Feeling Small and Shrimpy in a World of Sharks

Two of my daughters change their voices when they feel small. The littler voices they adopt match the littleness they feel in the moment, a littleness that sometimes keeps them quiet during conversations and sometimes makes them feel as though they are invisible or want to be. They describe themselves in these moments as shrimping or feeling shrimpy. The concept and terminology caught on. Shrimpiness is part of our family language and lore.

When we’re feeling small, it seems like shrimping will cloak us in safety. Maybe it brings us back to a time when we were younger and smaller and, for the fortunate among us, someone was looking out for us. Feeling safe seems like the antidote to feeling shrimpy. Safety is another one of those words that has taken on a whole new meaning in recent years, one worth exploring in a separate post. Today let’s think about shrimps swimming in a world of sharks.

Feeling Small Starts on the Inside

Sometimes the world is too big and loud and you get a little lost. Other times, you’re with people who seem too big and loud and you feel as though you’re hiding in plain sight. Either way, it’s an uncomfortable state of being. Feeling small starts on the inside and reflects on the outside. It’s a feeling we might equate with low self esteem, insecurity, or a sense of inferiority. Overwhelm and intimidation might play role as well. It might be contextual, a feeling triggered by certain environments or people.

Most of us don’t consider ourselves to be sharks and would be surprised to hear that anyone feels shrimpy in our presence. Some people revel in the knowledge that they intimidate others but I’d like to believe they’re the exception rather than the rule. Shrimping, though, has more to do with self perception in a given moment than perception of others. Feeling small can happen when you’re surrounded by people but not actually interacting with any. As Danielle van de Kemenade, a counsellor in the Netherlands, suggests “feeling small may also automatically invite other experiences into your present – the experience of Wrong-ness, the experience of Not good enough, the experience of being Faulty, the experience of being Inadequate.” No matter how you look at it, feeling small isn’t feeling good.

Mindful Awareness Can Combat Shrimpiness

Since smallness is generated by an internal mechanism, we should probably look internally to get through those tough moments. If we recognize the feeling when it comes on, we can take that always useful pause associated with mindful awareness. Once we’re a little more focused in the present, we can remind ourselves that there’s nothing inferior or small about us in comparison to the people around us or the person standing in front of us. As psychotherapist Erin Lo puts it so well, the dialogue in our own minds and any painful memories that get played back are what make us feel small. Learning to confront our inner critic and set the record straight helps stop the cycle of identifying with it.

There are many metrics of worth, many ways to measure success, intelligence, and value. When you think someone outdoes you in relation to one of those metrics, you can be sure you hold your own or rise above the crowd in others. We can all recall something we’ve achieved and something we’ve survived. I’m the best and most successful me on the planet and you’re the best and most successful you.

Clarity and Perspective

One of the perks of getting older is clarity. Another is perspective. I realized quite a long time ago that the people who used to intimidate me are just people. No one is superior to anyone else. And none of us is inferior to anyone else. I’ve also learned that we can choose to be quiet in a conversation when we feel we have nothing to contribute or simply don’t feel like speaking and that’s not shrimping. I saw an Instagram post recently that said, “I am fluent in silence.” That really resonated with me. For what it’s worth, I am fluent (ish) in a few languages and found silence to be among the most challenging to learn. Even, and especially, in silence, it’s important for each of us to remember that our thoughts and opinions have value.

There’s no reason to feel small in the presence of anyone. Admittedly, though, sometimes we do anyway. At those times, it’s up to us to remember we’re enough as we are and we don’t need to swim around pretending we’re all sharks when we’re feeling like shrimps. It might help to note that most of the people around us are not really sharks either.

Musical Playlist While You Ponder This Post

Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel, White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane, Short People by Randy Newman, Video Games by Lana Del Ray, Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men, Little Me by Maddie Zahm

Thinking and Trying

Something to think about: “And though she be but little, she is fierce.” – Shakespeare

Something to try: Strike a superhero pose. Put your feet shoulder width apart. Then place your hands on your hips, put your shoulders back, and look up. Hold your pose for just a few minutes. It may seem silly, but it works. If you’re feeling shrimpy at an event, try excusing yourself to the restroom and striking the pose when you’re alone in the stall. Then return to the event feeling just a little bigger.

Coaching Can Help

If you find yourself regularly shrimping up and want to work on accessing your power and building your confidence, you might benefit from working with a coach. I’m happy to hop on a 15-minute call with you over Zoom to explain coaching and see if we’re a good fit to work together. This discovery call is free. Reserve your appointment here.