When I was a kid and my dad wanted to lay down the law, he’d present the non-negotiable, allowing for “no ifs, ands, or buts about it.” It was understood that no objections, excuses or debates were welcome. Though my dad was not a scary guy at all, it never occurred to me to challenge him on any of those word choices. Of course it didn’t. Once “no ifs, ands, or buts” was invoked, the message was clear. I thought about this recently when I spent time with a friend who demonstrated the colossal shift in mindset and dynamic that happens when we use these words intentionally. She is proficient at using “and” and avoiding use of the word “but” as much as possible. It makes a difference, a significant one. The word “and” can be powerful. Now that I understand the power of “and,” I have a feeling my dad would have appreciated pushback on the use of “ands” in connection with non negotiables (he loved both words and a good debate) and I lament the missed opportunity.
The Words Aren’t Interchangeable
In the world of “ifs, ands, or buts,” the “ifs” contemplate a future hypothetical that hasn’t happened and may never happen. There’s no place for a hypothetical in a non negotiable so “ifs” are understandably off the table. The positioning of “ands” and “buts” is a little less clear and the words are frequently used interchangeably. The thing is, they mean different things and convey very different vibes. “But” is a conjunction that expresses a contrast or qualifies a statement of fact or feeling. When we use “but,” we naturally focus on whatever followed the “but” and tend to ignore the first part of the statement or experience. By contrast, “and” is an expander that acknowledges what precedes it. By using “and,” your non negotiable may cover even more than you planned.
“And” recognizes complexity and the fact that two or more truths can exist at the same time, even if they seem contradictory. We and the lives we live are complex. Replacing “but” with “and” acknowledges that and sets us up to face the complexity head on, from a position of strength. Using “and” also happens to be a core technique of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, making space for you to accept yourself as you are and want to change. Neither negates the other. Both can be true statements. That the’s dialectic, the paradox of which is that only when I accept myself as I am, can I change.
Different Meaning and Energy
The difference between “ands” and “buts” extends past their definitions. The feeling generated by the use of “and” is one of open-mindedness, collaboration, and validation. The feeling generated by “but” is one of limitation, even fear. Being in the presence of an And-vocate is a special experience. The environment is at once filled with so much more positive energy than being around a But-inski. Positive energy can do wonders for communication and connection. Feedback lands better and more constructively in an “and” environment. Using “and” instead of “but” can reduce defensiveness, deepen connection, and improve communication in everyday conversations. It can change how heard, understood, and connected you feel.
Consider the impact of the following language swaps:
- “I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I was having a really hard day.” vs “I’m so sorry I hurt you, and I’ll be more mindful of the words I choose next time.”
- “You did a great job on that project last week, but I see some areas that need adjustments.” vs “You did a great job last week, and I see some areas that need some adjustments.”
Mindful Language Choices Can Promote Growth
Potentially more important than the impact “and” and “but” may have on interactions and relationships is the impact the word choice may have on your own mindset and the way you speak to yourself. “But” can be a growth blocker. It can keep you stuck, limited, and frustrated. “And” can do the opposite, while recognizing that growth and change of any type can be hard. There’s a sense of encouragement implicit in “and” just as there is judgment implicit in “but.”
Never underestimate the power, both positive and negative, of self talk. Consider the way the following swaps might affect your outlook:
- “I made a mistake, but I always mess things up.” vs “I made a mistake, and I can learn from this to improve.”
- “I didn’t get the job I wanted, but maybe I’m not good enough.” vs “I didn’t get the job I wanted, and I’ll keep trying for other opportunities.”
- “I’m not where I want to be yet, but maybe it’s too late for me.” vs “I’m not where I want to be yet, and I’m making progress every day.”
- “I am struggling with this task, but I should be able to do it on my own.” vs “I am struggling with this task, and I can ask for help or find resources.”
- “I’m not feeling great about myself right now, but maybe I’m just not good enough.” vs “I’m not feeling great about myself right now, and I know that my feelings don’t define my worth.”
Small Shift for Big Impact
In an “and” world, the possibilities abound, unfettered by the resistance of “but.” That’s the world I want to live in. Time spent with a friend is always well spent and time spent with an “and”-aligned friend nourishes the soul and gets us thinking in unexpected, mindfully aware ways. None of us really wants to get in our own way and getting off our buts to join the And-Over-But-Club is an easy hack with a potentially big ROI. It’s all about potential and possibility. I endeavor to be an And-thusiast going forward. Who’s with me?
Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post
Young AND Beautiful by Lana Del Ray, Beauty AND a Beat by Justin Bieber, Shut Up AND Dance by Walk The Moon, Me AND Your Mama by Childish Gambino, Father AND Son by Yusuf/Cat Stevens, Me AND Julio Down by The Schoolyard by Paul Simon, Shut Up AND Drive by Rihanna, Kiss AND Make Up by Dua Lipa, Big AND Chunky by Will.I.Am, Forever You AND Me by the Teskey Brothers, The Joker ANDThe Queen by Ed Sheeran featuring Taylor Swift
Thinking and Trying
Something to think about: “The best word shakers were the ones who understood the true power of words. They were the ones who could climb the highest.” – Markus Zusak
Something to try: Swap “and” for “but” in your conversations this week. It can change the way you think about yourself and how you communicate with others. It will open the doors to more effective and non-defensive conversation!
Join Our Tribe
I always feel smarter and stronger when I listen to and connect with wise people. My friends and fellow coaches Maria and Lorin are among the wisest people I know. The three of us joined together to bring you the Unpacking Midlife With The Wise Women podcast. You can listen on Spotify or Apple podcasts. We share our thoughts, concerns, and joys relating to our journeys through midlife. Whether you’re seeking guidance, validation, or the comfort of knowing you’re not alone, this community welcomes you.
Coaching Can Help
If you want to strengthen you communication and social skills BUT you’re having trouble getting off your BUT, consider working with a coach. Together, we can help you feel more confident in your conversations. Contact me here to talk about how coaching can help. The first session is 15 minutes over Zoom and it’s free.
