permission to ourselves. Implicit in “permission granted” is a recognition of worth. Blanket permission from friends, like permission to blame your parents, is a great gift from people who care. But it’s no substitute for recognizing and celebrating your own worth. We are worthy of the lives we wish to lead and the fun we want to have. The life I want to live isn’t something I require permission to pursue but if something is holding me back then it’s up to me to find the permission within. I shouldn’t have to dig too deep. I’m worth it. So are you. In the event you haven’t yet accessed that which is within you and you need to hear it, Permission Granted!
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Blame It On The Rain by Milli Vanilli, Blame It On The Boogie by The Jackson 5, Blame It On The Bossa Nova by Edyie Gormé, Don’t Blame Me by Taylor Swift, Blame It On Me by Bonnie Raitt, Blame It On The Stars by Andy Grammer
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” – Joan Rivers
Something to try: Permission granted to do one thing for yourself everyday. Write yourself a permission slip to legitimize it. As Brené Brown says in the book Daring to Lead, “Permission slips aren’t promissory notes, they are for stating and writing down intentions only, so there are no repercussions if you fail to deliver; however, they are useful for increasing accountability and the potential for support, and also for understanding where everyone in the room is coming from.”
Coaching Can Help
If you find that you’re regularly saying no when you want to start saying yes, you might benefit from working with a coach. I’m happy to hop on a 15-minute call with you over Zoom to explain coaching and see if we’re a good fit to work together. This discovery call is free. Reserve your appointment here.
Okay, this is so weird: Whenever I didn’t want to do something, I used to blame your mother, too!
(I KID! I KID!)
Permission to do–or not do–something that I have struggled with over the years. As I have gotten older, though, I have tried to “lighten up” somewhat about that, and not always successfully. That said, I now have a closet full of Montreal Canadiens jerseys, so I must be listening to myself, I guess?